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The SEC in the NCAA's, A Hater's Guide

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We are Ole Miss which means, among many, many other things, that we're missing out on the NCAA tournament yet again while a handful of other SEC teams do their best (not you, Tennessee) to represent our conference in this year's March Madness. You're going to watch, and bitterly so, as teams which Ole Miss hung tough with and even defeated see their time on the floor in the greatest spectacle in "amateur" American sports.

We wanted to give you, our Rebel brothers and sisters, a primer of sorts. But, c'mon, you can get that anywhere and most of us don't really give a damn for platitudes on scoring averages and free throw percentages. So, in order to give you a bit of a preview of the rest of the tournament from a perspective only we can muster - and a few days late, per the usual - we at the Cup would like to provide you, the reader, with a guide to everything there is to dislike about the SEC teams competing in the big dance. Now, when you cuss and throw things at your television, you'll be doing so with some valuable context and establishment. Fun, huh?

No more ado is necessary. Haters are into brevity. Onwards!

VANDERBILT COMMODORES - Imagine that, a Kevin Stallings-led team losing early in March. Who'dathunk it? I hate that Ole Miss loses to Vanderbilt year-in-and-year-out, effectively tricking me into thinking their teams to be talented and well-coached. Nerds, country music, Australian players, etc. Next up: nobody, and that's exactly what the rest of us expected.

TENNESSEE VOLUNTEERS - Does anyone notice how white Michigan's basketball team is. I'm talking pastey, needs to go outside, suburbanite Midwesterner white. And they took Scotty Hopson and his hi-top + tattoos look to the fucking shed and beat them like a drum just a few hours ago. THAT is why Coach Pearl's on a fast train out of town, not necessarily because of his recruiting issues (okay, that has a lot to do with it), but because he takes highly recruited talent and performs admirably inconsistently with them year in and year out. I doubt any of us miss that loudmouth. Next up: Bruce Pearl leaving Tennessee before Qadaffi leaves Libya.

FLORIDA GATORS - I hope your happy with yourselves, Florida. What did UC Santa Barbara do to you anyway? And why do y'all have to be so damned good at everything anyway? Billy Donovan is the best coach in the SEC which, when considering his two national titles, isn't exactly shocking, but, c'mon, Billy Donovan? Sheesh, Florida has all of the luck. Next up: UCLA, 2:30 PM tomorrow.

GEORGIA BULLDOGS - Georgia has been in the big dance TWICE during the Andy Kennedy tenure at Ole Miss. This is mindboggling. The huskies, the Pac 10 tournament champs, should make quick work out of the Bulldogs but, shit, maybe not. The Classic City Canines have shown that they're excellent at shocking people in tournaments, and I wouldn't expect anything, good or bad, out of them. You've gotta think though that, with Athens being a short drive from Atlanta, that UGA wouldn't be a mediocre-ish basketball program but, shit, that's kinda how I feel about them in every sport... save for gymnastics. They're awesome at that, and the 1996 Olympics probably have something to do with that. STRETCHPANTS! Next up: Washington Huskies at 9:30 tonight.

KENTUCKY WILDCATS - It's such a John Calipari thing to do to string along a bunch of nerds before having Brandon Knight rip open their delicate chest cavities and crap all over their weak little hearts. I hope that felt good, bully. When y'all unceremoniously get reamed in the Sweet Sixteen by Ohio State, assuming you even survive the Bob Huggins led West Virginny Mountaineers, you'll still reel in a top class of a bunch of hyper talented one-and-dones who won't play very well as a team and will just run around in circles while dunking on short dudes and jacking up 40 foot threes, so who cares? The Calipari cycle of "run an NBA minor league team, rinse, repeat" will work just fine in this conference, and I hate y'all for that. Next up: West Virginia, Noon, Tomorrow.

 

Add some hate of your own if you've got it.