How to spend a weekend without Ole Miss football

After five weeks of two years’ worth of living, Ole Miss gets a chance to shut down the engines, rest beside the still waters, and restore its soul for a few days. While the bye week is most beneficial for the players and coaches, let’s not discount the benefits it provides the rest of us who are here to holler and emotionally live and die with every play (a healthier lifestyle I cannot recall).

First, and most importantly, knowing that you’ll wake up on Saturday and experience no anxiety, stress, or dread is a 2014 Auburn #blessed gift (unless Arkansas decides to tease us by threatening to beat Alabama, in which case we have no choice but to welcome the warm embrace of CRIPPLING ANXIETY).

But second, having no Ole Miss game on Saturday means we all have some free time on our hands. That’s right, hours upon hours (roughly six 2:30 CBS games) to do whatever we please, while others toil under the sun of pressure.

To help you wisely pass your time on Saturday, here are some activities in which you could engage.

1) Talk about the ‘Noles.

As if a list could start another way. The thing that makes BuzzFeed mostly trash isn’t their avalanche of lists. It’s that said avalanche is not led by ‘Nole talk every time.

2) Attend a wedding without bitterness towards the couple.

Fall weddings are dumb, but they’re a lot less dumb when the schedule is consulted during wedding planning. As a bonus, you can watch fans of other schools writhe in agony as they are trapped at a wedding and reception where their significant other is the one who knows the bride or groom.

3) Help Hugh Freeze and company solve their linebacker problem.

As Jeff detailed earlier this week, this may not be an equation that can be solved, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.

If you happen to solve this bit of chaos math, please turn your attention to figuring out how Ole Miss can get more linebackers on campus.

4) Tune in to see if a brush with a hurricane can improve Will Muschamp’s offense.

Spoiler: LOL.

(Somewhat related, if Hurricane Matthew is affecting wherever you live or are going this weekend, be smart and safe.)

5) Put on your finest track suit and help Bert beat Bama.

For Ole Miss to have a shot at Atlanta, they have to win out and Alabama needs to lose twice. What better way to get that party started than for Bert and an Allen brother to do some Arkansas shit in Fayetteville.

6) Run errands that you’ve been putting off for five weeks.

If you don’t get them done on Saturday, your next chance to do them will be early December. And if you’re tempted to blow them off this weekend, consider whether your car’s brakes are really that bad. Sure that’s what the mechanic said, but other than being surrounded by car problems for 8-10 hours a day, WHAT DOES HE KNOW. If gambling was easy, everyone would do it.

7) Read the Ole Miss version of The Energy Bus.

Hugh Freeze and the players have read (or are still reading) the international best seller for motivational purposes this season, so why not join them and learn what they’ve discovered about fueling their lives.

8) Monitor Auburn vs. Mississippi State for 3-2 potential.

It’s unlikely we’ll be treated to another such affair, but the elements for perfection are there. Both teams boast one-dimensional offenses and the two defenses are better than the two offenses. All we need to cook this properly is an addiction to punts.

9) Turn your hair into the Pellerin Pony Mane.

May that platinum mane flow freely forever.