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The New Adventures of RECROOTIN' DALE!


This is the story of a football "coach."  Crazy even before he was harassed and dismissed by the school he loved, Houston Nutt left Fayetteville for the red, blue, and greener pastures of Oxford.  Little did he know that in those very pastures where his horses roamed in the rolling hills of North Central Mississippi, he would come across the irradiated National Letter of Intent of Brandon Bolden, turning mild-mannered Houston Nutt into RECROOTIN' DALE!  Where do we find our hero today?  Find out after the jump.

Oxford, Miss. - RECROOTIN' DALE! and assistant Kent Austin are hunched over a lap top.  RD! paces in a semicircle around Austin and the laptop.  He points at a lamp, nods his head violently, and tells the lamp that it is "a winner."  Austin watches video of [RECRUIT REDACTED PER NCAA REGULATIONS].  The young man in the video is athletic, tall, and black.  The video shows him running in-game, complete with helmet, pads, and dual-colored uniform.

RD!:  That boy's a football player!

AUSTIN:  I'm not sure that's the most helpful observation, Coach, but, just for the record, I agree.  I'm more interested in how you think he handles the ball.  There's no way he has the arm strength to play quarterback for us, but look at those hands.

RD!:  I can't see his hands.  His hands are too fast.  Those have got to be like cyborg-cheetah hands of some kind.  And, if they're not, can we pay for that boy to have cyborg-cheetah hand implants?  Those are fast hands, but they're going to need to be cyborg-cheetah fast.

AUSTIN:  We'll put that on the "maybe" list.

RD!:  I love that list!  All my best ideas are on that list.

AUSTIN:  Here's the problem.  Our scouting report says he really wants to play quarterback at the next level, but I don't see him jumping anyone on our depth chart at quarterback.  How do we get him to commit knowing that he won't play quarterback.  Whatever we do, we can't just shoot it straight with him.

RD!:  Okay ... okay ... Alright.  I say we shoot straight with him.

AUSTIN:  Houston, I just said that if we shoot straight with him, he won't commit.

RD!:  Dangit, Aust-dawg, I don't mean shoot straight at him.  I mean, shoot straight in connection with him.  Just focus with me and think "[RECRUIT REDACTED] will play wide receiver at Ole Miss."  Think it.  Think it.  THINK HARDER!  Believe it, Kent Chocolate Chip!  Believe it and [RECRUIT REDACTED] will call us.

AUSTIN:  Respectfully, coach.  This is bizarre.  Really awkward and bizarre.  Just very uncomfortably confusing.  And I lived in Canada for a long time.  Don't you remember "The Kids in the Hall?"  I know all about weird.

The phone rings, interrupting AUSTIN.  [RECRUIT REDACTED]'s momma's name appears on the caller I.D.

AUSTIN:  Seriously?

RD!:  You know how I spell "fun?"  M-A-G-I-C.  I'm like frosty the snowman with my magic hat, only my hat's made out of straw like Johnny Appleseed.  Hey!  Maybe I'm more like Johnny Appleseed.  Planting little seeds in those recruits.

AUSTIN:  That sounds very inappropriate.  I'm going to answer the phone, now.

RD!:  HA!  WHOO!  Crazy old "Canuck" Austin!

AUSTIN exchanges salutations followed by "uh-huh" and "okay" and "that sounds great."

RD!:  Tell me about that magic, Kenny-Kenny Quarterback.

AUSTIN:  He's a hard commit.  I ... I don't understand.

RD!:  Boss Austin, lemme tell you, folks have told me there's method to my madness.  And I don't understand what they mean by that because by "folk" I mean Klingons and Joan of Arc and I don't speak French.  And I don't allow people to use it in my house around my children, either.  Some people may think that's backward or kooky, but I've always been about "people before players," y'know.  "People before players."  And Klingons aren't people.  So, I'm not going to let them or Joan of Arc or anybody tell me how to recruit these young men.  Well, I might let Jimmy [Sexton] tell me, but that's his divine right, y'know?  Cat dog lamp tradition avocado football giggity Go Rebs, okay?  Got that?

AUSTIN:  ...

AUSTIN returns to his computer screen and begins writing code for break-through software that will design new and innovative plays with 87% success rates.  RD! is texting "hey this iz houston wanna chat?" to random numbers.

RD!:  Hey, Kentin Tarkentino, you heard anything about this Kiffin to USC rumor?  {under his breath}  I might need to call Jimmy.