clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

2011 New Year's Resolutions!

Some folks wanna quit smoking. Some folks want to stop being fat and gross. Some folks want to get out of prison. Whatever goals you're trying to reach, nothing says "I'm kinda-sorta committed to the idea of this happening, I guess" than making a New Year's resolution out of it. After the jump, see who is resolving to do what in hopes that 2011 is a year of success, betterment, and rain makage.

Rebel Black Bear - Shit in the woods. 

Mike Bianco - Lose ten pounds (We'll keep making this same terrible joke until he gets us to Omaha)

Houston Nutt - Change last name to something that doesn't reference genitalia because, dag-nabit, those fellas on Hogville are clever at making scrotum jokes.

Pat Patterson - Only miss out on one life-changing opportunity this year.

Steve Spurrier - Reduce handicap to 4, buying another SUV, wear Cole Haan's and Southern Proper and laugh at TFM more often. Hate Steven Garcia less. 

Andy Kennedy - Switch to JnCo's instead of Lee Pipes shorts.

Pete Boone - Splurge from time to time on the Ole Miss budget to reward success. Tennis team, get ready for some BRAND NEW TENNIS BALLS! You're welcome!

Dan Jones - Chop down all the trees in the Grove, replacing them with statues of General Sherman, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Karl Marx, and Barack Obama.

Dan Mullen - Improve posture.

Chicken-on-a-Stick - Begin offering low-carb, vegan, and gluten-free options for our customers.

Oxford's Oldest and Most Pushy Southern Baptist-y Aldermen - Retire/die

Renardo Sidney - Play more than two games consecutively.

Eli Manning - Leave the New York Giants. I win 10 games for this listless bunch of scrubs and underachievers and we can't even make the playoffs? This is bullshit.

Happy New Year, y'all. Any resolutions of your own you'd like to share? Any snarky-ass resolutions of other people you'd like to share? Then do it.