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State of the Opposition - Week 3

The opposition is out to get us. Constant surveillance is required to keep accurate tabs on their where-abouts and goings-on. The British had MI-6 and James Bond. Nixon had G. Gordon Liddy. Lord Zed had the Green Ranger.

We have the internet.

September 13, 2008
Memphis (Week 1; 0-2, 0-1) v. Marshall (1-1, 0-0) 7:00 PM EDT, Huntington, WV
Did you know that Sir Arkelon Lord Hall the Planet-Eater was completing 67.7% of his passes with a straight-up 3-3 TD/INT ratio? And the Big Blue is 20th in the whole land in total offense at 491 yards per game (admittedly, against some piss-poor defenses). So, I'll take the scrappy Tigers to get a big bite of buffalo burger.

Wake Forest (Week 2; 2-0, 0-0) (BYE)
Wake Forest gets the week off to ponder its place in the universe, hoping desperately that all the nasty things people are saying about the ACC are true. Here's the thing, Wake, start now making sure you beat Vanderbilt. That's what we're doing.

Vanderbilt (Week 4; 2-0, 1-0) v. Rice (2-0, 2-0), 7:00 PM EDT, Nashville, TN
Chris Nickson has yet to throw an interception. While running for 3 TD's and tossing 2, he has managed not to give the ball away. This trend is sure to change. Also, no player for Vanderbilt has caught more than 2 passes. Bobby Johnson, I'm selling you out to a C-USA also-ran; you're gonna get fried by Rice.

#4 Florida (Week 5; 2-0, 0-0) (BYE)
Warren Sapp thinks Urban Meyer has no class. The only thing Urban Meyer likes about that statement is that it refers to Urban Meyer as "Urban Meyer" and not by using some classless, sub-Urban personal pronoun.

South Carolina (Week 6, 1-1, 0-Vandy) v. #2 Georgia (2-0, 0-0), 3:35 PM EDT, Columbia, SC
Lord Vader says that Steven "Drankd" Garcia might see action against the Bulldogs on Saturday. Translation: when the 'Cocks get down by two touchdowns you'll get to see the drankdest, keg-lifting-est quarterback contest allowed on network television. Richt hasn't even turned on the after-burners yet, and he might not have to this weekend. All Hail, UGA VII

#11 Alabama (Week 8; 2-0, 0-0) v. Western Kentucky (1-1, 0-0) 6:00 PM CDT, Tuscaloosa, AL
The Hilltoppers are in their first season of FBS play. Congratulations, Western. Unfortunately, Alabama is 15-1 all-time against Sun Belt Conference teams (can anyone think of where that one loss might've come from?). I doubt there will be any Tide-taunting billboards going up on I-85. Alabama.

Arkansas (Week 9; 2-0, 0-0) vs. Texas (2-0, 0-0), HURRICANED!
The reprieve has been handed down from Ike, but it's only a stay of execution. The 'Horns and Hogs will entangle themselves in Austin on September 27. Die another day, Petrino.

#9 Auburn (Week 10; 2-0, 0-0) v. Mississippi State (Week 14, 1-1, 0-0) 6:00 PM CDT, Starkville, MS
A couple of things are constant: death, taxes, and bad offenses in Starkville. Meanwhile, I think that Auburn's 2008 defense might be the best SEC defense of the decade. They're grood. If Walruses were a commodity, I'd be selling. I hate Auburn.

UL-Monroe (Week 12; 0-2, 0-0) v. Alabama A & M (0-2) 6:00 CDT, Monroe, LA
Here's something I didn't realize: UL-Monroe actually has a football schedule outside of its three or four time annual ritual of getting it's world rocked by an SEC team. It's like the time you used that fake ID to get into a sleazy bar where, off all people, you saw your 6th grade science teacher playing pool by himself and drinking MGD. Who knew these people had lives outside our own little zone of needs? Not me. Does UL-Monroe have a witty, widely-read blog predicting their almost certain victory over Alabama A & M? They should.

#7LSU (Week 13; 1-0, 0-0) v. North Texas (0-2, 0-0) 7:00 PM, CDT, Baton Rouge, LA
I maintain my questions about LSU and will, almost certainly, continue to do so after they get done with the UNT Juice Boxes, or whatever. This is almost too boring. North Texas has already lost to Kansas State and Tulsa. Tigers tangle in Week 4. Until then, here's some hurricane humor for you. What does a hurricane have in common with a redneck divorce? Somebody's losing a trailer. Oh, yeah, LSU.

Last week, after making definite picks for which I can be held accountable, I went a disappointing 6-1 (a made a PAC-10 excessive celebration sized blown call with that Southern Miss upset pick). This week is a bit more dangerous. Rice over Vanderbilt is probably a silly choice and God only knows why I have any faith in Memphis. If you care to convince me why my picks are even more disastrously reckless than I'll admit, I'm like Tommy Tuberville - all ears.