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Samford Preview

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After days of extensive research, I have been able to ascertain numerous factoids about the Samford Bulldogs and their football team. I will deliver this knowledge to you now.


QB: Remember Matt Malouf? A quarterback from our very own Oxford High? We recruited him as a wide receiver, but he chose Memphis because they would let him play quarterback. Well, apparently he's not as good as Arkelon Hall. I'll let that sink in for a minute. Arkelon Hall. Anyway, Malouf transferred to Samford, where, of course, he would be able to start immediately. I mean, why else would he transfer down to 1-AA (shut the hell up about that FCS bullshit. It's 1-AA. Always has been. Always will be.) if it wasn't in order to avoid having to sit out?

Funny thing is that he's not the starter. I'm sure Malouf at least did a little bit of research on Samford's depth chart. He wouldn't transfer somewhere that had a better quarterback than Hall. That means that whoever starts over Malouf is actually worse than Arkelon, and Malouf still can't pass him on the depth chart. I sure am pissed we passed on him at QB.


RB: Ivory Tower wrote some shit on some guy earlier today. I dunno, read it, or not, whatever. The Ghost of Jay Cutler and I are over here at my place enjoying a few glasses of scotch and watching UNC/Rutgers and he decided not to join because he had to do "homework" for "law school." Whatever, fag.


WR/TE: Samford's wide receivers, Jerald Poe, Kevin Sneed, and Juan Lerry are one hell of a receiving core. I mean, they're good bulldogs, but is the game going to be on TV in Pisgah? What time is the game? I think that Poe, Sneed, and Lerry should do the Hotty Toddy so we can kick their @$$! LOL1!! Oh, and if you could please pray for my nephew's best friend's neighbor. He sprained his elbow sliding into 3rd during a tee-ball game, that lil' bugger!


OL: The offensive line of the Samford Bulldogs consists principally of athletes who are larger than the aforementioned offensive players. This is because, in the Bulldog offense, they will be called upon to block oncoming defenders, hopefully allowing the Samford offense to gain yards, earn first downs, and score points.


Defense: Samford takes an interesting approach to defense. the 1-1-9. I think we should throw every down. I mean, that's only nine defensive backs. Seven safeties and two cornerbacks. Shay Hodge can likely come down with it more often than not and Mike Wallace should be able to burn them deep. Their lone linebacker, a converted free safety, is called upon chiefly to blitz but I doubt Jevan is shaking in his boots over it. Their defense should easily give up plenty of points, even to Billy Tapp throwing it up to Richie "Whitie McSurehands" Contartesi.


Special Teams: Look, I'm just gonna be honest with you... we've just kinda been bullshittin' our way through this. I know, I know, it seemed to be the result of thorough, exhaustive research but it isn't. Seriously though, it's Samford. We're not gonna actually look into this crap. We're going to eat Samford for lunch. Hell, the coaches may even let volunteers out of the stands call plays or kick extra points.


The Cup Predicts: an asswhoopin'. What, you want a number? Fine, we beat them by eleventybillion. We'll earn $Texas. Is that cool?