"Any Cow of Mine" - A Video Fisking

Lars Baron

Shania Twain probably hates Mississippi State.

Here's a "remix" of "Any Man of Mine" by Shania Twain produced by some, um, ambitious Mississippi State bovine studies students (?). Apparently it was a part of some competition which requires a set of skills that cannot be properly learned from farmed books.

Let's break it down, shall we?

0:00 - First off, Shania Twain is terrible. I'm very judgmental of country music, but that isn't to say that I dislike country music. Not at all. Hell, I can hate SmashMouth and still love rock. I can hate T Pain and still love rap. Catch my drift? Shania Twain is a harpy who sings kitchy bullshit songs about bein' a woman in this rough and tumble man's world, and if you don't like it, honey, then you can just hit the bricks /tiesflannelshirt /revealsmidriff /sellsmillionsofalbums

I mean, c'mon, she's from Ontario. Nothing about being from north of the Great Lakes says "country music" at all. Merle Haggard probably hates her music too, which is all the metric I need.

0:05 - Dude with shitkickers pulled up over his jeans, speak audibly into the camera. We all know that you don't want a damn thing to do with this video, but ham it up a bit. Sheesh.

0:08 - Tractor

0:30 - "I better milk her on time." You're a farmer. She's a cow. She operates on your schedule. The whole premise of this song is flawed. You don't need to tell it what to do or make any demands of it, because it's a fucking cow.

0:40 - Buy a microphone that works and try to maintain some rhythm. You're all mumbling over each other, so I can't really discern what brilliant lyrics you've undeniably penned for this magnum opus. I do like how the girl up front has a bit of a shimmy going when she's sticking that butt-vacuum thing on that heffer's genitals. (Clearly, I have no idea what exactly she's doing.)

0:55 - Worst. Moo. Ever.

1:12 - They actually use the words "teats" and "lactating" in this song.

1:22 - Breakin' out the trophy case I see! "She's gotta be a record-breakin', baby-makin', butter-shakin'" something or another, which should be expected in Oktibbeha county because you all clearly have a track record of all of the above.

1:44 - "When I inseminate, she better take it?" Good lord.

1:45 - Aaaaand yes, she just pulled her arm out of that animal's asshole.

2:15 - At least they're happy looking cows. Or maybe this is what the bovine version of Stockholm Syndrome looks like.

2:20 - D'AWWWWWW LOOK AT THE BABY ONE THE CALF WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO IT LET IT GO AND RUN AROUND AMUSE ME WITH YOUR CUTENESS CALF GET AWAY NOW WHILE YOU'RE STILL NOT TOO FAT

2:45 - Trying to do some sort of Petticoat Junction stuff right here. "E" for effort.

3:05 - That's what I'm talkin' about! Dude in maroon hoodie with the shitkickers on could learn a thing or two from this young lady. She really hams it up while yanking those udders.

3:17 - Pop 'n' lock it, y'all.

3:26 - "Shimmy, shake, make a milkshake." Rhyming "shake" with "shake" is an interesting artistic license you've taken here.

3:40 - I am determined (not really) to make this dance the next Cha Cha Slide. Do-se-do and stomp your boots, clang your cowbells and cut it loose, or whatever the hell it is.

3:50 - Poor maroon hoodie shitkicker guy (let's call him "Brett"), he was clearly extorted into doing this by a young lady he's either attracted to or severely indebted to, because there's no way that any guy could be coerced into such embarrassment otherwise. It's okay Brett. You'll have a long career in the industry to fall back on, assuming this doesn't get out... whoops.

3:58 - Brief Gangnam Style at the end there. That's like putting doodoo sprinkles on a diarrhea sundae.

4:00 - Nobody wants to look at your cat.

4:02 - See! Even your cat's embarrassed by this!

And before I conclude, let me remind everyone that I have nothing against farmers or the dairy industry writ large. We have 300M+ fat mouths to feed in this country, and I applaud everyone working hard to make sure that such is possible. Also, I am a huge fan of cheese of, really, any sort.

So this isn't a knock on America's dairy farmers at all. This is just a goofy and amusing video which I, in my Ole Miss bias, can use to deride Mississippi State. That's it. Just as I'd get mocked if I showed up on this farm with my liberal arts education and big city sensibilities, I too laugh at those who unknowingly embarrass themselves. Deal with it.

(Oh but I'm sure these are all straight-A students from nice families who just want to get an education and feed the world. That's great, and I'm proud of them. Spare the lecture.)

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