clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

GEORGIA HATE WEEK, or "Why the Bulldog is an Inferior Breed."

New, comments

[ED: We've been slower to get this to you than we normally would be, but that doesn't mean you've been bored or anything around here, right? Houston Nutt and Pete Boone fallout talk aside, though, we've got some HATIN' to do, so let's get on it.]

There are four FBS schools whose sports teams are named the "Bulldogs": Georgia, Mississippi State [rattlerattle], Fresno State, and Louisiana Tech. For those of you who didn't catch it right away, every one of those schools are on Ole Miss' schedule this season. I am far too lazy to look it up, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if this feat of scheduling is unprecedented in the history of college football.

So why is it that there are so many schools naming their teams the "bulldogs"? Sure you've got a handful of wildcats, who are scrappy little predators who few men would trifle with, and a bevy of tigers, which are the largest felines on this here Earth. And then there are few bears, indian tribes, cowboys and various ancient warriors - all of which are mighty and proud enough to serve as something after which you'd model a football team.

But a bulldog?

They're small, waddly, lazy, stinky, floppy, thick foldy-skin having, good-for-nothings, as far as I am concerned. Of course, they are adorable as puppies (AWWWW!!!), but once they've outgrown their youthful luster and grown into the lethargic bag of expensive health complications they really are, they become not much more than a four-legged, furry, 80-year-old man whose turds you've gotta pick up with little plastic baggies.

Bulldogs get their name from the barbaric bloodsport of "Bull-baiting" which, in fewer words, is letting a bunch of dogs loose on a tied up bull.

"Hey, that's mighty ferocious," you might be thinking, which is true. The modern bulldog, though, is but a distant cousin of its once mighty, fearless counterpart. Those dogs looked a little something like this. They were, indeed, a remarkable canine specimen to behold, possessing strength, loyalty, gumption, and a fighting spirit. Those bulldogs are something after which to name a ballclub.

This one isn't. 

So what went wrong? About 150 years ago, some entrepreneurial Brit thought it clever to crossbreed these beasts with... wait for it... a pug. I shit you not. The British Bulldogs you see Mississippi State, Georgia, et al trot out onto their football feilds are the descendents of pugs. PUGS. The little foldy-faced dogs who, per many, are "so ugly that they're cute." Who snore, burp, lose control of their bodily functions, and generally bring shame to the proud, lupine heritage of the domesticated dog.

Real dogs aren't what pugs are. Real dogs are strong, powerful, and brave. Real dogs are things like Dobermans and Huskies and German Shepherds, who stand tall and don't deal with your bullshit all that well. Real dogs don't let you do things like this:

Rebel fans, the bulldog is a silly damned dog, and it's a shame that we're probably going to lose three out of four games to teams named for them.