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State of the Opposition - Week 4

The opposition is out to get us. Constant surveillance is required to keep accurate tabs on their where-abouts and goings-on. The British had MI-6 and James Bond. Nixon had G. Gordon Liddy. Lord Zed had the Green Ranger.

We have the internet.

September 13, 2008
Memphis (Week 1; 0-3, 0-2) v. Nicholls Stae (No one cares) 8:00 PM EDT, Memphis, TN
Ark-watch 2008, the continuing statistical saga of Arkelon Hall shows that the spunky mythological character has 896 passing yards after three games. Here's to you, sir. Now, win a game, friend! Ho, there be the Nicholls State Something-or-Anothers. Hoorah for Tigers!

Wake Forest (Week 2; 2-0, 0-0) v. Florida State (2-0, 0-0) 7:00 PM EDT, Tallahassee, FL
The nuveau-riche of the ACC, the Demon Deacons, head down to the country club (if you could ever call Tallahassee that) to face Boss Bowden and the old political establishment. The Criminoles are ranked in the Top 25 - pity for the old man, no doubt. The Deacons take up their burdens and civilize the Seminoles.

Samford (Week 3; 2-1) (BYE)
It is exceedingly difficult to maintain the charade that I care about what happens to Samford football. Nevertheless, I don't want them to sneak up into I-AA dominance without you people knowing because, ask the Bayou Bengals, if you beat a legitimate team in the division below, you have, obviously, answered all the pre-season questions people had about your transfer quarterback.

#4 Florida (Week 5; 2-0, 0-0) v. Tennessee (1-1, 0-0) 3:30 EDT, Knoxville, TN
The dispositive statistic here, obviously, is the Volunteer loss in Los Angeles. But if the Claw-fense grinds it out on the ground like they did against UAB, this one could be closer than expected. Plus, it's in Knoxville. And, you've got to think Tennessee is at least as good as Miami, right? Still, chomp-chomp-chewy-chomp - Gators roll.

South Carolina (Week 6, 1-2, 0-1-Vandy) v. Wofford (2-0, 0-0), 7:00 PM EDT, Columbia, SC
If you throw a visor to the ground in the same spot over and over again, I wonder if it will ever make a hole in the ground. We're sure to find out, just not this weekend. Gamecocks

#9 Alabama (Week 8; 3-0, 0-0) v. Arkansas (Week 9; 2-0, 0-0) 12:30 PM EDT, Fayetteville, AR
NFL scouts have been banned by the University of Arkansas administration through a joint deal with the University of Alabama administration. The administrations would love for their players to get exposure, but they don't want their coaches going home with somebody else at the end of the night. Anyway, Tiders sink Petrino.

#10 Auburn (Week 10; 3-0, 1-0) v. #6 LSU (Week 13, 2-0, 0-0) 7:45 PM EDT, Auburn, AL
If you're checked into the Cup, you almost certainly already knew about this SEC West Pre-Championship Game. And the fun I've poked at Harvard transfer Andrew Hatch betrays the lack of actual LSU play I've seen this season. Maybe Auburn will fumble three times again today, but at home, maybe not. My qualified pick is the team from The Ear Capital of Alabama because I foresee fewer mistakes on the Eagle/Tiger side of the ball than the Bengal/Tiger side of the ball. I hate Auburn.

UL-Monroe (Week 12; 1-2, 0-0) v. Tulane (0-2, 0-1) 3:00 EDT, New Orleans, LA
Here's what I can tell you: Tulane looked respectable (or, rather, the Tide looked bad) in Tuscaloosa. UL-Monroe looked respectable (or, rather, the Hogs are bad) in Fayetteville. Which Pelican State also-ran will turn their moral victory into an actual one? Well, you'll note that Tulane also notched a moral victory against East Carolina, so with their home juices flowing, I like the Wave.

Mississippi State (Week 14; 1-2, 0-1) v. Georgia Tech (2-1, 0-1) 12:00 PM, EDT, Atlanta, GA
The Jackets and Dogs will go off like all the fireworks in 13th Century England. This game will be almost as dour as the expression on Paul Johnson's face. And it will be in front of, like, 35 people or something. Walrus futures continue to drop amid shaky economic times. Ramblin' Wreck.

And, now, to the all-important season ledger. You may recall that I predicted a Vanderbilt loss - one of the many poor choices I've made in life. 5-2 last week with the Vandy pick and misplaced faith in Memphis. Bringing my season-total to an unimpressive 11-3 start. A fairly easy slate again this week. I may be letting my bayou bias get the best of me with Auburn/LSU, but who cares. As long as one of them loses, it'll be a pretty good day.

The Pre-Grove Report and Commentzorz include:

  • Hotty Toddy, Gosh Almighty, I'm kinda hoping we hurt somebody.
  • Jevan Snead's stat line reads, approximately: 20-30-300, 3TDs, 1 INT.
  • Arkansas outgains Alabama offensively.
  • All Hail UGA VII; the State of Arizona mourns its inevitable return to football mediocrity.
  • Bobby Bowden didn't rank Florida State in his Coaches' Poll ballot. Neither will anybody else after today.
  • Auburn has allowed 3 third-down conversions. I'm guess that number doubles - but not much more.