If you’re anything like me, you wake up everyday in a crummy apartment, brew some equally crummy coffee, and immediately think "I wish Andy Kennedy was on Twitter." Why isn't Andy Kennedy on Twitter? Or Instagram? What's the dude's deal? Well, I’ve done an unhealthy amount of pondering on this subject, and as a courtesy to you, RCR faithful, I’ve compiled some theories as to why AK ain’t tweetin’. Let's ruminate and extrapolate together.
- In just three years at Ole Miss, Marshall Henderson exhausted every ounce of social media capital Kennedy could have used. Your boy Hendo is no stranger to controversial Twitter practices, so maybe Ross Bjork put the kibosh on a potential Kennedy tweet-down (Twitter meltdown).
- Twitter, when taken with alcohol, can be an enabler of one’s deepest-seated wants and whims, and Andy Kennedy knows a thing or two about booze-related boondoggles. In short, a DUI logically begets a TUI, and Coach understandably wants to avoid any news ending with "under the influence." Can’t blame him, really.
- Andy Kennedy – for professional reasons – only uses burner flip-phones (probably), and thus "apps" are entirely foreign to his day-to-day existence.
- In a rather hilarious turn of events, AK instead downloaded Twiddler, a competitive thumb-war app.
- "The University already gave me a Google+ account; what the hell more do you want from me?"
- In the hallowed words of John Wooden, "tweetin’ ain’t crootin’, and if you ain’t crootin’, you ain’t winnin’."
- Andy Kennedy whole-heartedly buys into the First Commandment of Twitter:
1. don't tweet— Erik Malinowski (@erikmal) August 14, 2014
One or some or all of these possibilities could explain AK’s aversion to the Twitterverse, but why let the speculation stop there? If he were on Twitter, what exactly would Andy Kennedy tweet about? Hmmm …
- On Twitter, you are who you follow (it might be the other way around, but that’s not really important for our purposes here). Which means that the first account AK would follow is almost certainly Jos. A. Bank. He’d also subscribe to Barbasol’s timeline and at least eight different Gilette Razors accounts, just to be safe.
- Most college coaches’ Twitter feeds comprise enthusiastic retweets of current and former players’ successes, various philanthropic and charitable functions, or athletic-departmentally packaged hype media. All of which is to say that AK’s timeline would feature daily photoshops of his head on Mr. Clean’s body.
- AK is a stylish dude, in a Russian mob sort of way (no tie with the suit, Andy? Really?), so it stands to reason that Coach would undoubtedly crowd-source the day's wardrobe. "Pinstripes or nah? RT for yes, Fav for no," will, by rule, be tweeted out before every Rebel basketball game. "I'm lovin' these #Sebago wingtips, y'all! #HottyToddy."
- Every Twitter user trips up early in their tweeting career, and Andy Kennedy would be no exception. Completely ignorant that tweets are visible to all, AK (I'm guessing around his 10th tweet or so) would have to issue an apology and retraction after replying to @MakersMark, "You got me into trouble, but I don't love you any less for it! #oops."
- AK's favorites list will be an unending stream of Marshall Henderson's travails in Doha and sporadic, bookmark-to-buy-later hits of men's socks. SmartWool is some functional stuff, y'know?
- "Can someone please explain the #Clanga hashtag? Big game this week!"
Without a verified @CoachAndyKennedy account to confirm these suppositions, we're left in the dark as to AK's reasons for avoiding Twitter, but until I see or hear otherwise, the above theories comprise the most comprehensive working explanation for Coach's social media silence. To be sure, I heartily encourage even more rampant speculation in the comments below, or hit me up on Twitter. #AKTweets