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Cowboys Stadium: Features, Bells, Whistles, and Beer.

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Cowboys Stadium is the grandest, most extravagant stadium on this Earth. 

Realistically, such a description of the home of the upcoming Cotton Bowl could easily suffice, but I think it is only fair to at least explain why this stadium, this architectural triumph, this shrine to humanity's greatest sport, is as great as it is.... after el jump, naturally.

  • The stadium cost $1.15 billion, making it the most expensive of the NFL stadiums.
  • The capacity of this stadium for football-related purposes is just over 80,000 but can, with the help of standing room only tickets, hold 111,000 people.  That is roughly 170% of what Vaught-Hemingway can hold on any given occasion.  The record attendance was a 105,000 crowd which showed up to see the Cowboys take on the New York Giants during the stadium's football debut.
  • The largest "single-span roof structure" in the world hovers over the field and is supported by two gigantic, becomingly-iconic arches.  I haven't a slightest clue what a "single-span roof structure" is exactly, but I'm assuming it means "our roof is crazy huge and not held up by pylons 'n' shit."  If that weren't enough, the roof is retractable, preserving the tradition of the hole in the roof of the old Texas Stadium, a hole which allowed God to "watch his favorite team."
  • The gigantic glass walls (120' X 180') beyond each endzone aren't actually walls at all, but retractable doors.  This, combined with the retractable roof, can give the stadium a dome-like atmosphere or an outdoor atmosphere, depending on the weather. 
  • There are large-breasted, entirely STD-free prostitutes which perform all sorts of sexual acts on a tips-only basis stationed throughout the stadium.
  • Not only is the stadium a prime work of the architectural arts, but it also houses several pieces of artwork seen here.
  • The concessions at Cowboys Stadium are handled by Legends Corporation, "a partnership combining the expertise in food service of both the Dallas Cowboys and the New York Yankees."  Shit, if they'd toss Notre Dame in there they could call it "Teams Most of Us Would Rather Not Pay Attention to Corp."  Chef Eduardo Alvarez has been working for the Dallas Cowboys for the last ten years as the organization's executive chef and, with the new suites in Cowboys Stadium, has truly been able to expand his craft.  Yes, you read correctly; the stadium has an executive chef.
  • Speaking of suites, the various box suites throughout the stadium are more-or-less fancy, catered hotel rooms minus beds plus a view of a football game.  The field-level suites are especially luxurious and top notch.
  • Of course, the cherry on top of all of this is the microcosmic video board.  You all know about it and you've all seen it on television, but all reports suggest that one must truly see the worlds largest high-definition screen in person to truly appreciate how extravagant an endeavor the construction of Cowboys Stadium truly was.