[ED: Written by a committee consisting of Juco, IT, Ghost, WW, and OMTB. Feel free to submit your own. This should be fun. And, yeah, we're once again breaking our self-imposed moratorium on mascot talk. We don't care. Whatever. Oh, and y'all know how "satire" works, right? Alright then, no bitching.]
Upon the heels of students voting to have a voice in determining which on-field mascot would replace the departed Colonel Reb, the University of Mississippi decided to let said students apply to become a part of the what is being called the "Student Mascot Committee." Tuesday, the University released the applications for said committee and by Wednesday evening, completed forms began to fill the Associated Student Body offices.
While those receiving applications obtained a large number of high-caliber applications, we here at the Cup have managed to (snarkily) get our hands on some of those that have already been rejected.
Here's the application (HT: David. for being a damned trooper). Click after the link for more.
OLE MISS STUDENT MASCOT COMMITTEE APPLICATION
Name: Bria I mean... Ryan Nerguson. Yes, that's it, Ryan Nerguson.
Age: I mean, I'm still a student at heart which is all that matters
Phone Number: [REDACTED]
E-mail Address: BRINGHIMBACK@SaveOleMiss.com
Major: Undecided
Classification: Senior++
Hometown: Dixie
What are your weekly commitments (class and regular meetings)?
I work at Campus Bookmart. I go to the gym about three times a week or so. I also go to First Baptist on Easters.
Would you be available to regularly meet during the summer? Yes/No
Hell yes.
Please answer each of the following questions in 250 words or less. Typed answers on a separate sheet are recommended.
1. Please describe the Ole Miss/University of Mississippi culture in FIVE words.
The University is respected, but Ole Miss is loved. The University gives a diploma and regretfully terminates tenure, but one never graduates from Ole Miss
2. How can the future Ole Miss mascot contribute to school spirit and culture (that you described above)?
What a dumb question. Without a mascot our culture is destroyed! Do you not get this?!
3. How do you view tradition, and what role should it play in developing a new mascot?
We're nobody without our Rebel traditions! I mean, these are big time traditions! Like Christmas Trees and New Years Eve and the Internet!
4. Do you consider your typical role in a group as more of a leader or as part of the team? Why?
Definitely a leader. Let's just say that I belong to a certain secret society. I don't believe I gotta mention its name, you know?
5. Please describe any views or opinions you presently hold concerning the mascot or the mascot development process.
BRING BACK COLONEL REB... if possible. I mean, I'm willing to compromise here and junk, right? Is that what I'm supposed to say?
6. Please describe any personal attributes or qualities that you believe would contribute to the success of the committee.
Age, guile, stubbornness, experience, dashing good looks, a razor-sharp wit
***
OLE MISS STUDENT MASCOT COMMITTEE APPLICATION
Name: Ivory Tower
Age: 25
Phone Number: [REDACTED]
E-mail Address: [REDACTED]
Major: LIBERAL Arts with a minor in Obama
Classification: White, regrettably.
Hometown: San Francisco, spiritually.
What are your weekly commitments (class and regular meetings)?
Every Tuesday night I lead a discussion group at old Jubilee to talk about atheism and how Dan Jones and the William Winter Institute are dragging their feet.
Would you be available to regularly meet during the summer? Yes/No
Yes. But never during my afternoon spiritual reflection/nature-tuning.
Please answer each of the following questions in 250 words or less. Typed answers on a separate sheet are recommended.
1. Please describe the Ole Miss/University of Mississippi culture in five words.
New Name: Ole Qaeda
2. How can the future Ole Miss mascot contribute to school spirit and culture (that you described above)?
The new mascot must reflect a turn from the white paternalistic society that has existed since Jesus. It must reflect the down-trodden minority and the oppressed. Consequently, it must be brown. Also, I suggest that it be changed every five years, so that we can honor different groups suffering under white oppression every few years. I suggest the first mascot term be occupied by a tree, to remind all the white tyrants of the insensitive way they gawk at and abuse the trees by using their shade without first obtaining consent.
3. How do you view tradition, and what role should it play in developing a new mascot?
Tradition is a construct of the white power majority. It is an attempt to bind the white social structure together emotionally, so that its lower class members will be distracted from their oppression of other cultures/racial groups. Tradition is outdated and evil. We must destroy it. Hence, my suggestion of developing a new mascot every five years. Maybe every two years.
4. Do you consider your typical role in a group as more of a leader or as part of the team? Why?
As a white man, it would be oppressive and racist for me to lead the group. I am a follower. Like sheep. But black sheep.
5. Please describe any views or opinions you presently hold concerning the mascot or the mascot development process
Dan Jones secretly leads the Ku Kux Klan.
6. Please describe any personal attributes or qualities that you believe would contribute to the success of the committee.
White guilt.
***
OLE MISS STUDENT MASCOT COMMITTEE APPLICATION
Name: Johnny McAtlanta
Age: 19 (but it's cool because I've got friends who are 21 dude)
Phone Number: (404) SIXTY NINE!
E-mail Address: AtlEp@aol.com
Major: Bangin' chicks
Classification: Freshman by hours, Sophomore by years LOL
Hometown: Hotlanta, bitches
What are your weekly commitments (class and regular meetings)?
Screw class! I'm here for the bitches! On Monday, I have chapter meetings! On Tuesday, ladies night at Funky's! On Wednesday, penny pitchers! Thursday through Sunday is the weekend!
