FanPost

A Few Open Letters to Westboro Baptist Church

Christian Petersen

Apparently, WBC says they're coming to Oxford (NSFW link - and they're also going to Alabama on the same day?). Because they're just the worst, I solicited a few letters urging them to stay away. The letters are from luminaries who are, in one way or another, connected to Ole Miss. So, you know, listen to these folks, Westboro.


**********************

Howdy Westie Folks,

Heard y'all were coming to Oxford. Bad idea. Can't do it. Nothing opens up the kitchen like a rooster in heat. I went to Oxford once. Just couldn't make head nor tortoise of the place. First, they say they're glad to see you. Say, "Here, Houston, have a lotta money and Jarven Snood. Enjoy this here Michael Oher." Then, next thing you know they expect you to keep crootin'. 'Fore long, you'll end up with a whole roster full of Jebediah Mastoli. Short kid. Lotta heart. You gotta stay in Kansas. Gotta do it. Applied for a job in Kansas one time. Didn't get it. Not cause I couldn't. Just cause I shouldn't. Kansas and me, well we're like a couple of rascally poleaxes, if you get my meaning. But Kansas is 'bout right for you. Heard Lawrence was okay. Find yourself that way, tell Mark Mangino I said how-do. Big guy. Worried about his arteries.

Your pal,

Houston Dale

New Mexico (You know there's a new one? I didn't either, till I moved out here! Bought an RV and everything! WOOOO!)

*********************

To the Attentionment of Church of City Westboro in Congregation of Baptistness:

Glorious Commissar Mullen has requested me to formulation such a letter as this on his behalfment. Much glory to State of Mississippi is necessary make! With stature of yours as lowly cowardice fulfilled men, your presence in city of Oxford only can service make to sympathies aligned to School of the Northlands. Commissar Mullen is firmamently against any such sympathy-making on behalf of Capitalists. As such, is within People's University Office of Athletical Achievement to offerance a once-timed paid mint of $150 American Dollars to stay away from City of Oxford. If organization yours would like to partaking of such an offerance as this, please response to my letter in urgent fashion! Time is of much value! Season of milking and churning is upon us once again, and time should not be waste-made on matters such as this!

Sincerely,

Minister Stricklin

People's University

Starkingrad

Script of Post-nature: On note of personal feeling, let me urge organization yours to seek assistance of nearest approvanced medical aid. Such actions as are undertook by organization yours can only be constructioned as mental deficit, and as is befitting all comrades, help must be sought for such a problem as this!

************

Dear Westboro Baptist Church:

Stay away. Your vitriol and hatemongering have no place in Oxford, MS.

There is nothing more pathetic than a group of small-minded bigots peddling some half-formed ideology. If you spent even half-a-minute actually studying the book your claim to speak for, you'd realize how ignorant and sinful your lot actually is. Let me assure you, we do not want you in Oxford.

Let me also assure you of this: you'll not find a more hospitable place than Oxford, MS. Here, we believe in welcoming strangers. We believe in freely offering the fruits of our lovely home to those just passing through. We believe in a kind word and a firm handshake, a stiff drink and a hearty slap on the back after a joke that borders on the inappropriate. We believe in humanity. So, you'll find us to be a hospitable people right up until you start with your silly ideas. Then, you'll find us to be a little less hospitable.

If you think you can put aside your hate for just a few minutes, come on down. Otherwise, I encourage you to fuck off until you've taken the time to re-examine your sad little lives. We've not the time nor the patience for folks who lack a basic sense of deceny and decorum.

Sincerely,

Randy Kennedy

God's Country

This post is a Red Cup Rebellion FanPost. Please don't sue us.

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