FanPost

SEC Game of Thrones (definitely contains spoilers)

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via www.thewareaglereader.com

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For those of you who haven't watched or read GOT, this post may contain spoilers through the first three TV seasons. I've read all 5 books and watched all 3 seasons of HBO's Game of Thrones, so I'm trying not to spoil anything, but I probably will. You've been warned.

When you play the game of thrones, you win or you die. There is no middle ground.

-Cersei Lannister

Drinking and lust , no man can match me in these things. I am the god of tits and wine.

-Tyrion Lannister

It's a cold Saturday morning and I'm hungover from drinking too much wine at UMMC's Christmas gala. As I've sat here beside my Christmas tree-white lights or GTFO-wondering how the SEC championship will be featuring two 'worst to first' teams, I began to draw comparisons between teams of the Southeastern Conference and houses from Game of Thrones. Some are obvious, some are funny, and some are a stretch; I'm just putting my thoughts up for some conversation on a weekend without Ole Miss football :(

So without further rambling, the SEC Game of Thrones:

ALABAMA - House Lannister

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Perhaps the most obvious choice here, the Alabama Crimson Tide is the SEC House Lannister. Powerful, rich, and crimson, Alabama is the undisputed power in all of Westeros the SEC. House Lannister is to "Hear Me Roar" as Alabama is to "Roll Tide;" though, I have reservations to whether Bammers always pay their debts. Much like Jamie and Cersei, there are rumors of insestual relations among the fanbase. And honestly, these two guys are the same person:

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AUBURN - House Tyrell

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Ah yes, Auburn. "Growing Strong" down on the plains, Auburn is also a power in the SEC and seems to produce a bountiful harvest of talent year in and year out. It has used it's rich harvest* to have many great football players. Married to Alabama, Auburn has no choice but to deal with the day in and day out tyranny of it's boy king; however, Auburn is smart and cunning, and took the opportunity to dethrone the king with poison a strong spread rushing attack.

ARKANSAS - House Frey

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Hell bent on doing things their way and getting a fair piece of the deal, Arkansas is House Frey. No one really wants to deal with these guys, but it must be done in order to accomplish the goals of an SEC season. Their house Lord complains about promises made, injuries that were sustained, and the overall state of competition. Always wanting to be more powerful and relevant than they really are, they have resorted to trapping their opponents in Little Rock to massacre them in front of their ugly daughters and sons of daughters. Oh yeah, their house lord like the wimmens too, he really cares about the wives.

FLORIDA - House Targaryen

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A traditional power who has been reduced a mere shade of its former self, Florida is House Targaryen. Dragons and alligators oh my! "Fire and Blood" is right, House Targaryen's former heroes have fallen, their blood line nearly eliminated, and their only chance for survival is wandering around in a desert. 2013 Florida has been a dumpster fire full of bloodied and injured bodies with little hope for an immediate return to power. It must catch some major breaks to cross the sea and head back to Westeros... errr, Atlanta. Will Muschamp is the coaching equivalent of George R.R. Martin with dyslexia. When the hell will the dragons Gators do something? Stay tuned.

GEORGIA - House Stark

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"Winter is Coming." Yes, Georgia, winter seems to come for you year in and year out. A likable house with many dynamic and talented characters, Georgia seems like it should be a stronghold for National Championships and the Iron Throne but always falls short of expectations. There is a game every year where Georgia is an invited guest attending joyous occasion only to be brutally fucking murdered in the worst way possible. Georgia, Georgia, Georgia, you just have to die, don't you? Being killed off is in your nature.

KENTUCKY - The White Walkers

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Holy shit these things are scary... if you're beyond the wall. Really they have no relevance off the court on the green pastures of southern Westeros. They come out only certain times in history (basketball season) and there's really only one way to kill them.... they're one and done, but while they're here they'll probably make a good run at domination. They travel very well through the cold and snow to meet their purpose of complete (basketball) domination. Winter is coming, bitches. Time for some basketball. Did I mention they are only good at basketball?

LSU - House Baratheon

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LSU. "Ours is the Fury." Yes, LSU, much like House Baratheon, yours IS the fury. BUT YOU NEVER FUCKING BRING THE FURY. A traditional and formidable power, LSU is nothing to fuck with; however, success and a seat on the Iron Thron has lead to your becoming a fat and lazy drunk. King Robert Baratheon; a once fearsome warrior leading his team to battle, crushing his enemy's skulls with a hammer power running game, has become a fat and out of shape drunkard. He is, err... was the undisputed leader and King and is revered across Westeros. Couple the fat king with a effeminately gay brother -LSU fans like to dress in drag, right?- a stoic, stern, rule following brother, throw a couple bastards in there, and you've got a pretty good idea of the Bayou Bengal fanbase.

