FanPost

Unseasonably Cold Spring Forces Football Bloggers Out of Hibernation

Bloggers in their natural state: cold and confused. - USA TODAY Sports

Baton Rouge, LA - A powerful spring coldsnap that has battered the country is drawing football bloggers out of hibernation earlier than normal, experts say. According to Dr. Tom Frederickson of the Atlanta-based Center for Sportological Sciences, reports of roving bloggers have come in from across the country this spring. "The cold weather has convinced bloggers who normally stay inside through the warm, sunny Spring and Summer months that Fall has arrived," says Frederickson. "These bloggers are confused, often poorly groomed, and if they're affiliated with Alabama, they could be more than just a nuisance."

In the Baton Rouge area alone, blogger sightings are on the rise. Last week, Joanna Melancon phoned police after a haggard man accosted her as she was taking out the trash. "He just came right up to me and started talking about whether Nick Saban is better than Bear Bryant," said Melancon. "There was Cheeto dust everywhere, and he smelled like Old Spice. When I tried to get back inside, he asked me if I had a list of my Top Five Heisman Hopefuls."

Baton Rouge Emergency Reponse Coordinator Wade Boudreaux warns that people need to prepare themselves for more of these types of sightings, if temperatures continue to dip into the 50's or lower. "There are warning signs," Boudreaux says. "Bloggers, particularly in the southeast, tend to wander out near 11:30 a.m., when they become confused and agitated by the lack of a Jefferson Sports football broadcast. If you're approached by someone calling you 'Dave,' you probably have a blogger on your hands."

If you encounter a blogger, Boudreaux warns, you shouldn't engage in conversation. "Before you know it, you'll be discussing the Vegas line on an Iowa State game that won't happen for another five months," Boudreaux says. "The best thing you can do is go back inside, and phone local authorities."

Frederickson agrees. "You don't want to get into a debate with these bloggers," he says. "Any hint of conversation could attract more bloggers, and before you know it, you'll have a comment section on your front lawn. Those turn ugly more often than not."

Five Signs That You Might Have a Blogger:

1. Is fascinated by expensive bourbon that he doesn't appear to have ever tasted.

2. Interrupts a discussion of local politics by exclaiming, "Roll Tide!"

3. Refuses to have any meal that is not conducted in tailgate form.

4. Aggressively insists that you listen to his Verne Lundquist impression.

5. Organizes his life around goals adapted from Nick Saban's Process.

This post is a Red Cup Rebellion FanPost. Please don't sue us.

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