And by "jerk", I mean "asshole". SBNation won't allow cursing in the headlines, but worry not, vulgar Cup fans as these rankings will from here on out be referred to by their proper name. The RCR SEC Coaching Asshole Power Rankings (RCRSECCAPR) are an entirely scientific method of determining which head coaches of the Southeastern Conference's football programs are, scientifically (remember?), the biggest assholes.
What will such rankings matter? What would one be able to discern as to the abilities of these twelve gentlemen and, vicariously, the successes or failures of their teams, from these rankings? What sort of effect would such qualification have on these coaches as people with personal, private lives, families, and friends?
Uh, nothing, but you knew that. The only real importance here is shit-talkin and filling up time between now and football season so let's all lighten up, enjoy the weather, quell our off-season anxieties, and have some fun (kinda) talking a little football
So for starters, what is an asshole?
With Apologies to Kurt Vonnegut. Sleep now, sweet prince.
That, or "a stupid, incompetent, or detestable person" per our good friends Merriam and Webster. So, yeah, it is one of those things that is both quite easy to define and not very easily defined. English is fun like that. And, considering this, let's just pull a Justice Potter Stewart and say "we'll know 'asshole' when we see 'asshole'."
"Wait, Ghost, that's not scientific."
Shutup. Don't ruin this for everybody, you downer. This is science, something in which I routinely dabble with little understanding of my undertakings and I do it for fun and, if I'm trying to prove a point, I'm calling it scientific because that's how you scare the stupids away. You'd think you'd all have learned this by now.
Okay, now that I've waded through that nonsense (my mind has been quite the wanderer as of late, as this parenthetical to remind you of such isn't prima facie evidence thereof), the following are the two criteria for these rankings: what have they done over their career and what have they done during this off-season, weighed kinda 50:50 in the back of my mind. It's simple, it's fun, and it should hopefully give us more to do during the coming months. So let's begin:
- Urban Meyer- I like Urb. I think he's a great coach. But nobody can deny that this guy is an asshole. For the past four years, he has shown the SEC what the Moutain West and MAC already knew: Urban Meyer doesn't care about you. He points and stares ominously. He screams. He doesn't glad-hand or, really show the emotion in the way that Derek Dooley, Houston Nutt, or Mark Richt would. He takes revenge and serves said dish scalding hot because, guess what, he doesn't care how you or anyone else thinks it's "best served." So there's that. And then there's what he's done over the past few months. First of all, he puts the entire college football world in a frenzy with his "I'm retiring, now I'm not, now I'm still not coaching but I'm definitely not retiring and don't know when I'm going to come back" hoopla. And then, just a few weeks ago, he roasts a reporter for probing a bit too deep into the goings on of Florida football. Honestly, I admire the man's brazen attitude and unforgiving behavior--I wish I could get away with such--but there's no denying that this guy is the top of the asshole heap.
- Bobby Petrino- Uh, duh. Arkansas fans think this ranking is bullshit. The only reason he isn't number one is because he hasn't done anything particularly shitty over the past year or so. But, make no mistake, his flip-floppery and philandering has earned this spot and it is going to take a lot of work for him to drop town very far.
- Dan Mullen- A protege of Urban Meyer, Dan Mullen is an asshole, albeit in an unseasoned, amateurish way. His history with asshole behavior is quite limited simply because his history in coaching is quite limited. But, ever since the very first day Dan Mullen became the head coach of Mississippi State, the anti-Ole Miss chorus has continued loudly and incessantly. He seemingly never ceases to call Ole Miss on something, no matter how minuscule. Granted, he's pandering to an audience--an audience of assholes, no less--but that doesn't make him anything less than a bit of a publicity whore. Hey, speaking of publicity and whores...
- Houston Nutt - Arkansas fans also think this ranking is bullshit. And, yes, it may seem a bit high, but he is only above some other notable assholes because he has, very recently, retaliated to Dan Mullen's incessant TSUNami of shit talking. During a recent Rebel Club meeting in Greenwood, Nutt said that "even Mississippi State, who don't go to a bowl, they got a share of (SEC revenues)." He knows that now that, with a coaching rival who is a mad, albeit terribly uncreative and goofy, feather-ruffler sharing the same state with him, he is going to step up his "being a dick to State" game.
- Steve Spurrier- While fairly well behaved as of late, Steve Spurrier is the undeniable coaching asshole lifetime achievement award recipient. Unfortunately for his asshole rank, much of his general unpleasantries took place about fifteen years ago. "Free Shoes University" and "you can't spell 'Citrus' without 'UT' " seem like ancient history when compared to the modern-day "oh shit, why won't this team win football games /facepalmwithvisor" version of the Ol' Ball Coach.
- Gene Chizik- Gene Chizik clocks in at number six. Though he may be more interested at getting intohis own players' assholes, he's also sort of a dick [ED: The double entendruendos are overwhelming]. I don't have any quotes or really any happenings to back this claim up. I honestly just wanted an excuse to reiterate that according to Chizik's players, he gets in their behinds. Lulz.
- Nick Saban - While he probably is actually an asshole, a lot of his ranking comes from the fact that he approaches coaching with a sort of cold, professional air about him. He's better than you, and he knows it. Hell, YOU know it. He's the type of asshole who doesn't really have to do assholey things for you to hate him. He just gets his team to rape you and then acts like it was nothing. After any game, no matter what, based on Nick Saban's demeanor you would think Alabama had just beaten ULM or somebody of that stature (subtlejab'd).
- Les Miles- His last real act of asshole-dom was his "Have a great day" rant during a press conference in which someone asked him about his then-potential employment in Ann Arbor. Ever since he really hasn't been much of an asshole but, rather, an idiot.
- Mark Richt- What?! Mark Richt at nine?! First of all, look who is below. Second of all, dancing in the endzone, running a pretty loose ship, and living in Athens all cause him to at least come of as a bit of an asshole, even if he does things like adopt disabled Ukranian children.
VinceDerek (How did that happen?) Dooley- He's a nice, dapper, respectable son of a father who also easily qualifies as such. The grime left in his office from the biggest dipshit in college coaching and his burly sidekick though, that's not washing off anytime soon.
- Joker Phillips- Where else can you put the guy? And is that really his name? Does it say "Joker" on his birth certificate? When he introduces himself to people, does he have to say "no, really, my name is 'Joker' for realizies"?
- Bobby Johnson - HEY HE LOOKS LIKE STEVE MARTIN, EVERYBODY! Actually, come to think of it, Steve Martin did star in "The Jerk." Should that count here in some bizarre, vicarious way, or am I right to keep Vandy's skipper at the bottom of the asshole pecking order?
Agree? Disagree? Great, just don't take it too seriously. How often will this impeccable ranking system be updated? Eh, sporadically, I suppose. Just be on the lookout post press-conference blowups, passive-aggressive interviews, and snide rivalrous comments.