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(Not at all) Real Television Shows to Appear on the Upcoming SEC Network

This face on your television, hours at a time. It'll happen.
This face on your television, hours at a time. It'll happen.

Ross Bjork let the cat slip out of the bag this week and informed the public of the forthcoming SEC television network, currently dubbed "Project X". No longer will ESPNU simply change its logo to the round SEC emblem; we're getting our own channel.

Will it be worth it? Hell yes it will. It will be awesome, something which I can say with confidence because the Southeastern Conference's tried and true "throw money at it until it works" method will be in full employ to make it awesome. It will broadcast various SEC sporting events, both live and as replays, as well as air coaches shows, "classic" football games, and generally serve as a powerful vehicle by which to continue promoting the SEC's brand of college athletics.

To boot, it will assuredly be broadcast via satellite or cable into your home at a speed much faster than that of the B1G network.

Aside from all of that, though, what else will this network use to fill up its programming schedule? Surely you can't replay the 2010 Iron Bowl ad nauseum just to fill up time ("The hell you cain't!"). This is the SEC network; this has got to be unique and showcase what it is about our corner of America that makes this conference more than a collection of universities competing against one another in athletic contests - what makes it a cultural institution.

What sorts of television shows might accomplish this end?

Swamp People Redux featuring a shirtless Ed Orgeron beating the shit out of alligators with a boat oar.

Tailgating Treats with Paula Deen, where said pummeled reptiles are battered, fried, dusted with powdered sugar and drizzled in caramel. There will be a weekly segment entitled "So you've got Diabetes? Like you give a fuck."

Infomercials for Hoverounds posing as public service announcements.

A blatant ripoff of No Reservations featuring Andy Kennedy. Unlike the Anthony Bourdain version of this show, which sees the host spend his days in various locales worldwide sampling their culinary and cultural offerings, this one will feature the Rebel basketball coach traveling across the American Midwest, drinking cheap beer and fighting the locals.

Bill Dance telling terrible stories while reeling in channel cats. This will be the network's flagship program.

Vanderbilt's Haughty Education Hour featuring lectures on Booooorrrrrrrrrrrrriiinnnnnggg by Dr. Nobody McGivesadamn, PhD.

You know those Sunday-morning church services that are live broadcast which you don't watch? You'll start watching them when Houston Nutt and Hugh Freeze tag team to deliver the good word right to the liquid crystal display of your Samsung. Watch as Houston whips out a bunch of rattlesnakes and just starts shaking the hell out of them in front of the congregation! See a Jars of Clay-singing Hugh Freeze visibly display both horror and fascination!

Robert Nkemdiche's World, where Neal McCready and a half-dozen Alabama fans follow the Logan, Georgia defensive end prospect around with a handicam.

Golf Like a Professional with Steve Spurrier, which largely feature an annoyed coach Spurrier shouting "quit followin' me, and get that gotdanged camera out of here before I call the police."

Why Ole Miss is a DooDoo Place that Sucks and has Jerk Fans, a ten-part miniseries written and directed by Whit Waide.

The Real Housewives of Tuscaloosa which, really, is every bit as catty and monkeyshit stupid as the other shows in the Real Housewives canon, but without the designer clothes and houses built upon foundations.

Survival Skills Featuring Bear Grylls and Les Miles, where each talk about things that they've eaten that probably should have killed them or at least given them cause for violent diarrhea.

Dave Neal. He's immortal.

And, of course, my man Cowboy:

Just hours, and hours of this. That's all I ask for.