MISSOURI - Braavos

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Isolated from Westeros, the free city of Braavos is mysterious and I have no idea what's going on with these guys. There's a Braavosi swordsman who teaches the ways of finesse swordsmanship to outmatch and overpower larger, more intimidating opponents, a face changer going from a prisoner (2012 Mizzou) to an apparent badass killer (2013 Mizzou) and this whole concept of "VALAR MORGHULIS:" ALL MEN MUST DIE, BITCHES.

Missouri is isolated form the majority of SEC country, but they have techniques that work and apparently, they believe that all SEC powers must get beat. They are aware of football mortality and are seeking to seize the moment. Valar Morghulis. Bring on 2014.

MISSISSIPPI STATE - The Wildlings

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The Free Folk of Starkville. They claim to be descendants of the first men, the flagship people of the north. They are better than the kingdoms of the South because they bow to no man, they are free. They are convinced their way of life in the barren wastelands beyond the wall is better than that of the kingdoms, yet they still try to escape over the wall every chance they get. Hating the Crows on the Wall is the most important thing a Wildling can do, for the Crows "know nothing." With all their superior knowledge, they are still at awe when they see a windmill, believing it to be a castle. Imagine if they could see a real castle!

Led by a fearless hunchback King beyond the wall, they have loosely organized to a seemingly formidable opponent with giants, trolls, and barbaric cannibals; this is a nuisance to the Night's Watch and Westeros at large. Even at their mightiest moment they are still crushed because, quite frankly, even at their best they are still bad.

OLE MISS - The Night's Watch

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"A Sword in the Darkness." Eh, not quite. But hear me out. A once proud order of men dedicated to the protection of Westeros, the Night's Watch has been dwindled down to nothing more than a band of ragtag misfits. The Night's watch tries to protect the wall but really kinda sucks at it's job. It's out-manned and doesn't have the talent necessary to complete the task. They plead a warning to Westeros to send more fit men, but get only ex-cons and cripples.

Ole Miss has been on the decline since it's glory in the 50s, yet still boasts about the glory of years past. Severely out talented and out-manned in the SEC, every game is a struggle. Ole Miss consistently struggles to contain and protect it's boundaries, allowing to lesser teams of Wildlings and White Walkers to outsmart and outplay it.

Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come.

The Night Watch's Oath. I'm almost completely sure every single Ole Miss fan pledges this the day they enroll on campus. "I am an Ole Miss fan and now my watch begins. I'll cheer on Ole Miss no matter how much it fucking sucks to do that sometimes. I'll protect the Grove and Oxford and love them forever. I'll pretty much abandon all the shit that's important in my life for my irrational love for Ole Miss. Amen." Ole Miss is sworn to protect the SEC against the Wildlings of Mississippi State, a task that seems to befuddle the Rebel Night Watch as of late.

SOUTH CAROLINA - House Martell

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Located in Dorne, House Martell is not a traditional power, but has fought off the powers of Westeros for a majority of it's history, thus the house words of "Unbowed, Unbent, Unbroken." It's leader has seen his younger days pass and now clings to life sitting without a shirt by the pool. House Martell has its warriors, and they are very talented but ultimately a few elite warriors cannot defeat an army to rule the Iron Throne. Alas, its leader waits, sits by the pool, enjoys the sun.

TENNESSEE - House Arryn

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Rocky Top, more like rock bottom amirite?? House Ayrrn is great traditional power house and sits in the Eyrie, a fortress high atop the Vale, a impenetrable mountainous region. This house has significantly declined, it's former beloved leader Jon Arryn was killed and now it is ruled by a crazy bitch and her psycho child king. House Arryn has the ability to be a great power again, but it will take dedication and time. How much time do they have?

The Volunteers are House Arryn because of several unique qualities. Of course, the Knoxville is a great location for a gigantic football fortress that once held great games with national implications. In recent years, Phil Fulmer has been fired, Lane Kiffin has put his talents* to work, and now they are in a state of mediocrity.

TEXAS A&M - House Greyjoy

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Coming in fast and fucking shit up, Texas A&M is house Greyjoy. Kevin Sumlin leads his pirate offensive attack based on the strategy of striking first and striking fast. If A&M really wanted to, they could sail through and completely pillage the SEC for all its worth; but of course, they have a fatal flaw: they can only sail. They do not have a defensive ground strategy. Taking traditional castles like Winterfell has proven very hard, and these pillagers have decided a live of sailing, killing, and moving on is far better than establishing themselves as a formidable, stable presence.

VANDERBILT - House Tully

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Yeah that fish has teeth, it can bite. House Tully sits on a river, great defenses for a house that is not a perennial power. Sharing it's territory with House Arryn, House Tully confines itself to the Riverlands and mostly concerns itself with literature and, I'm guessing, the Socratic Method. They have strong leadership with Blackfish, but he does not have the support of the people; frustrated, he leaves. (James Franklin's gonna leave, y'all.)

So there you have it folks, what do you think?

***this fan post has grammatical errors that I do not intend to correct.

This post is a Red Cup Rebellion FanPost. Please don't sue us.

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