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Boda de Eli - ¡Que sexy!

Eli's had a pretty kickass year thus far. After beating the juggernaut New England Patriots and being named MVP in what most people will remember as the SINGLE. GREATEST. SUPERBOWL. EVER. he decided to settle down and get hitched to his super-duper hot ladyfriend, Abby McGrew at a private ceremony this past weekend. The cost of the wedding was estimated at nearly half a million dollars which, while most certainly a pretty penny to nearly all of us, is bullshit chump change to a Manning. I have seen a few photographs taken (by an embarrasingly voyeuristic paperazzo) at the wedding and I must say, $500,000 seems like a bit of an underestimate.

I mean, a privately-rented seaside resort with room reservations for everyone, designer gowns and dresses, and top-end food and booze served off of fine china don't exactly add up to six figures. Unless, of course, you're getting married in M E X I C O !!!
Yes, Eli, Abby, and the rest of the Manning clan spent a wacky weekend on the Baja Peninsula soaking up rays, knocking back Modela and, oh yeah, hosting a wedding.

Now I, being an ignorant, wealthy, white, Southern male have an impression of Mexico which is most accurately represented thusly:


Having that been said, and keeping in mind that I wasn't there and am rarely, if e
ver, invited to attend sacred/public events, I will now give you a rundown of the Manning/McGrew wedding with the most precise accuracy imaginable.

Wedding Photo: totally legit, not at all doctored...

11:24 AM - Eli wakes up, rolls over and, for (maybe) the last time in his life, throws out whatever incredibly sexy nymphomaniac he slept with the night before. As a married man, Eli won't be able to show up at The Library and bring a platoon of these home anymore.

12:00 PM - He's showered and ready. His fiancée, a woman, most likely took several hours and cried through
at least three separate applications of mascara.

12:25 PM - Eli walks to the local McDonalds and eats the greasiest thing he can find with hopes of curing his hangover.

12:27 PM - Vomit.

1:00 PM - Eli and Archie sit down for a cup of coffee. Archie brings Eli in reeeaaallll close in order to give him the crucial Manning family wedding day secret to success: "Do NOT sire females."

3:00 PM - The ring ceremony. It's beautiful, really. There are tears in the eyes of grown men, beautifully crafted rings made of jewels and precious medals, and much pomp and fanfare.

3:30 PM - The
wedding ring ceremony.

3:35 PM - Wedding's over. A limousine awaits Mr. and Mrs. Manning to take them to their reception. The wedding reception, featuring none other than The Library's own DJ Mario, consists mainly of an obese black male screaming "pop yo' pussay" into a microphone over a Ying Yang Twins song off of his iPod.

4:00 PM - Abby and Eli's first dance. Eli, a man not known for his grace, attempts to keep up with his new wife but quickly gives up, exclaiming "I don't know how to 'crank dat' Soulja Boy,' so get off my back!"

4:01 PM - Peyton 'cranks dat' perfectly, looks over at Archie, and screams "Hey Daddy! Look! I can do it!"

5:18 PM - David Cutcliffe falls asleep sitting up.

5:30 PM - Abby throws the bouquet. It is caught by none other than David Tyree.

6:56 PM - Eli and Abby take that one last tequila shot that propels you into a world of debauchery, violence, and amnesia.

5:55 AM - A suddenly awakened Abby Manning jumps from her bed and runs into the bathroom. After a few minutes, she nervously walks out clutching a pregnancy test in her hands. Eli, staring at her through a single half-opened, bloodshot eye inquires to as to exactly what "the fuck" she was doing. Abby, shaking, says to Eli, "your father and every other Spirit board poster told me I had to check, or else. Those Mississippians are desperate, Eli..."