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This Week in Twitter: Gross Stuff Said By (Fake) Ryan Mallett!

I missed this last week and, for that, I apologize profusely. I hope this installment of This Week In Twitter can somehow make up for that. And that will be all for the introduction, this go around. Y'all know how this works.

The Friends of the Cup over at Friends of the Program recently retweeted this from Bruce Feldman

@OleForty ! RT @BFeldmanESPN: The top 10 list of players college football fans should be following this year. about 23 hours ago via web Retweeted by 3 people

So congratulations, Kentrell Lockett, the Feldman-proclaimed "King of Twitter." Your witticisms and observations are literally surpassed by no other tweeting college football player and that is truly something of which to be proud. And, in this week during which Kentrell had haughty praise thrust upon his tweeting by the world wide leader, he hardly disappointed.

This dude in here got a 3 story forehead....
11:34 PM Aug 23rd via Echofon

I'm pretty sure that guy taught my Latin American Studies course.

I swear dudes that are 6'11" don't look right in the club or at parties....
11:22 PM Aug 23rd via Echofon

Well, Kentrell, Terrell Brown doesn't exactly feel right in the club or at parties. It's y'all's fault for inviting him places just to prove to your friends that he's real.

#manlaw fanny packs.... Just why....
10:17 AM Aug 25th via Echofon

What? Come on, how else can you keep your cash, your credit cards, pictures of your mother, some bug spray, a pen, your keys, your Zune, your EpiPen, and eyedrops in one easy to carry, ass-hugging accessory? Riddle me that, OleForty?

@WDorsey_7 a big kid eating fruit jammers and apple sauce cups...
11:12 PM Aug 21st via Echofon

Calling out your fellow defensive end, your fellow Landshark, on Twitter is only acceptable if you are, in fact, OleForty. And, for the record Kentrell, go ahead and admit that you love fruit jammers and apple sauce cups. We all do.

Speaking of the other end of the defensive line, Wayne Dorsey, what exactly have you been up to as of late?

Ready run to walmart real quick...wish i could buy 8 hrs of sleep
11:02 PM Aug 20th via web

You can. It's called Ambien, Nyquil, and Benadryl. And I'm not exactly advocating you taking them all at once, but I'm not looking to stop you either.

Caught like 20 fish today....soon as i figure out how to work this phone ima post a couple pics lol
8:54 PM Aug 23rd via web

Bullshit. Fish are like women and gambling winnings; everybody's a champion when they get them, but "unlucky" when they don't. And they're always the subject of hyperbole. The rule is simple, everyone: "pictures, or it didn't happen."

Back to Kentrell:

Y'all give my boy @BigRee75 a follow he's the only o-lineman that thinks he's a landshark......
12:31 PM Aug 22nd via Echofon

I saw this, and I did follow Rishaw Johnson. Here's what I got.

About to go to practice I gotta be great today 1st game in ten days. Gotta get this money. #grindaholic
2:48 PM Aug 24th via mobile web

Errr... Rishaw, let's not so much mention "getting this money" on your Tweet machine, seeing as how you're an "amateur" athlete competing in a highly scrutinized sport and all.

So much for real life, now on to fake accounts, where the snark is provided in the tweets! Rebel Masoli has, sadly, hit a bit of a slump as of late, but this one brought a heavy guffaw out of my gut if only for the casual kidnapping joke.

If I get drafted by the Jets the first thing I am going to steal is one of Antonio Cromartie's kids.
2:39 PM Aug 20th via Twitter for iPhone

And now I'm just gonna let Summer of Mallett play you out.

Bobby P sat me down and told me to stop all the philandering. Dont know what he's talking about, #15 hasn't given a penny to charity all year
about 6 hours ago via web

Just got a DM from Holly Rowe. She wants to poor Hollandaise sauce on the family arm and pretend it's asparagus.
9:46 PM Aug 18th via web

Good Heavens that's vile....

Been drinking a lot of pickle juice tonight, not so much to fight the dehydration at practice,but more so because skanks like it dill flavored
10:58 PM Aug 24th via web Retweeted by 1 person

Yeah, they get worse. Or, better I suppose. It depends on perspective and how much you like kosher dill. So follow SummerofMallett if you're aren't with the times or too grouchy and haughty to find such humor deplorable.