[ED: ColRebsLastBreath, you're great. Thanks for the research-laden fanpost. Yes, it does make me feel a bit better about the Rader hire, but I'm still not thrilled. Having that been said, I started writing this before you published that so, everyone, just assume we're all still collectively very dissatisfied and laugh a little. Thanks.]
Recently, yours truly was afforded a fantastic and rare opportunity to (not at all) sit down with Ole Miss Rebel head football coach Houston Nutt! Being as how he had recently announced the hiring of Dave Rader to co-offensive coordinator and quarterbacks coach, most of our (completely fictional) conversation (which never happened) focused on the hiring process. Enjoy.
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The Ghost of Jay Cutler: Coach Nutt, I'm thrilled to be here. Thank you for taking the time to chat with me.
Coach Houston Nutt: Well, heh, yep, alright? Hey, what's goin' on young man?!
GoJC: (uneasily) Alright, whatever. Say, how excited are you about this Dave Rader guy?
CHN: Rader! Raider! Radar! It's a great name and a great hire for me, for you, for us. For that helmet and definitely for that wood. Proven quarterback developer with a real knack for the game baby. Yes.
GoJC: I guess we'll get to see soon enough, right coach?
CHN: (Points directly into GoJC's eyes, nods furiously, squints)... Yessssss.
GoJC: Alright... Hmm. Ok, let's move on... I'm sorry it's just, you're kinda throwing me off here.
CHN: (Still pointing and nodding) Football player...
GoJC: Coach, who else did you go after? Who else did you consider? Please answer me and stop doing that thing with your eyes.
CHN: Well, first we really thought long and hard about David Lee.
CHN: Just look at him there. Always playin' tic-tac-toe! Yes you've gotta love that heart. Competitive heart. Coaches with both zippers zipped all the way up I tell ya. Hell of a friend too.
GoJC: Well, why couldn't we get him? He's worked on all levels of the game and has tons of experience coaching collegiately; to boot, he's a friend of yours.
CHN: Loves his gig(gity) in Miami baby. You know, hard bodies and marching powder can keep anybody down there.
GoJC: I can see that. If he really loves coaching professionally, I would imagine it would be tough to get him back into the college ranks. (peruses notes) Ah, well one guy I was really thinking we should have pursued was former Louisville Head Coach Steve (AGRO)Kragthorpe. Sure, he's not a great head coach but he did prove that, if he's got talent around him, his offenses will put up some excellent numbers. Heck, I had convinced myself that we had him in the bag! What happened there, coach?
CHN: Well, we've got a few problems there. Loves calling plays. Just in my ears with "trips-one-thirty Berlin tango on two" and "ace-tight mesh out double-Texas on one" and that's just gawt danged annoying! Also, too much money. Not enough cash. Ol' Pete don't trust me with money ever since the helicopter incident.
GoJC: Wait, what helicopter incid-
CHN: Forget that. I never said that. Helicopter? What does that word even mean, am I right?! Let me tell you about another guy we were really looking at.
CHN: Man, gotta love that helmet in particular. Gotta love Al Davis. He's old school. Man loves football players, loves speed, loves Darren McFadden. He's got a real eye for talent, knows where to get the young men. (crosses arms, wiggles fingers) Great character. Tons of it. Oozing with it. Heart. Al Davis baby. Remember, he's the man who gave Lane Kiffin his start and now look at the guy! Whoo diggity head man at USC, that's big time!
GoJC: You didn't really consider Al Davis to be your OC, did you? C'mon, quit the joking. Who else were you after?
CHN: But, I gotta be honest with ya (squints, leans in, purses lips, whispers), you know that rule about interviewing a minority candidate? Yeah, well, heh, Count Chocula!
GoJC: God damn you. Count Chocula isn't even real. This is stup-
CHN: Ducati! Faaaast! Kids love him! Not a really good, proven track record though. Too hooked on futbol, and not real SEC football with chinstraps and helmets and wood.
GoJC: Do you expect me to honestly believe that you considered hiring an Italian motorcycle to be your offensive coordinator? Where's the damn door out of this place. I'm done. Have fun with Rad-
CHN: Jar of Mayo! Great on everything, even salads if you're old and weird! French fries! Ham! Great with ham!
GoJC: Bye.
Fin