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"A Solid 'D'" or "How I Could Use the Bar Examination to Help SEC Coaches"

After completing (we'll go back and add the appropriate adverb into this post after we get our results back on September 16) the Bar Exam this week, I am back with a fury for blogging.  But, what with all this law floating around in my head, it is kind of hard to get back in a frame of mind where I amateurishly critique the athletes, trainers, and coaches that entertain me with their faults and foibles (oh, yeah, there are also games sometimes).

Studying for the bar, though, almost left me huddled in the corner in the fetal position in cold sweats needing to get my fix of Ole Miss opinery (some people's drug is ... well, drugs; mine is amateur punditry).  Consequently, I spent a great deal of the last few days in a huge conference room at the Marriott in lovely downtown Jackson daydreaming about how I could write rules like the ones I was learning that could really have helped some SEC personalities out of a jam.  The Bobby Petrino contract recission joke that I could not resist (and more!) is after the jump.

The Client:  The Big 10

The Problem: Keeps losing bowl games.

The Legal Fix:  Unconscionability.

The Court will not enforce contracts the terms of which are grossly unfair when that unfairness was achieved because one party was in a substantially better bargaining position.  This is exactly the principle that the Big Ten can, hopefully, us to get out of its new tie-in pitting one of its team against an SEC team in Florida.  History has proven that where these factors are present, the Big Ten almost never gets the benefits of the bargain.


The Client:  Kentrell Lockett

The Problem:  OleForty had his genuis Twitter account silenced to the public.

The Legal Fix:  Strict Scrutiny for Prior Restraints on Expression

As a public university, Ole Miss is a state (and not private) actor.  Under the First Amendment, prior restraints on expression have to be narrowly tailored to achieve a compelling government interest.  In other words, you can't just shut OleForty down 'cuz he called them Pouncey twins gay.  Kentrell is a national treasure, and when they shut him down, they shut down a little bit of all our liberty.


The Client:  Les Miles

The Problem:  Keeps making LSU worse at football; literally, cannot stop himself.

The Legal Fix:  The Castle Doctrine

Les is in a tricky situation.  When you've let things go as far as he has, even the law can't save him.  However, he could use the Castle Doctrine (which presumes that lethal force is reasonable when someone is trying to break into your house) in an innovative way.  Colloquially, Tiger Stadium is his house.  Maybe shooting a real gun at his opponents is the only way left to mitigate his short-comings.


The Client:  Vince Dooley

The Problem:  Rocky relationship with his wife

The Legal Fix:  A suit for loss of consortium.

You may have heard that Barbara Dooley has been running around wearing orange a lot because she loves her son more than the University of Georgia.  How dare she.  Despite what Vince has told the public, I have my doubts that her new-found fashion choices (apparently she's taken to attending Vol-umni meetings wearing an orange boa) have had a positive impact on her relationship with her husband, the Bulldog legend.  What better fix, then, than a suit loss of consortium suit against the responsible party ... his son, Derek.  Nothing heals the hurt those beautiful words, "We find the defendant liable for the sum of ...."


The Client:  Jeremiah Masoli

The Problem:  A history of struggles with the law.

The Legal Fix:  Uhh ....

... actually, I'm might need a retainer before I take on this case.


The Client:  All SEC fans.

The Problem:  Robbie Caldwell might not be retained as head coach of Vanderbilt forever.

The Legal Fix:  Life Estate in the podium as SEC Media Days.

Mike Slive needs to act now to make sure that Vanderbilt does not trade away our interest in Robbie Caldwell for some up-and-coming FCS coach that might get the Commodores to a bowl game every few years but will be boring like Bobby Johnson.  Our entertainment should be important to the commissioner, so her should execute a life estate to Caldwell for the use and possession of the podium at SEC media days.  And if Caldwell lets other coaches with substantial things to say about their football team use the podium, that will be okay.  But if he just talks for three days about how to romance a butterball, that'd be adequate consideration, too.