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The Cup Remembers: Whiskey Wednesday's Post-game Reports

Whiskey Wednesday, the drunkenly eloquent ying to Ivory Tower's soberingly wordy yang,  has garnered an interesting e-reputation while contributing to the Cup.  If you were to ask the most dedicated of Cup to describe Whiskey Wednesday they would likely say the following:

  • He hates you.
  • He thinks you're stupid.
  • He likes big words and fancy sentence structures.
  • He drinks early and often.

All of those assessments are, of course, true. 

Of the contributions he has made to the Cup, few are greater than his post-game reports.  Alternating among the bitterly hopeless, the complacently victorious, and skraight-up shit talkin', his reports have honestly, humorously, and oftentimes controversially assessed the performances of our Rebel football team.

Observe the following.

From the Cotton Bowl Post-game:

And the defense? Tech's defense was far worse than I could have hoped for. Assuming that Tech had an average SEC offense, and played in the SEC (so they wouldn't be helped by getting a lead early, time of possession, etc.), they would have had the worst defense in the conference. Bank on it. So no, you didn't play poorly, you just got beaten . . . Big XII fans are silly. Honestly, look at yourselves. Put away the hand signs, the hair gel, the silly outfits...Talk to most self-respecting SEC fans, and you’ll talk about the upcoming football contest, not about “How BAD UR teems gonna L00se, SUCKER, LOl.” Of course, there are fans all across the country that put far too much personal pride on the line when their team takes the field, but this crowd of Red Raiders seemed to take this game as something personal, and their collective psyche had a hard time considering that maybe their team wasn’t as awesome as they’d first thought . . . Dear ESPN: stop talking about the teams that look cool and have interesting, feel-good stories, and start talking about the teams that know how to play football.

From the LSU post-game:

Tiger Bait. Yes, we heard you the first forty-two times. Tiger Bait. You almost lost to Troy. Tiger Bait. Georgia hung 50 on you. Tiger Bait. So did Florida. Tiger Bait. You smell funny. Tiger Bait. You dress like a 10 year old. Tiger Bait... ENOUGH ALREADY. It was at this point that I made the rapid transition, in the estimation of my colleagues, from: the Affable Companion with the Likable Sense of Humor, Lovable Quirks, and a Heart of Gold to: the Fucking Drunk Asshole who is Going to Get our Asses Kicked. I don't remember with exact clarity all that I said or did, but suffice it to say that most of it was vulgar, loud, sometimes clever, more often mean-spirited, and within spittin' distance of many, many LSU fans.

From the Florida post-game:

The Rebels played inspired defense and mistake free (enough) offense and got to mock-chomp the Gators, dreadlocks victoriously blowing in the Southern breeze . . . And say all you want about the athleticism of guys like Knowshon Moreno and Percy Harvin: to me, the best SEC athletes are guys like Greg Hardy and Ricky Jean-Francois- guys that are just too damn big to be that damn fast.

But, the post-game reports of which we at the Cup are the fondest are his reports after the loss to Vanderbilt and the dissapointingly boring win over Samford.  It's not necessarily the writing or tone of the different reports that are so great (they're fine) but rather the ensuing comment-thread clusterfucks.  The Samford report caused the whole "fuck you Law School Red Cup guys" trend (only one of us is currently in Law School, by the way) and the Vanderbilt post--as with every post we made for a solid two months or so--brought the shround of the Ozarks upon our fair blog. 

The Samford thread became especially entertaining as Whiskey Wednesday and I made an evening out of mocking our "visitors."  From that thread comes what I feel is one of the best replies any e-Ole Miss fan has made to any e-Arkansas fan anywhere on this here arpanets.  Whiskey Wednesday, in response to some Hawg telling us to stop mocking someone's poor grammar because we're from Ole Miss (yes, because Arkansas is known for it's literature... right?) and "don't need no stinking grammar police around these parts," had this to say:

Here's the deal: we're hostile to you because you are uninvited assholes. We correct your grammar because we find you stupid and uninteresting. Saying that "we don't need no grammar police around these parts" is kind of annoying, because "these parts" are OUR FUCKING WEBSITE. If you come around "these parts" with your seventh grade education exposed, we will mock it.

Also, I think it is well established that we have an inseparable difference of opinion here. We think Nutt is the reason you won 3 West titles, recruited some Heisman calibre backs, beat #1 LSU last year, etc. You think he was the only thing keeping Arkansas from winning 10 straight national titles, and you also seem to blame him for everything from 9/11 to the continued existence of poverty in the third world.

Your opinions are loud, stale, and annoying. Go away, and don't come back until we play you in October.

Simple, to the point, and irrefutable; you've gotta love it.  Look through those threads for some other excellent comments from Arkansas fans including (but not limited to!) a claim that "with micky mouse as coach the last two years (Arkansas) would have won a couple BCS games and had a heisman trophy winner or two to boot," predictions that Jevan Snead would be driven to commit suicide by Houston Nutt's wackiness, and a guy bragging about Broadway plays which Arkansas supposedly plays host to...  Perhaps Fayetteville has a street named "Broad Way" which just so happens to have a theatre on it.

I hope you all enjoy these post-game reports as much as I do.  Happy Wednesday, friends.