OXFORD, MS (RCR) - In the wake of an increasing threat of exposure to the H1N1, or Swine Flu virus, Ole Miss officials announced Tuesday that Saturday’s much anticipated “Meet the Rebels Day” has been cancelled.
“After speaking with our team doctors and Coach Houston Nutt, we felt it was in the best interest of our football team to cancel this year’s ‘Meet the Rebels Day’ due to the oncoming Swine Flu threat,” said Ole Miss Athletics Director Pete Boone.
“While we may be overly cautious regarding this particular strain of Swine Flu, we must be ready to play Memphis in three weeks,” Rebel head coach Houston Nutt said. “We certainly regret not being able to interact with our fans due to Swine Flu.”
"I mean, that gawl-durned Swine Flu has made my life a living hell over the last couple of years, so anything to avoid it--the Swine Flu that is--should really be welcomed."
Upon being warned by their head coach, Rebel footballers had mixed reactions. Senior safety Kendrick Lewis proclaimed that "Swine Flu is a bunch of supid, bush-leagued bullshit" promoted by "a bunch of stupid Swine Flu infested morons with agendas."
Sophomore Tailback Brandon Bolden, the anticipated starter for this Fall's Rebel squad, had a different reaction, however.
"I mean, it's not like Swine Flu ever killed anybody. I ain't scared of no Swine Flu.** For real, I'll truck move Swine Flu's shit before jukin' it into the damned Twilight Zone if I have to." Bolden then added that he has no fear for "dat Swine Flu shit" before shoving a walkon linebacker into a wall on his way to rushing for an imaginary touchdown.
Junior Quarterback Jevan Snead, when asked about the Swine Flu scare, opined that the "concerns surrounding Swine Flu (were) mostly hype and shouldn't be worried about." His fellow upperclassmen agreed.
"Swine Flu is the price corporate America must pay for their continued abuse of those they perceive as being inferior to their cause," the enigmatic gr3gxxz said upon reluctantly being interviewed.
"SWINE FLU DON'T COME FROM NO BACON JERRELL GONE BE FINE," announced junior defensive tackle Jerrell Powe through a mouthful of marshmallows and fatback. "I STRONG AS HELL YOU SISSY ASS."
When considering the mixed reactions to all of the players concerning the Swine Flu scare, it becomes apparent just how cautious the Ole miss administration is being regarding this matter.
"Look, that sickness has made my career difficult. I mean, if it weren't for Swine Flu, I'd likely be at home in the Natural State. Don't get me wrong, I love it here, but still; there is no hiding from what Swine Flu has done to me."
The H1N1 virus, commonly referred to as the "Swine Flu," carries symptoms which almost perfectly mirror the traditional influenza virus, albeit significantly weaker. When informed of this fact, Nutt explained his misinterpretation.
"Oh, shit, I thought Swine Flu was whatever it was that, you know, made those crazy fucksticks file FOIA requests against my phone or whatever. HA! Yeah! Helmets!"
Despite the scare, the Rebels plan to finish their scheduled fall workouts in preparation for the season opener against the Memphis Tigers on September 6th.
Said senior wide receiver Dexter McCluster, "Seriously, I don't catch disease. Disease has to catch me. I don't care how much Swine Flu I have. We'll be ready."
**Seriously, click this one.