There are few better places to observe the online bickerings of an intrastate rival than the comments thread of newspaper articles. This is particularly true with the websites of papers affiliated with Gannett, as they've all moved to a Facebook-driven commenting system. This means that only the die-hards, unafraid to be seen in e-public, are daring (and probably unaware) enough to opine. The Clarion-Ledger's website is one such place and, being that its reader base is made up primarily of bored baby boomers, it provides seemingly endless entertainment at the expense of arguments littered with poor grammar, corny jokes, and illogically constructed premises.
This edition of Message Board Idiots will feature comments from the Clarion-Ledger, and in particular highlight two of my absolute favorite folks to run into when looking for news about Ole Miss.
Now, I'm not in the witchhunt business around here. I'm in the pointing and laughing business. That said, I don't feel comfortable using someone's full name or taking screen grabs of their Facebook goings on, even if said activities are very much publicly available. "Who said what" is not really the point of this little exercise anyway - it's the fact that it's being said in the first place that makes it so enjoyable. So I will simply defer to these users' first names (except for one, and you'll see why, and you won't feel bad for it), which is convenient enough given how plain they are to begin with.
Today, we will feature James and Steve. James and Steve are just the best Clarion-Ledger commenters ever. James is a Bulldog, Steve is a Rebel, they both clearly hate each others guts, and they're both convinced of their own superiority, both as fans and as human beings.
And they're both completely batshit stupid.
First, let me give you a little bit of a preview of what Steve has to offer (note: I left all grammar, spelling, and punctuation as is - something which will be very obvious soon enough). Here he is retaliating to a rather succinct comment by "Marvin" on an EotC story on Denzel Nkemdiche's importance to the Rebels this fall:
Steve: Melvin what sec university that doesn't have a national championship in anything that right cpu ( cow patty university bull pups )
Gosh, where to begin. First, the guy he's replying to is named "Marvin," not "Melvin," and, yes, "thug" is literally the only thing that Marvin had to say regarding the elder Nkemdiche. It hardly warrants a response but that never stopped Steve. Then there's the complete disregard for any sort of punctuation outside of one appropriately placed apostrophe and an inappropriately-placed parenthetical explaining his ever-so-clever "cpu" moniker. But what is arguably the greatest asset of Steve's reply is that it's not really a reply at all. It's a canned, catch-all response that's nothing more than saying "oh yeah, well you suck." It's really stupid, and it's really funny, but not at all in the way he intended it to be.
Steve, though isn't really the star of this show. He's certainly the most entertaining Rebel antagonist amongst the Clarion-Ledger's commenters, but he's but a novice when compared to the aforementioned James.
James is a loyal Bulldog supporter whose disdain for Ole Miss is marked by incredible delusion and a borderline unhealthy vitriol. He is also a terrible speller. He sure has a lot on his mind regarding Ole Miss, and isn't afraid to share it, even in less-than-sensical contexts. This, naturally, upsets Steve and, when James and Steve get after it, the comments threads devolve into what seem like the bickering of an old married couple - if both of the members of said couple had suffered significant head trauma at some point in their lives.
Here is but a taste of what James is capable of, with his comments from the Clarion-Ledger story on Senquez Golson's arrest:
James: Another Sodom U. athlete in trouble with the law! That immoral, lawless place is out of control. What parent in their right mind would allow their child to go to school there. No wonder over half the Sodom U. students are from out-of-state! Not sirprisding that MSU has a top 10 recruiting class for 2015 and Sodom U is below 50 and falling. Recruits are avoiding this immoral. lawless place like the plague and are flocking to MSU where brotherhood and fellowship abound. Every day its drugs, assault, rape, theft, resisting arrest and who knows what else. Parents, please protect your children from these predators and perverts.
There is just so much here! Biblical allegory, citations of law and morality, accusations of rape (alongside... resisting arrest?), and a plea to parents to shield their children from such madness - it's incredible, is what it is.
A few comments later, Steve is to the rescue! The back-and-forth begins after a quick interjection from Sam:
Sam: Not surprising.
Steve: Sam I am why do love ole miss blog so much I thought you where a cpu fan and like cow patty university bull pups don't have the same things going on there or did you forget this is kids here making mistakes I'm sure you never did growing up!!!!!!!
James: Hi Stevie Blunder! How is your pet nanny goat, Baaaaaaby Love? I understand you love to eat the world cclass cow patties made from cattle developed by MSU world class animal research scientists. FYI, The MSU liberal arts programs are light year ahead of Sodom U. My son-in-law is a MSU grad who d3evelopes space ships. What do you do except play with Baaaaaaby Love? SEx, drugs, beer, puke> Sodom U. thats you!
