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The RSC's Travel Guide: Miami, FL

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GUNS! WEED! HOLLA! The Diamond Rebs are headed to America's 2nd or 3rd favorite port city: Miami! This upcoming weekend's regional should be exciting for all in attendance due to beautiful weather, bikini babes, and stray bullets. While I will unfortunately not be in attendance due to $4-a-gallon gas, I have consulted friends who are certainly "in the know" (namely my prejudices and Google) and put together the perfect travel guide for any Rebel fan looking for something to do other than watch depressingly disappointing baseball.

LODGING
Miami is like any city in Florida south of Orlando in that it's full of first generation immigrants and incredibly old New Yorkers. This means that the bell curve on available housing and lodging is, well, upside down. You've got to choose from either a slew of undeniably foul-smelling Motel 6's or multi-starred luxury hotels. Or, that was the case until a couple of years ago. With the recent coaching departures from the University of Miami football team and the downturn in the American housing market, a group of McMansions within a few blocks of the Coral Gables campus have remained open for renters and buyers for a few years. These homes, once belonging to Larry Coker and his staff, have enough room for you and a dozen accomplices friends to sleep comfortably and somewhat securely. A bit of advice though, try to get Dan Werner's old crib; it's got way fewer headbutt marks than Kehoe's old place.

DINING
The Miami lifestyle only affords a person two options: eating very little, or eating a lot over long periods of time. If the latter is more akin to your style then you're in luck! Miami's diverse ethnic makeup and rich history gives its local cuisine a very, errr, unique look and feel. With influences from Cuban, Jewish, Creole, and a hodge-podge of other various cultures, the cuisine of Miami is unlike that of any other.

On second thought, Hardee's did look pretty good.

CULTURE
For a truly memorable cultural experience, the Miami-bound jetsetter needs to keep only three things in mind: Cubans, Cubans, and Cubans! These crafty people have shaped Miami's cultural heritage unlike any other group. From Little Havana to downtown Miami, the influence of the Cuban people is heavily felt. While in Miami, try to engage yourself in salsa dancing, visit the home of Desi Arnez, or even brush up on your Spanish! The following phrases could certainly come in handy during your stay:

"Ningunas gracias, no quisiera ninguna cocaína."
No thanks, I would not like any cocaine.

"¡Por favor! ¡No soy armado!"
Please! I'm not armed!

"¿Qué la cogida usted está intentando venderme?"
What the fuck are you trying to sell me?

"¿Dónde está la biblioteca?"
Where is the library?

Like many of the Cubans, your time in Miami is fleeting so do not waste this golden opportunity!

NIGHTLIFE/ENTERTAINMENT
Miami and neighboring Miami Beach are world renowned for their nightclubs as evidenced by this fine piece of journalism put together by every one's favorite gay Austrian fashion critic, Bruno Schwanzenstuecker:


Lets party ZUSAMMENMACHEN!

While I do not know much about these night clubs I do know how to guarantee a good time when and wherever you do end up partying. Just hit up the most lovable former Ole Miss QB recruit ever, Cannon Smith. He undeniably knows a bunch of dudes who can get you fucked up on quaaludes, ecstasy, heroin, whatever. Rumor has it that his "boi" Guillermo has the good stuff but as far as I can tell it's just hearsay. Regardless, with Cannon Smith on your side what happens in Miami most certainly stays way the fuck in Miami.


I hope we have helped you get prepared for what is undeniably going to be a wonderful vacation. Have fun, be safe, and go Rebs.