Ole Miss baseball: Right field heckling guide

[Ed: The Nkemist, well known as one of the most diabolical player haters this side of the Mississippi, has decided to share his secrets to Right Field heckling. The following is his work entirely. Like the Sith Lord to his apprentice, he has graciously chosen to pass along his dark and powerful knowledge of the ancient art of Hate.

Disclaimer: He does a lot of cussing, so if you're a sensitive type, you should probably direct your browser elsewhere. It's a heckling guide, what the fuck did you expect?]

Every other weekend or so in the Spring, droves of non-fuck-giving Ole Miss students fueled on booze, crawfish, & curse words fill the terraces in the right field corner of Swayze Field. Due to their advantageous location and lack of supervision, the students are free to openly spew sweet, sweet hate at opposing players. It's generally frowned upon to openly heckle opposing players within the cozy confines of Oxford-University Stadium, but in Right Field, the gloves come off.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me explain my purpose. I’m going into my eighth year of boozing/heckling in Right Field. My once carefree college lifestyle packed with loads of free time has become cluttered with things like work, insurance, 401k, prostate exams, etc. Everyone must grow up at some point, I guess. I no longer have the luxury of spewing vile, malicious heckle-verse at opposing outfielders on a consistent basis. Therefore, I have decided to pass on what I have learned over my career.

There is a definite art to heckling. Sure, simply yelling "Fuck you!" gets the point across. The opponent now knows that you hate him, but he already knew that. You need a razor-sharp, nasty heckle to effectively get in their head. They play 30+ away games per season and have heard their fair share of generic heckling. They are essentially immune to the common-man’s insult. You have to get personal. For example, would you want someone talking about your whore mother? No, I didn’t think so. But what if they called her by name? "Your mother, Barbara L. Blandweather, is a whore!"

Damn, shit just got real. If you yell something like that at an opposing player, you probably have his attention at that point. He knows that you looked at his school bio a few minutes ago on your smart phone, big deal. Much to his surprise, you have a secret weapon. You went the extra mile and found her on Facebook. Your detective work has discovered that she dresses as a clown for children’s birthday parties for extra cash in her spare time. You spout off a few "your mother is a dirty clown slut" jokes. Now his fragile mind is like putty in your hands. He may even cry.

Let’s take an in depth look at how heckling affects the outcome of a game. It’s a Friday night and we’re playing LSU. They are highly ranked and favored to win. The crowd is rowdy. The air is thick with excitement. You catch a break in the crowd chatter and loudly spout off to the right fielder about some personal info -- his mother, Wanda, "needs to shave her bush" and his girlfriend, Shayna, "has a large mouth vagina and a lazy eye." You’ve made contact. That’s the first step. You and your friends continue to berate him over the first few innings. Next thing you know, he has a bad at-bat in the 4th inning. You let him know that he needs to come "get Shayna off your lap." Is she in your lap? Probably not, but he may not know that for sure. Maybe they had a fight over the weekend and she "needs some time." He has another bad at-bat in the 7th inning. Then he realizes the heckling is getting to him. He loses focus. It’s now the bottom of the 9th, the Rebs are down a run. That’s when it happens. The culmination of your heckling work has come to fruition as the right fielder muffs a routine fly ball, sparking a come-from-behind win for the Rebs. You have done your job.

Now that you understand the importance of heckling, I'd like to touch on proper technique and give a bit of inspiration. The ultimate goal is to damage the delicate psyche of the opposing players using any means necessary. To help with the creative process, here are a few ideas to get you started:

• Delivery is key. Don’t scream or yell in an angry tone. You want to aim more for pompous and condescending at an elevated volume.
• Research is important. Social media is your friend.
• The opponent’s media guide is the heckler’s bible. This is a good place to start.
• Anything goes, as long as the security guards are not paying attention.
• Make it personal. Even if it’s not true. Example: "Your girlfriend, Sarah, wanted me to ask you why you can’t get your dick hard anymore!"
• All of their mothers, sisters, aunties, grandmothers, wives, and girlfriends are whores and they need to get out of your lap.
• Their parents don’t love them. This is especially useful when the player is a child of divorce.
• Make fun of them for being poor.
• Find their girlfriend on social media. Analyze her appearance. Find a fault. Attack. Example: "Your girlfriend Kim’s nose is almost as long as her dick!"
• If in your research you discover their mother, sister, or girlfriend is unusually ugly, let them know your displeasure. Example: "Hey #18! Your sister is so ugly; I wouldn’t fuck her with your dick!"
• Use factual information to make clever, over elaborate heckles. Example: "Hey Georgie, is it true that your mother owns a restaurant called Asian Rim? Is she hiring? I’d love to have an Asian Rim job from your mother!" (This actually happened)
• If they strike out or make an error in the field, go for the throat. Example: "Try not to trip on your vagina next time!"
• Be on the lookout for mutual friends of opponents. Ole Miss has a very diverse student body, so there's a good chance you may know someone that has some juicy personal info on opposing players. Example: "Hey Nkemist! I went to high school with the right fielder. We dared him to suck his own dick at a party once and he actually did it."
• Get his teammates involved. Example: "Hey No. 17! Is it true that No. 12 donkey punched your girlfriend last weekend? That’s what everybody is saying!"
• Use rare or embarrassing sexual acts to your advantage. Example: "Your mother, Karen gives the best Western-grip hand jobs!"
• Criticize everything they do while in the field, especially if they have any strange rituals. Example: "Hey No. 19, do you keep readjusting your crotch because you were born with a pussy-penis hybrid?"
• Comment on their apparel and equipment. Example: "That’s right No. 14, finger that glove like I fingered your mother last night."
• Crowded games allow for the raunchiest heckling, but your voice does not tend to travel as far and is not as pronounced. Pick your heckling windows carefully in order to maximize effectiveness.
• Less crowded games are great for making sure the opponents hear you, but be courteous to the women and children along the 1st baseline as they will also be able to hear Fuck the women and children along the 1st baseline. We have a game to win.
• Make it a group effort. Nothing is better than quality group hate. Example: "No. 12 has a mangina! No. 12 has a mangina! No. 12 has a mangina!"
• Get some ladies involved. Baseball players love three things in life: baseball, flat bills and cleat chasers. It is scientific fact. Nothing is more emasculating than a girl criticizing your throwing technique or your sweet Oakley shades.
• Last but not least, don’t forget to throw a little hate towards the opposing bull pen. It’s a bunch of dudes in a confined space doing a bunch of squatting, spitting and grunting. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel.

Now that you have been properly informed, go forth and do your part to ensure that Swayze Field continues to be an imposing destination for opponents. I will visit Right Field every now and then to check on you. Make me proud.