clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

#TheNetwork is Real, Y'all

Our widespread chicanery has been exposed, but it's too powerful to be stopped now.

via EMsStTE

This past weekend marked Ole Miss' annual croot-a-ganza - a weekend during which Hugh Freeze and staff entertain dozens of high school football recruits in Oxford just weeks before National Signing Day and, invariably, earn a solid commitment or two in the process. The annual recruiting weekend typically involves the presence of a few uncommitted blue-chippers (i.e., CeCe JeffersonDamarkus Lodge), who spend time with already committed blue-chippers (i.e., Drew RichmondEric Swinney), coaches, players, professors and students in a whirlwind of team building exercises, roundtable discussions, brown bag lunches, and partying at the Library until they kick you out.

This annual weekend has provided a steady stream of crootin' related entertainment over the last few years, namely in the form of rumor mongering and paranoid conspiracy theorizing regarding the machinations of the recruitment of 17-year-old boys. Last year we saw nonsensical theorizing about a recruiting "philosophy" of making a big splash on National Signing Day, results on the field be damned. Two years ago we were graced with e-outrage over Laquon Treadwell photographing a couple hundred bucks and a totally bogus notion that the father of Robert and Denzel Nkemdiche was being handed a job to entice the former to ink with the Rebels.

This year, however, the ever so diligent observations of Ole Miss' most ardent detractors has finally paid off. Our deepest, most well-kept secret has finally been exposed. Ole Miss' ability to attract blue chip talent has nothing to do with our university, our town, our football program, our coaches, nor our fun and football obsessed culture. No, it's all the work of a league of extraordinarily cunning fundraisers who do things like "find an 'in'" and "pay recruits to visit campus" (which is brilliant, considering that the NCAA already does this for official visits - it's double cash!) and conspire to "make Oxford appear busy and populated." This all works so that star football recruits - who, as our whistleblower can clearly tell, are easily fooled and incapable of making informed decisions - are happy to sign with Ole Miss after a bunch of cash has, I dunno, been funneled through an aunt or something.

Here, see for yourself (via this embedded tweet, as to spare you the visual diarrhea that is the source material):

This whole operation, which we haven't been clever enough to name anything other than "The Network," has been working overtime as of late to make sure that we mislead people into thinking Oxford is a nice place (we're apparently really good at that) and convince recruits that we're not all terrible, conniving people. That, and it pushes cash all over the damn place.

Just as it's bought croots, it's bought a lot of undue influence in and around Mississippi. As a member of The Network myself (I'm the Level Three Crootmaster of the DC chapter - pretty proud of that, y'all), I relented to our having been exposed, and spilled the beans as to just how deep this rabbit hole can go.

Of course, many of y'all replied with the perks and benefits you've received as being a part of The Network. You did so as we always do: via a hashtag. That can be found here, and it's quite thorough (and hilarious).

For example, did you know that we pretty much get whatever the hell we want from fast food joints?

(Props to @onemantobeat who got the whole hashtag rolling with this tweet. Nice work, TSUNminati member.)

I mean, it all makes sense when you consider just how well structured the whole operation is. We've got the ears of a lot of folks and have our hands in all sorts of pockets.

That's right, Archie Manning controls the NCAA and The Network, through some elaborate back channels, controls the entirety of the European continent. How else do you explain this?

Ready-to-assemble Swedish furniture sold out of a warehouse that also deals in $0.50 hot dogs. You're welcome, Mid South.

And don't act like we don't also have Hollywood on lockdown.


And it just gets more and more nefarious, y'all. Only Network kids will understand:


Oh, you thought Tony Soprano died? HA! David Chase told us the whole thing. He wasn't shot; he spilled ketchup on his lap, said "GABAGOUL CARMELA," fought a stranger, said something racist, then won like a billion Emmys. (This is your reminder that "The Sopranos" is arguably the greatest television series ever created.)

The Network has helpful neighbors and takes full advantage of municipal services, y'all.

Oh, and you know we run this motherfucking planet from the top all the way to the damn bottom. Even a rural, municipal police force can't elude our grasp.

Of course law enforcement's on the take. That's the first step taken in creating any clandestine crootin' machine, but y'all already knew that.

Oh, and one final bit of advice for those foolish enough to attempt to expose #TheNetwork: