The Big Ten, an unusually smug conference for a group of people who apparently can't count beyond the numbers of digits affixed to their hands, released a series of new postseason awards for its football teams and players as well as a finalized look at what the two newest divisions of the conference will be named. Those divisions: the "Legends Division" and the "Leaders Division." Screw using simple divisions involving things like geography because the Big Ten gets abstract and stuff, y'all.
So, once the Big Ten got the arduous task of naming a collection of collegiate athletics programs out of the way, they came up with numerous new awards to be given out to coaches and players which, honestly, I can't hate. I actually really like what they've done with this. For example, the new Hayes-Shembechler Trophy, named for Ohio State's Woody "I'mma punch a baby" Hayes and Michigan's Bo Schembechler, will be given to the conference's coach of the year; the Griese-Brees trophy will go to the quarterback of the year; the Dayne-AnotherfatblackguywhoplayedatWisconsin trophy will go to the halfback of the year; et cetera. Conceptually, all of this is pretty neat and an excellent homage to the tradition of this conference's football during this, the beginnings of it's new, Nebraska-havin manifestation. [ED: This is, so far, the most nonsensical couple of paragraphs I have ever written. I hate December workdays.]
But we aren't just gonna let this slip by so easily.
This new news, plus my excessive boredom and appreciation for self deprecation, led me to whip out the #newSECdivisions Twitter hashtag which, to my enjoyment, was used and abused by many. Click the jump - because that's what we always make you do - to see the newest SEC division names many of y'all came up with, as well as a few fantastic new Southeastern Conference trophies which pay homage to many of our conference's legendary figures.
- @Suss2hyphens - Agents and Boosters divisions
- @PaulArnow - Cracker Barrell and Waffle House divisions
- @ParrotRebA1A - Natty Light and Easy Women divisions
- @chazreb - Got Croomed and Not Croomed divisions
- @JortsTorture - Coke and Pepsi divisions, but all twelve members are in the Coke division
- @RedCupRebellion (yes, we're repping ourselves here) - Catfish and Hot Sauce divisions; RC Cola and Moon Pies divisions; Football Schools and Vanderbilt divisions
- @GeauxDucks - Biscuits and Gravy divisions
- @RJulliette2 - Gravy and Ranch divisions
- @Harveyisreal - Collards and Greens divisions
- @OneManToBeat - Poverty and Crippling Poverty divisions
Clever enough? Try these trophies out then, and tell me the pageantry and passion of SEC football doesn't just cause your heart to swell:
- The Newton-Means Trophy for the athlete most likely to have his school wind up on probation.
- The Powe-Smith-Cody Trophy for male breasts and marshmallow consumption.
- The McCluster-Holliday Trophy for fast lil' bastardhood.
- The Sherrill-DuBose Trophy for coaching philosophy and general program guidance.
- The Meyer-Saban-Petrino Trophy for being an asshole in public.
- The Perrilloux-Garcia-Mallett-Stabler Trophy for getting ripped out of your mind like every other night.
- The Russell-Lorenzen Trophy for successful fat quarterbacking.
- The Manning-Manning-Manning Trophy for being the SEC athlete most vicariously lived through by Southern suburbanites.
Yes, this is how we spend our Monday afternoons. Deal with it.
And you know you've got your own clever little addditions so, go on, submit 'em in the comments thread.