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Bret Bielema, a year in photos

BERT is perhaps the SEC’s most photogenic football coach. Let’s all marvel at the glory that are his file photos from this year.

NCAA Football: Alabama at Arkansas
“What do you mean you’re out of XXXL windbreakers?”
Nelson Chenault-USA TODAY Sports

It’s Ole Miss-Arkansas week, so it’s time to check in with the SEC West’s Large Adult Son, Bret Bielema, and his Large Adult Sartorial Preferences.

Football coaches’ attire proclivities are of course spectacular pieces of American couture in their own right, with the New York Giants’ Ben McAdoo representing the zenith of the form. It’s impossible to know whether McAdoo’s flowy windbreaker-cum-mainsail wardrobe was informed by, say, Lane Kiffin’s, or the other way around, but certainly BERT’s open-faced approached to sideline garb nestles snugly within the McAdoo style guide.

When Bielema’s not interested in upper-body coverage, the results can be stunning and wonderful, as we know all too well. Why, just look at this marvel of a man, fully involved in his element, which appears to be some tiki bar or other far south of 26 degrees north latitude.

Still, for reasons completely beyond us, NCAA football coaches are bound by rules of decorum and #branding, which is to say that BERT can’t strut the sidelines as our maker intended, nude and glowing red with delay-of-game induced rage. How then has our hero clothed himself thus far in 2016? So glad you asked.

The mall cop shift manager.

NCAA Football: Southwest Classic-Arkansas vs Texas A&M Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports

Standard industrial strength khakis. Versatile Nike trainers. Loose-fit and breathable pullover. This is BERT at his most trimmed down. Business only, folks, and please don’t block the escalators.

“You look like you need a brand new 2016 Hummer, my friend.”

NCAA Football: SEC Media Day Butch Dill-USA TODAY Sports

SEC Media Days may as well be dubbed SEC Fashion Days, because it’s here that BERT really takes his time to shine. Arkansas-red tie? Check. Matte blue Oxford, triangle collar? Yes, please. More mousse or hair gel or whatever than the height of N’Sync madness? You better believe, son. I love my new Hummer H2 replete with the full sports package, and I can totally afford this 10-year note to match.

“Sorry, I’ve been hiking the Appalachian Trail, don’t really follow politics much.”

NCAA Football: Liberty Bowl-Kansas State vs Arkansas Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Behold this glorious man. Gaze in wonder at those parachutes pants. What’s he hiding in there? It doesn’t matter because that rugged-but-totally-on-purpose facial hair has already ensnared your heart. If there’s one word to describe Bielema’s appearance here, it’s “pyramidal.”

BERT loves to rough it, because freezing your ass off in the woods builds character, dammit. Are you cold, amateur hour? Should’ve brought your giant Gore-Tex balloon pants and matching zip-up. Sure, I’ve got sunglasses, sure, but who needs shades when this slightly-too-small visor is just sitting there?

This is the perfect Bielema picture. Nay, it’s the ONLY Bielema picture, the only one worth talking about anyway. Make a FatHead of this BERT art and plaster it in every room of your house.