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Tad Smith Coliseum Converted into Natatorium

The Tad Smith Natatorium, or "Tool Pool."
The Tad Smith Natatorium, or "Tool Pool."

OXFORD (RCR) - Rennovations to the decades old Tad Smith Colliseum on the campus of the University of Mississippi were completed last night, as the "Tad Pad," once a venue for primarily Ole Miss Rebel basketball games, has been converted into an Olympic-sized natatorium. Per a statement released by the Ole Miss Athletic Director Pete Boone, "it just makes sense."

"People were getting tired of watching the [Ole Miss] Rebels lose to [arch-rival Mississippi] State [Bulldogs] in basketball, and the 'rennovations' cost me damned-near nothing, so I just let the floodgates open and welcomed this change. I think we are all going to be excited about the new possibilities this brand new, state-of-the-art, never-before-seen facility will afford to our athletics department."

Tad Smith Natatorium, or the "Tool Pool" as students are now calling it, will feature Ole Miss Rebel swimming, diving, and water polo competitions, despite the school currently lacking varsity programs in said sports.

"We'll burn that bridge once we get there," said Yancy Porter of "I don't know where they're going to fit all of the horses, but I'm sure Pete's thought that one through. We all should be excited for the new arboretum and the future of Ole Miss athletics."

Other ideas for events at the former basketball stadium include the removal of the building's entire roof so that the structure may be filled with water to create a rowing venue. According to Boone, "our history department is very interested in re-enacting the sinking of the Spanish Armada. I figure that'd take a few more good sized thunderstorms to reach that point, but it is certainly possible."

Delta Gamma  will be allowed to host their annual "Anchor Splash" in the new facility, a charity event benefitting "AIDS research or St. Jude or, I dunno, some damned shit" according to Sparky Reardon, the University's Dean of Students. "Whatever, so long as they raise a few thousand bucks by making horny freshman guys jump around in a pool, and nobody gets hurt, I'm fine with that," said Reardon. "Hey, you're not quoting me on any of this hullabaloo, are you?"

Rebel Basketball players were seen wide-eyed at the announcement of the end of the colleseum as it housed their home court. To them the news came as a complete surprise. This is especially true for the Ole Miss Rebel women's basketball team, who saw the rennovations take place during their February 24th game against the University of Tennessee's Lady Volunteers.

"You'd hope that Pete [Boone] would have, I dunno, given me a fucking phone call or something," said a visibly perturbed Renee Ladner, the head coach of the Lady Rebs. "I mean, shit, we're out there trying our damndest keep Pat Summit from embarrassing us and then it all goes to hell. The roof starts wobbling, water starts blowing everywhere, and then they call the game off and send us home."

When approached for comment, Trevor Gaskins, a guard on the Ole Miss Rebel Men's basketball team, asked "so are we on a water polo team now?" As of press time, Gaskins was passing a petition to save the original Tad Pad to another player, only to have it subsequently intercepted by an opposing defender.