Would you be available to regularly meet during the summer? Yes/No
Only after 4 PM and before 5 PM!
Please answer each of the following questions in 250 words or less. Typed answers on a separate sheet are recommended.
1. Please describe the Ole Miss/University of Mississippi culture in five words.
THE SOUTH WILL RISE AGAIN!
2. How can the future Ole Miss mascot contribute to school spirit and culture (that you described above)?
Dude, he could yell TSWRA and shit!
3. How do you view tradition, and what role should it play in developing a new mascot?
Traditions are there for a reason! We have to show our Mississippi pride!
4. Do you consider your typical role in a group as more of a leader or as part of the team? Why?
I was the t-shirt chairman last semester! It was really creative! We had shirts that looked like beer labels, whiskey labels, and even one that looked like it was a poster from The Hangover!
5. Please describe any views or opinions you presently hold concerning the mascot or the mascot development process.
I don't really know! Just something to represent our great state!
6. Please describe any personal attributes or qualities that you believe would contribute to the success of the committee.
Not being a faggot! Sexual appetite!
***
OLE MISS STUDENT MASCOT COMMITTEE APPLICATION
Name: Gerald Pow
Age: 25? 26?
Phone Number: 601-CAT-FISH
E-mail Address: MARSHMELLOWS@hotmail.com
Major: International Studies with an emphasis on the geopolitical economics and migration patterns and effects on southeast Asia and Micronesia [Ed: That's a really long title for a major]
Classification: JR
Hometown: WAYNESBORO YOU HONKEY
What are your weekly commitments (class and regular meetings)?
Practice, video sessions, throwing dump trucks at a local landfill, avoiding Terry Price.
Would you be available to regularly meet during the summer? Yes/No
Yes.
Please answer each of the following questions in 250 words or less. Typed answers on a separate sheet are recommended.
1. Please describe the Ole Miss/University of Mississippi culture in five words.
WHITE PPL ERRYWHERE HELP ME
2. How can the future Ole Miss mascot contribute to school spirit and culture (that you described above)?
MAKE ME MASCOT I SEE HOTTY TODDY MAN I TACKLE HIM, PROLLY KILL HIM, HILARIOUS. I would then imagine that the ensuing hilarity will boost morale at sporting events until my unfortunate departure. It is at that time during which I would hope for another "mascot" of sorts to place in my stead.
3. How do you view tradition, and what role should it play in developing a new mascot?
Traditionally, Ole Miss fans really love people like me, so I think I'm a prototypical mascot. I BIGGER THAN SHIT TOO ACT LIKE YOU KNOW
4. Do you consider your typical role in a group as more of a leader or as part of the team? Why?
I'M PART OF A TEAM OF LANDSHARKS! FINS UP YOU STUPIDASSES!
5. Please describe any views or opinions you presently hold concerning the mascot or the mascot development process.
I just don't understand it. Why would a black guy go to a Save Colonel Reb Foundation rave? Or any rave for that matter.
6. Please describe any personal attributes or qualities that you believe would contribute to the success of the committee.
I WILL SCARE MUHFUKKAS INTO SUBMISSION DON'T LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU
***
OLE MISS STUDENT MASCOT COMMITTEE APPLICATION
Name:Henry Grossenbacher III, esq.
Age:101001010110011 years. Yeah, I know binary.
Phone Number: what, so you can track my location via satellite? Nice try, Ole Miss!
E-mail Address: SmarterThanU@StAndrewsEpiscopalSchool.edu (sorry, their webmail is way better)
Major:18th Century Engineering, with minors in Arabic and Gender Studies
Classification: are we counting the 2.5 years I've studied abroad?
Hometown: THE WORLD
What are your weekly commitments (class and regular meetings)?
I'm on the DM editorial board, I chair 3 honor societies, and I'm way into intramural quiddich. I've attached an excel spreadsheet detailing my availability over the next 6 months. It's linked to my blackberry, updated automatically on your computer as my schedule adapts.
Would you be available to regularly meet during the summer? Yes/No
I could get a sat. feed from Prague, sure.
Please answer each of the following questions in 250 words or less. Typed answers on a separate sheet are recommended.
1. Please describe the Ole Miss/University of Mississippi culture in five words.
Ackbar. IT'S NOT A TRAP! (I thought that was funny and ironic way before other people did. Now that people have started picking it up, I've started cooling off a little bit.)
2. How can the future Ole Miss mascot contribute to school spirit and culture (that you described above)?
Having Ackber as a mascot would be really, really funny, and everyone around the world would respect us for keeping it nerdy and ironic and hip, you dig? You see, it's an internet meme. It's from the Internet. INTERNET! In fact, we've organized a benefit rave at the Lyric to support him as a mascot. AIRSHIPS DUDE!
3. How do you view tradition, and what role should it play in developing a new mascot?
Traditions are only important when I like them. Otherwise, screw 'em.
4. Do you consider your typical role in a group as more of a leader or as part of the team? Why?
I'm not some bitch-ass sheep, I ain't a part of your system. On the other hand, I'm not one for hegemonies so put me somewhere in between.
5. Please describe any views or opinions you presently hold concerning the mascot or the mascot development process.
Normally, I'd never just come right out and say this, but I want to keep it ironic because I'm a white suburbanite who lives some Euro-centric bohemian lifestyle. That's irony, dude. Oh and I want to make a shit-load of money off of it which is double-irony.
6. Please describe any personal attributes or qualities that you believe would contribute to the success of the committee.
Most people just don't "get it." I do.