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RCR Theatre: Brandt Interviews Bjork

Our scene opens with David Brandt, an AP reporter - who means well, bless his heart - looking to mine a few quotes for an upcoming wire story on new Ole Miss Director of Intercollegiate Athletics, Ross Bjork. Unfortunately, he or some idiot who works for him has misunderstood the recent news of Ole Miss' hire, and has actually reached out and scheduled a telephone interview with the Icelandic pop singer and all around bizarre human being, Bjork. [A note, all quotes in this article are actual quotes from Bjork the singer. Ain't Google great?]. Being batshit crazy, the singer hasn't refuted Brandt's assertion that she is the new athletic director at Ole Miss. Brandt, wearing his finest sweatpants and leaning over a speakerphone, with crumbs from a Subway BMT littering his cluttered desk, begins to ask Bjork a few questions.

The Original Enemy of the Cup, David Brandt: Thank you for taking the time to conduct this interview with me. Again, all of this is on the record and I'm just going to ask you some questions for a few wire stories and maybe an upcoming feature story for the Memphis Commercial Appeal.

Icelandic Crazy Lady, Muse of Lady GaGa, Bjork: I am a grateful... grapefruit.

DB: So, let's just begin with some questions. This news of being named the new athletic director must have been shocking to you, seeing as how you're relatively inexperienced with high-level athletics management and are very young for your profession. Did you think you'd ever become an athletics director so fast?

B: I always wanted to be a farmer. There is a tradition of that in my family.

DB: Ok... well, what do you think of athletics?

B: Football is a fertility festival. Eleven sperm trying to get into the egg. I feel sorry for the goalkeeper.

DB: I, uh, yeah... I'm not going to write that down. We'll just [coughs nervously] skip that one and move to my next question. For members of the Ole Miss faithful who don't know you, how would you describe yourself to the average Mississippian?

B: I am a fountain of blood in the shape of a girl.

DB: [uneasy pause] That's a unique way of putting it, I suppose. While we're on that topic though, most Division I athletic directors are male. Since you are a blood geyser or whatever the shit it is you just said, do you think there are any challenges that women face in a field dominated by men?

B: Usually when you see females in movies, they feel like they have these metallic structures around them, they are caged in by male energy.

DB: Ok. That doesn't exactly answer the question, but I think I see what you're trying to get at. You're saying that, in a male-dominated society or profession, women may feel limited by the very things that make them feminine, right? As if there's some sort of subtle repression or something?

[long pause]

I'm just looking for something to write down here, Bjork. Throw ol' Brandtsy Pants a bone here. Okay, here's what I want. I'm looking for something here that will endear you to the good-ole-boy core of the Ole Miss fanbase. Do you have anything?

B: I've been reading about reincarnation, and the Buddhists say we come back as animals, and they refer to them as lesser beings. Well, animals aren't lesser beings, they`re just like us. So I say fuck the Buddhists.

DB: That's great. I'll just edit out the rest of the statement and go with "fuck the Buddhists." Fox News will love it, and I'm sure Rachael Maddow will just eat that one up. I'll need to know though, are you a religious? Would you describe yourself as Christian? It's something that's important to a lot of fans and players, as well as a certain head football coach in your employ. And now that you're going all "fuck the Buddhists" on us, I'm not sure what to make of you.

B: I do not believe in religion, but if I had to choose one, it would be Buddhism. It seems more livable, closer to men.

DB: Dammit, Bjork. Now should I retract that whole "fuck the Buddhists" thing?

B: I can be very sneaky with myself. I am one of the most idiosyncratic people around.

DB: Yeah, clearly. Alright. Let's say, and this is purely hypothetical, that you, fail as athletic director. What will you do then?

B: If nothing else, I have money.

DB: Well, I guess things aren't all that different from one AD to the next... Here, just give me something fluffy I can work with. How about this, do you have any ideas for the Rebel Bear mascot?

B: Of course.