At some point in your life, you've heard the high pitched squeal of cartoon rodents talking and singing far too quickly and at a pitch that is unpleasant to the ear. For some reason, enough people have paid to support this as to sustain the Alvin and the Chipmunks franchise since its creation in 1958. Yes, for whatever reason, Americans love them some Alvin and the Chipmunks. Recent reboots have made profits of 300 million, 370 million, and 260 million dollars with a fourth CGI film set to be released this year. Until they stop making money, they'll keep getting made.
As I was pondering how I might offer up an Ole Miss quarterback position preview that isn't the same thing you already know about the most important and highest publicized position in football, I was struck with an idea. The Rebels have three quarterbacks. Stay with me. They are of different heights. Keep going. They have three different names. They're not at all like chipmunks. ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS. There was some higher level math including set theory that got me there, but I won't bore you peasants with a concept you wouldn't understand anyway.
Suffice it to say, these Rebel quarterbacks bear a striking resemblance to Alvin and his furry friends. How, you probably don't ask? Well let me tell you!
But first, come with me to a magical Saturday morning in the 1990s.
"Well, damn," I thought to myself every week. "That stupid show about the chipmunks is on again." If you liked the show, I'm sorry; You had terrible taste in children's television. On the bright side, there are worse character flaws to possess.
So obviously Chad Kelly is Alvin.
Alvin was such a dick to Simon and Theodore. He was a brash asshole who always had to get his way, named the group after himself, and just generally was... pretty much like Chad Kelly has been represented to the public.
Kelly has a history of meltdowns, having been kicked off of Clemson's team after blowing up on an assistant coach during a spring football game. That's not an offense that would result in dismissal for many players, but it was likely more of a camel with a gluttonous amount of straws covering its back situation.
After a prolific season at East Mississippi Community College, Kelly found his second Division I opportunity in Ole Miss, signing scholarship papers in Dacember of 2014. Within one week of signing said papers, Kelly was involved in a bar fight in New York, resulting in a he-said-he-said case that led to hours of community service and a promise to play nice.
If he can keep it together, Kelly has physical ability that is unmatched by Ryan Buchanan or Devante Kincade. Much like Alvin, he's pretty much the key to the group, offering more upside than either of the other
chipmunks quarterbacks can provide.
Ryan Buchanan is Simon because how could he not be?
Simon has the highest IQ of the group; according to the Alvin and the Chipmunks custom Wikia (it's real) he is just a bit more intelligent than one Albert Einstein. While I know nothing of their actual GPAs, etc., I have heard that Ryan Buchanan makes the smartest decisions on the field. Much like Buchanan and the quarterbacks, Simon is the tallest of the chipmunks, and his statuesque frame becomes both a blessing and a hindrance. While Buchanan has a better viewpoint, he's also a bit of a lumberer in the running game (at least in comparison with the other two quarterbacks).
Buchanan signed with Ole Miss out of high school, rated as a four-star quarterback. The Jackson Prep product threw for 75 yards on 22 passes last season in limited action. While his arm wasn't great (3.4 yards per attempt), his frat swoop wouldn't quit (as evidenced by the photo of Ryan just above this).
Buchanan likely represents the most steady, level-headed option. Word out of camp is that he's not likely to turn the ball over but doesn't put the team in the best position to make a play in a big moment. That's pretty much Simon the Chipmunk in a nutshell.
And then there's Devante Kincade and Theodore
So truthfully this is kind of where the analogy falls apart, but bear with me. Theodore is the shortest of the three. Check. He loves making things for his adopted father, Dave (Hugh Freeze). CHECK. Lastly, he has a ballin' nickname (Chubby Seville). Devante's nickname is "Switchblade."
Devante Kincade signed with Ole Miss out of Skyline High School in Dallas, Texas. He was another four-star prospect with good offers. Like Ryan Buchanan, he redshirted in his first season. In his only season of eligibility so far, Kincade threw for 127 yards on 20 attempts in limited and mostly insignificant snaps. Theoretically, Kincade offers some upside running the ball, having done a good bit of it in high school. However, last season he only averaged 3.4 yards per carry despite getting most of his reps against bad teams. Many fans expected him to play some sort of Barry Brunetti like role, but that didn't come to fruition.
Also, just like Theodore, Kincade is the lovable guy that you just kinda count out. Sure, it's being said that he's getting a chance. It doesn't really seem like he is though, as the only two quarterbacks who have ever been mentioned as "in the lead" for the job so far are Buchanan and Kelly.
But what about freshman Jason Pellerin?
Dude. There are only three chipmunks. Sorry.
Plus, he'll probably redshirt.