Hey motherfuckers, it's your friendly neighborhood hater here. Just thought I'd drop by and lay some knowledge on you guys. As you know, there are some pretty basic "official" university rules for Right Field. You are expected to follow these rules because Ross Bjork will fuck you up if you don't. But there's another set of rules: the unwritten rules of Right Field. Ok, they're not really "rules." Let's just say that they're more like guidelines, but not really, but kinda.
For those of you who are new to this whole Right Field thing, listen up: these suggestions can definitely save you from the anguish of getting heckled by one of your own (i.e. me) and may very well save your life. So here they are, in no particular order:
1. When the opponent hits a homer, throw that shit back. It's not a souvenir.
Read this too
Read this too
This season, the NCAA has implemented new baseballs with flat seams to help boost offense. The lowered seams will allow the ball to travel slightly farther. The good news is that we will hit more home runs; the bad news is that our opponents will too. So when the four-hole batter for LSU, Timmy Bleauxsgoats from Grosse Tete, La., dickslaps one over the bullpen, you have about 15 seconds to toss that tainted piece of shit baseball back from whence it came.
2. Don't prematurely beer shower.
Here's how it happens:
Colby Bortles smashes a high fly ball towards the right center gap.
Bro with shirt off #1: "OMG he crushed it."
Bro with shirt off #2: "Yeah he really hit it with his dick."
Fraternity brother with unbuttoned shirt: "Dude, that ball has a chance."
Bro with shirt off #2: "Oh come on ball, come to me."
Fraternity brother with unbuttoned shirt: "GO GO GO GO GO!"
Bro with shirt off #1: "IT'S GONE!" /launches beer
Opposing right fielder catches the ball at the warning track, collective melancholy sigh from the home crowd.
Fraternity brother with unbuttoned shirt: "Son of a bitch, did you really just do that?"
Collective bitching from adjacent students who are now unjustly covered in beer.
Bro with shirt off #1: "I thought it was gone! I swear this never happens."
Bro with shirt off #2: "Everyone saw you launch prematurely dude. You're never getting a date to formal now."
3. Get a good spray on your beer shower.
You really want to put some rotation on it and maximize your coverage. Take that Natty Light left over from last night's 3 a.m. beer pong showdown and really fan it out. Simply choose your arm slot and trajectory, then apply a generous amount of angular velocity and ... voila. Don't forget to bend your knees -- you want all those around you to bask in that bland, flat, mildly-hopped beverage.
4. Join in on the chants and heckles.
Chanting and heckling are really what give our student section its unique personality, while also providing a distinct home field advantage. I encourage everyone to put their reservations aside and really tell that opposing right fielder what you think about him (and his sister, girlfriend, mom, grandmother, aunt, third-grade teacher, etc.). It makes me so proud to watch the replays and hear our student section in the background yelling about donkey dicks and manginas and such. Keep up the good work.
4. Don't complain about getting covered in beer.
At some point in almost every game, there will be a full-on sorority girl stampede to the bottom of the terrace (I've seen a lot of dudes do it too, so I'm not just picking on the ladies here). Afterwards, they're all pissed at you and your friends because you made their curls go flat or ruined their eyelashes or something. They think you're an asshole. But guess what, you're not really an asshole. It's simply cause and effect, ladies. If you really want to blame someone, blame Sikes Orvis. After all, he's the one that dickslapped that dinger.
DISCLAIMER: This guideline can be waived if said perpetrator is a female and it's Friday night and you're all dressed up to go to the Square after the game and you're looking really smoking hot. I'm ok with this because you're hot and I'm in love with you let's go on a date I'll be polite I swear did I mention you're hot...
5. Don't fuck with other people's chairs/tents.
This is a really good way to get your ass whipped. Just because you "forgot" or you were "too busy" to set up your own chairs, it doesn't give you the right to displace others who were a bit more punctual than you.
6. Throw the warm-up ball back on time.
Someone does this every game. Our centerfielder raises his glove in anticipation, only to find that the warm-up ball is absent. A volley of "BALL! BAAALLLLL!! FUCKING BALL!!" rains down in search of it. Sometimes it's because some Pi Phi from Sugarland, Texas forgot it was in her cup holder. Other times it's because your friend Dave put it in his cargo pocket and passed out in the fifth inning like a bitch. Either way, do yourself a favor and pay attention so you don't get yelled at.
Oh and make a good throw to the center fielder. Ladies, just get it to them the best you can (aim for OVER the fence, at least). Guys, try to make it in two hops or less. Otherwise, you're not really a man. But don't overthrow it either. Yeah, we see that you have a cannon, but J.B. Woodman thinks you're an asshole.
7. Ask your girlfriend to bring a pen.
Don't be the guy that catches the warm-up ball and has to beg around for a pen. Ladies, you already have a taser, high heels, mini bottle of moscato, two slices of pizza and an oversized formal t-shirt in your purse, so the least you could do is include a ball point pen as well. Thanks in advance.
8. Beer showers aren't just for baseball.
If you really boil it down, beer showers are simply a celebration; an intense physical outpouring of emotion, if you will. Why reserve beer showers for the comfy confines of Swayze Field? There are many reasons to celebrate on a daily basis, such as:
- One pink line instead of two.
- You match with your best friend's hot sister on Tinder.
- You found a parking spot on campus.
- The results from the Student Health Center came back "negative."
- The charges got dropped.
- You got all green lights on Jackson Ave.
- Ajax, in general.
9. When people chant "One more beer," drink one more beer.
Trust me. You can handle it.
Now you're all set to enjoy the pleasures of Right Field. If you have any questions or suggestions, feel free to hit me up on Twitter (@RFhater). If you disagree with any of this, that's your opinion. But you're wrong and I hate you.