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Report: Ole Miss Has No Damns to Give

Red Cup Rebellion has obtained exclusive fake and satirical information that the University of Mississippi, frankly, doesn't give a damn.

Marshall Henderson does not give a damn.
Marshall Henderson does not give a damn.

OXFORD, MS - University of Mississippi officials have confirmed reports that the school’s reserve of damns has been completely exhausted.

“We are out of damns to give. We do not give one single damn,” Chancellor Dan Jones told reporters late Saturday night. “This is an unprecedented situation in our university’s history.”

SBNation affiliate Red Cup Rebellion began investigating whether the university's athletics program was still giving a damn after a member of the Ole Miss basketball team engaged in some celebratory taunting after a win over Auburn on Saturday. Known colloquially as “Ole Miss,” the university is a big generator of damns through its influential fraternity and sorority system. However, university officials have been concerned about their damn reserves since November of 2009.

“When I came to the university, I noticed that there had been a significant drop in the damns given correlative with the increased bravado coming out of Starkville,” said Athletics Director Ross Bjork, referencing rival school Mississippi State. “Giving a damn about everybody else is difficult in these tough economic times. And, honestly, we didn’t give a damn when we showed that ‘we’ll never lose to this team again’ video. I’m not apologizing, obviously. I can’t. I don’t give a damn.”

Ole Miss has, historically, given many damns. Nearly the entirety of its student body dropped out of school in the 1860’s to fight in the Civil War. Its fraternity and sorority population devote much time to campus elections, philanthropy, and their wardrobes. And its 25 Rhodes scholars are a testament to the damns it has given about academic achievement.

“We believe that the last damn was given when one of our football recruits posted a photograph of himself on Twitter in the company of some female students,” Bjork said.

Reports have confirmed that Ole Miss football commit Laquon Treadwell was shown in a photo being kissed on the cheek by two females, which sources have described as being attractive.

“After that picture went up, boosters from another SEC school suggested that the women in the picture were not – let me put this gently – of the highest moral repute. The recruit is a fine young man, and I’ve never thought there’s anything wrong with a kiss on the cheek. So, after that, we were pretty much out of damns to give,” Bjork said.

Treadwell is an African American, and the women in the referenced photograph are Caucasian. The other SEC school is believed to be rival Mississippi State.

Subsequent to the damn reserves being exhausted, Marshall Henderson, star of the Ole Miss basketball team, reportedly taunted fans at a game in Auburn, Alabama.

“We’ve not yet confirmed whether [Marshall] has ever given a damn,” Bjork said. Chancellor Jones indicated that the university is working to address the situation. “We are considering whether to raise the university damn limit in order to accommodate the sensitivities of our neighbor institutions, many of whom are objecting to the university’s increasing visibility in athletics, but, at this point, we really cannot give a damn.”