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DM Sports Writer Fails to Qualify

Daily Mississippian sports reporter Thomas McKee has failed to qualify academically, officials from the university have said.

"People take the term 'student athlete reporter' very seriously these days, and though we're really proud of the progress Thomas has made, he keeps saying stupid things," Associate Athletics Director Karen Schifferl said.

University officials would neither confirm nor deny that McKee's piece in today's edition of The DM claiming that Mississippi State has the second best quarterback corps in the SEC West was the evidence that clinched their determination of his ineligibility.

"This is a private matter, which we know is very sensitive to Thomas' family. No parent wants to discover that his or her child is so ... developmentally challenged in such a public way," Chancellor Robert Khayat reportedly said.

McKee, according to sources, is thinking about transferring to Southern Mississippi where academic requirements for student athlete reporters are not so rigorous, and, also, where, according to McKee, "nobody even knows these quarterbacks' names, so it doesn't [expletive deleted]-ing matter where I rank them."