Steve: James all I see from you is a brain wasted from way too many drugs do you ever read your post and what about the rebels and where where cpu ( cow patty university bull pups ) at home just like in basketball now it's baseball and the # 35 class in recruiting all down hill and did you see the video of your football team need to watch it !!!! HOTTY TODDY WIN THE DAY FINS UP !!!!!!!!!!!
But all of that's but a mere sample of the greatness that is the tandem of James and Steve. The following comments come from a story which looks ahead to the 2016 Ole Miss Rebel recruiting class, one which already features some of Mississippi's top rising junior football talents. I shan't interject with any of my annotations or thoughts, because they're absolutely unnecessary in the presence of such brilliance:
Steve: Dope head james two have already jump ship from cpu ( cow patty university bull pups ) this year all it takes one trip to Oxford and to the university we are so far ahead of cpu it's not even funny watch they won't be the only two!!!!!!! HOTTY TODDY WIN THE DAY FINS UP! !!!!!
James: Sodom U. has a grand total of 11 commitments for the 2015 and 2016 classes combined whild MSU haf 18 for 2015 alone. These 15 year old kids haven't been approached by the Bamas, LSUs, Floridas, and other nationally prominent teams. They are all of 3 strong and are claiming a top 3 recruiting class. What a hoot! After MSU wins their 5th Egg Bowl of the past 6 and then the 7th of 8 and sodom U. falls flat due to lack of linemen and depth they will be running to Starkville. The comntim=nues long and sickly list of crimes, drug abuse, DUIs, rapes and other morally sick and criminal acts in the Sodom U. athletic department, parents are keeping theeir sons away from such a corrupt environment in favor of places where brotherhood and fellowship abound along with a merging championship program. How ridiculous for 3 15 year old kids to think they can dictate to other high school kids where they go to college. I believe all you gus are smart enough and ndeppendent enough to not allow 3 blabbermouth 15 year old eotists to order you to go to a school just because they plan to go there. Be your own man, not a slave or robot for the plantation up at Oxpatch.
Steve: Dope head ,what is the only university in the sec that hasn't won a national championship in any sport that would be cpu ( cow patty university bull pups ) now that's funny !!!!!!!!!!! HOTTY TODDY WIN THE DAY FINS UP! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Olen: [A post about Athlon Sports having Ole Miss in its preseason top-20, with a link to said article.]
James: Mugugly Daily and Putrrid Press, along with Outhouse Quarterly and Mad Magaxine also predict Sodom U. to win it all! That means we should simply crown The Bears and not allow Bama, LSU, Auburn, Arkansas, A&M or MSU to even try. Soaring expectations, huh? Sodom U has a grand total of 11 commits for 2015 and 2016 combinec while MSU has 18 for 2015 alone. Parents are guiding their children away from all the immoral and criminal elements up at Oxpatch. Why do you thimnk more than half of the Sodom U. students come from out-of-state? they are liberal, dopers and drunkards wanting to party. The in-state students are going to MSU where thay can get aangood education and watch the best athletice in the state. Predictions are a dime a dozen and mean nothing Olen The Red(neck)!
James: All Sodom U. s doing is trying to influence young kids and detract from the 2014 Mississippi State recruiting class which is among the nation's best and the fact that
Sodom U.'s 2014 class is among the nation's worse. Also, the fact that MSU has beaten Sodom U. 4 of the past 5 years. MSU has a solid very deep team which gets bvetter each year while Sodom U. is so weak in so many positions they will be lucky to break even. 3 15 year old kids yapping means absolutely nothing. Recruits, be wary of uch propagande and go to the shool where greatness, brotherhood and fellowship abound. MSU!!!
Steve: Dope head james what's the only university in the sec that hasn't won a national championships that's right cpu ( cow patty university bull pups ) that's zero none now that's funny jack !!!!!!!! HOTTY TODDY WIN THE DAY FINS UP! !!!!!!
