clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Global Warming to Affect Football Schedule

New, 4 comments
Thanks to our guest contributor, Former Vice President and Nobel Laureate Al Gore

Hello, hi, yes, of course, welcome, yes, welcome, thank you, thank you very, very much. I am here to speak to you today about an issue which is very crucial to not only ourselves, in the present, but our children and our grandchildren, in the future. This issue is, of course, the issue of worldwide global climate change, also known as "Guh-low-bull Waaaar-ming." Yes, due to our society's continual and exceedingly reckless use of fossil fuels, which emit dangerous amounts of what scientists call "Guh-reen-house Ga-yuh-siss," the entire Earth is subject to rising temperatures as these "ga-yuh-siss" trap the heat produced by our all-knowing and loving sun God, Ra sun.

Now, I, as a Democrat, have a lot of friends within the scientific community who have done a lot of research which supports these theories. Everything from core samples of our arctic ice to increasing occurrences of unusual weather phenomena point to one thing: we've increased the amount of carbon dioxide in our atmosphere. This increased level of carbon dioxide can raise temperatures all across our globe and have dire, dire consequences.

For example, I have been told that you Ole Miss Rebels have pushed back the kickoffs of your home football games due to increasing temperatures in and around Oxford. While many of you may be celebrating this change, citing more time to sit in your "Grove" and drink your "alcohol" in preparation for an undoubtedly more pleasant football game, you must not ignore the role your irresponsibility has played in this increasingly important global epidemic. Many of you purchase many expensive foods for your elaborate pre-game celebrations and adorn yourselves with high quality fabrics, most of which are imported. This demands an unnecessary use of fossil fuels which could easily be avoided. Furthermore, many of you arrive to your, how do you put it, "tay-ull-gates" in large gas guzzling SUVs and have even been seen supporting one of the world's largest Hummer advocates. These are dangerous habits which, of course, must be broken.

Ole Miss, you can do better. As I understand it, your Chancellor recently signed the university to a green initiative. I also understand that traffic has been severely reduced on campus and that academic departments are being encouraged to purchase and use educational equipment which utilizes as little energy as possible. These are all wonderful steps in the right direction...

Wait a gosh-durned minute! What? You mean to tell me, Al Gore, that you people are building a new Jyumbuh Trawhn?
** What?! God-damn you people! I created the motherfucking INTERNET! Have you not learned anything?! I'm being totally serial here! Damn you, Mississippi, damn you to a one-or-two-degrees-Fahrenheit-hotter-than-normal Hell!


**Thanks are in order to NAFOOM for this rendering.