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"Any Cow of Mine" - A Video Fisking

Shania Twain probably hates Mississippi State.

Lars Baron

Here's a "remix" of "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain produced by some, um, ambitious Mississippi State bovine studies students (?). Apparently it was a part of some competition which requires a set of skills that cannot be properly learned from farmed books.

Let's break it down, shall we?

0:00 - First off, Shania Twain is terrible. I'm very judgmental of country music, but that isn't to say that I dislike country music. Not at all. Hell, I can hate SmashMouth and still love rock. I can hate T Pain and still love rap. Catch my drift? Shania Twain is a harpy who sings kitchy bullshit songs about bein' a woman in this rough and tumble man's world, and if you don't like it, honey, then you can just hit the bricks /tiesflannelshirt /revealsmidriff /sellsmillionsofalbums

I mean, c'mon, she's from Ontario. Nothing about being from north of the Great Lakes says "country music" at all. Merle Haggard probably hates her music too, which is all the metric I need.

0:05 - Dude with shitkickers pulled up over his jeans, speak audibly into the camera. We all know that you don't want a damn thing to do with this video, but ham it up a bit. Sheesh.

0:08 - Tractor

0:30 - "I better milk her on time." You're a farmer. She's a cow. She operates on your schedule. The whole premise of this song is flawed. You don't need to tell it what to do or make any demands of it, because it's a fucking cow.

0:40 - Buy a microphone that works and try to maintain some rhythm. You're all mumbling over each other, so I can't really discern what brilliant lyrics you've undeniably penned for this magnum opus. I do like how the girl up front has a bit of a shimmy going when she's sticking that butt-vacuum thing on that heffer's genitals. (Clearly, I have no idea what exactly she's doing.)

0:55 - Worst. Moo. Ever.

1:12 - They actually use the words "teats" and "lactating" in this song.

1:22 - Breakin' out the trophy case I see! "She's gotta be a record-breakin', baby-makin', butter-shakin'" something or another, which should be expected in Oktibbeha county because you all clearly have a track record of all of the above.

1:44 - "When I inseminate, she better take it?" Good lord.

1:45 - Aaaaand yes, she just pulled her arm out of that animal's asshole.

2:15 - At least they're happy looking cows. Or maybe this is what the bovine version of Stockholm Syndrome looks like.


2:45 - Trying to do some sort of Petticoat Junction stuff right here. "E" for effort.

3:05 - That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude in maroon hoodie with the shitkickers on could learn a thing or two from this young lady. She really hams it up while yanking those udders.

3:17 - Pop 'n' lock it, y'all.

3:26 - "Shimmy, shake, make a milkshake." Rhyming "shake" with "shake" is an interesting artistic license you've taken here.

3:40 - I am determined (not really) to make this dance the next Cha Cha Slide. Do-se-do and stomp your boots, clang your cowbells and cut it loose, or whatever the hell it is.

3:50 - Poor maroon hoodie shitkicker guy (let's call him "Brett"), he was clearly extorted into doing this by a young lady he's either attracted to or severely indebted to, because there's no way that any guy could be coerced into such embarrassment otherwise. It's okay Brett. You'll have a long career in the industry to fall back on, assuming this doesn't get out... whoops.

3:58 - Brief Gangnam Style at the end there. That's like putting doodoo sprinkles on a diarrhea sundae.

4:00 - Nobody wants to look at your cat.

4:02 - See! Even your cat's embarrassed by this!

And before I conclude, let me remind everyone that I have nothing against farmers or the dairy industry writ large. We have 300M+ fat mouths to feed in this country, and I applaud everyone working hard to make sure that such is possible. Also, I am a huge fan of cheese of, really, any sort.

So this isn't a knock on America's dairy farmers at all. This is just a goofy and amusing video which I, in my Ole Miss bias, can use to deride Mississippi State. That's it. Just as I'd get mocked if I showed up on this farm with my liberal arts education and big city sensibilities, I too laugh at those who unknowingly embarrass themselves. Deal with it.

(Oh but I'm sure these are all straight-A students from nice families who just want to get an education and feed the world. That's great, and I'm proud of them. Spare the lecture.)