James: Poor little Stevie Blunder! Son, which SEC West team is the onmly team to have never played in the
sEC championship game. You got it kiddo! Sodom U. Which SEC team in Mississsippi has played in the basketball final 4? You got it kidddo, MSU. Which team has never played in the basketball final 4. Right again! Sodom U. Whioch team has played in the CWS championship game. Right, MSU. Which team has not? Right again! Sodom U. Who has won 4 of the past Egg Bowls and has the Golden Egg in their trophy case? Right Boy. MSU! Which team has an overwhelming edge in wins in when you total the 3 major sports. basketball, football, and baseball. MSU of course. The so-called national championship claimed by Sodom U. was called a mythical championship when t it because so many different entities named teqams as no. 1 at season's end. That happened about 60 years ago. So, I have provided undisputed documentation that MSU has, by far, the most outstanding athletic department in the state. I know you enjoy the cow patties you eat at burger joints. They are safe, and delicious due to out world reknown animal scientists. As for the. juvenile dope head and other names, they just show how juvenile and stupid you are By the way, what year did you get your degree from Sodom U.? What was it in, childish ranting? Facts antd truth hurt, don't they Stevie Blunder. Oh yes, how is your pet nanny goat, Baaaaaaby Love? Are you and her havg a wonderful time during your romps in the woods?
James: 3 10th grade kids ranting and bragging and Sodom U. has a no. 1 ranking for years in the future? How nutty can you get? These kids will change their minds a million times in 2 years and none of them may even qualify academically. Get real! When theeir parents find out about the criminal and morraly corrupt nature of the Sodom U. athletic department, they won't let their children near the place. 3 commist 2 years in advance and you will be the greatest class ever? Tell me another good one!!
Then Larry pulls out the trite - but true - "you're the ones on NCAA probation" line.
James: BS larry! That little nothing was over 3 years ago. We had a coach who got out of line and fired him on the spot. The player never played a down untill he was cleared by the NCAA. We kicked all the immoral and criminal players off our team and have great fellowship and brotherhood. Sosom U. Covers up for any athlete regardless of haw immoral or how criminal he is. Rape, assault, DUI, Drugs, Resisting arrest and on and on, yet Sodom U. never follows through with any didcipline. We had a coach violate a rule and fired him at once. That does not make our entire athletic department morally corrupt. Henderson in basketball, the Nincompoochies in football and numerous others were allowed to plar at Oxpatch when any morally upright program would have booted them . Allowing athletes and studente to run rampant againse decency and morality is morally corrupt. the top party school, Sodom U. Meets that criteria. SEX, DRUGS, BEER, PUKE. SODOM U., THATS YOU!
LARRY! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS LARRY!
Here's Sam again! If you'll recall, Sam was the guy who remarked that Senquez Golson's arrest was "not surprising," an interesting remark considering the nature of Senquez's arrest. I can't say I'm surprised he was arrested for standing around shirtless at 4:30 AM, but I can't say I'm not surprised either. I don't know Senquez well enough to have any sort of idea what behavior of his counts as a "surprise." We can only presume Sam does, though!
Anyway, here's Sam is on a Jamal Peters article where the highly-recruited Bassfield, Mississippi safety prospect lists his top-5 schools:
Sam: Son, I don't care where you go, you'll still have to EARN your place. You're just one of the many 4 star players out there and many of those high star players never make it on the field as they are outplayed on the practice field by 3 star or lower players. Dib;t think you're the only one that wants to play their freshman year. Sounds to be like you have an EGO problem. Where do you stand on academics? What IF you don't make it to the NFL? Are you going to be working at a fast food restaurant like mcdonalds or hanging out with thugs, punks and druggies? You're only one major injury from taking you out of sports for life. You'd better screw your head on right and quit reading all the headlines.
You hear that Jamal? Sam's hardly offering you a false trichotomy here! Your options in life are a) play in the NFL, b) work at a fast food restaurant (like McDonalds - thanks for the example, Sam), or c) hang out with thugs, punks, and "druggies." That's it, Jamal. Those are your only options. So you better listen up, and check your ego, because this Sam guy clearly knows you well enough to know what's best for you.
And then this, from another recruiting story, because nothing brings out the crazy as well as recruiting:
Chris Garrett: It's pitiful the delusional propaganda bear fans listen to from Freezus and their A.D. Our State is in the rise and bears hate to see it period. Those 4 and 5 star recruits clearly haven't meant much in the egg bowl. HAILSTATE
Then someone points out that the Chris Garrett featured here is this Chris Garrett, the former Tupelo High School quarterback who briefly walked on at Ole Miss. Just thought I'd toss that one in there for the lulz.
Happy trollin', everybody. I there's anything you've found on these World Wide Webs worth contributing, won't you let us know in the comments thread?
And James, Steve: y'all keep doing you.