So we certainly realize how ridiculous this concept is and how long this post will be (with 64 entries and their explanations). Are there other ways to do it? Sure. Are a lot of people going to avoid reading it? Yes. Did we think ahead enough to present it in another fashion? Of course not!
What we've set out to do (admittedly poorly) is figure out just what makes Mississippi State so.... so... Mississippi State-y. Help us whittle it down by voting.
If you'd like to skip the reading and just go vote, you can do that on this widget...
If you're still reading, enjoy.
1. The Junction: "A tailgating tradition since 2006" - In Mississippi, we all know how important tradishuns are. Nothing says "THIS IS A BY GONE TRADISHUN AND I'M NEVER LETTING GO OF IT!" after having done it for 7 years.
2. Worrying about other teams poaching Dan Mullen - Remember 2010 when MSU finished 9-4 against horrible Florida and Georgia teams and beating a Michigan team with a QB that didn't even tie his shoelaces? State fans were really concerned Dan Mullen would be snatched up after that season. Now the short list of teams interested in Dan Mullen might consist of Akron and Florida A&M International Roast Beef Tech.
3."We will never lose to this team again." - Our media department cued this up so nicely on the jumbotron last year after the Egg Bowl. Still makes me laugh
4. Respect the Bell rule during visiting team drives - One of the most laughable rules in all of college football is exemplified in Davis Wade stadium: artificial noisemakers. You are seriously going to tell me that two-tooth slack jawed Cleetus isn't going to ring his pride possession CLANGA bell because you put a reminder on the jumbotron? Fucker can't read that shit anyway.
5. #1 jab at rival school isn't sports related - Seriously...we don't give a shit if you call us TSUN or Teddy Bears.
6. Thinking Starkville is even in the same breath of a college town as Oxford - Even Google knows what's up and Google never lies. Shit's the first thing that pops up. Quit hatin', know your role, stfu.
7. Bouncing NFL alums from your club - Hey State fan, you know how you bitch and gripe about how all dem croots are getting $$$dolladollabillyall from Ole Piss and that's the only reason they go there? Well maybe it's because we just know how to show them a good time in Oxford while you won't even let one of the few alums who isn't actually riding the pine in the NFL into the "lamest" club ever.
8. CLANGA cowbell rivaling vuvuzela for most annoying stadium noisemaker - I imagine there are some State fans out there that cream their pants with the thought of the sweet soothing sound of CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA CLANGA in the distance. If I never hear a CLANGA again in my lifetime, it would be too soon.
9. "From Dixon with love" - I was in Starkville when they put this on the jumbotron. If you loved him so much, why couldn't you just let him in da club?
10. Egg bowl ticket is different from rest of the season tickets - State makes a point to have the Egg Bowl ticketbe completely different from the rest of the tickets. Two years ago it was the outline of MS with "THIS IS OUR STATE" and in the corner, a picture of Dan Mullen shitting the bed.
11. Left/Right field in Oxford > scaffolding in the outfield - You have scaffolding in your outfield. As in scaffolding commonly used for construction purposes. There are many reasons our baseball field/atmosphere is eleventy bajillion times better than yours. This is one of them.
12. Marooooooooooooon---whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite - This cheer comes in a close second to the most annoying thing you will hear while at Davis Wade stadium.
13. Castrating a live bull in front ot football team before upcoming Texas game - This came up this year because we played Texas. Hugh Freeze said he wasn't gonna try that for motivation, like any sane person would do or say.
14.Getting platinum cowbells for a wedding gift - I have a cousin who got really excited about a platinum cowbell that some big donor gave him. Melt that shit down and forge a bunch of coins that will probably equate to how much I give a damn.
15. Losing to Maine Black Bears in their first game against D-1 opponent in over a decade - LOL BLACK BEARS GET IT?
16. "Hugh Freeze is brainwashing those poor kids" - More message board drivel that can be seen multiple times on any given thread on any given MSU message board site.
1. Used Domestic Cars - You wanna be on cruise control to cool in Starkville? Roll up to the Hardee's in your early 2000's Ford Mustang.
2. "Who let the dogs out" - Everybody thinks this song is fucking garbage. They play it in Davis Wade Stadium.
3. Losing to LSU - Mississippi State fans will comment on LSU fans, remarking that they're much more hospitable and polite than the rest of the SEC West asserts them to be. Well everybody else has beaten LSU since the Clinton presidency, so there's a pretty good reason for them to not display any hostility towards State; they simply don't perceive the Dawgz as any sort of threat whatsoever.
4. Good-ass chocolate milk - Have you ever had the chocolate milk they serve on State's campus? Man, that shit is outstanding.
5. Jerry Clower - I don't get why he's treated as if he's some sort of Magnolia State treasure. He's not funny. Here, let me write a Jerry Clower joke for you: "So two boys were going hunting outside of Kosciusko, and they saw a squirrel on a stump. They pointed their rifles at the squirrel, and the squirrel said ‘hey fellas, put that there gun down!'" Get it? Because it's a squirrel who talks? Squirrels don't normally talk, y'see, so it's funny.
6. Dickies, worn unironically - Hipsters wear Dickies because they think it makes them look plainer and more everyman than they actually are. State fans wear Dickies because they're inexpensive and durable.
7. MSU Bulldog Bites - Veteran Cup readers will remember this. For those of you who don't know what we're referencing, there was some SEC tailgate cookoff that one of our readers was participating in as the Ole Miss representative. He prepared a smoked duck gumbo, and made it to the finals with it. It was a recipe that was traditional and a great representative of Southern food culture. The guy representing State, on the other hand, made "bulldog bites," which are cut up hot dog wieners wrapped in ground beef and grilled. The humor found therein is entirely unintentional.
8. Velveeta - "Hey, but State makes their own cheese!" Yeah, but don't act like y'all's grandmamas ain't making mac ‘n' cheese with deli ham chunks and Velveeta, because she is, and you love her for it.
9. Righteous indignation - Defined as "anger and contempt combined with a feeling that it is one's right to feel that way; anger without guilt." State fans feel justified in their gnashing of teeth and flailing of arms because, in their eyes, Ole Miss is the true evil. Their wrath is, therefore, acceptable and "right," even.
10. Accusing people of racism - It's even more State-y if you, yourself, say and do racist things.
11. Thinking highly of Jackie Sherrill - He's awful.
12. Conspiracy theories - The reason that State struggles to succeed is because everybody's out to get them, and "the man" (*cough cough* OLE MISS *cough cough*) is keeping them down.
13. Bell-related puns - Or, better yet, anything tied to that tired SNL sketch with Will Farrell and Christopher Walken. We get it, that damn Blue Oyster Cult song has a cowbell in it, and SNL lampooned that, and there was something about a fever and more cowbell and all that shit. We know. We too laughed at that sketch a decade ago.
14. Cognitive dissonance - The mental state associated with holding two conflicting sets of belief. This is best exemplified in this rivalry during recruiting season. If - excuse me, when - Hugh Freeze signs a blue-chip prospect that Mississippi State was also heavily recruiting, the refrain of "he's an overrated thug, pre madonna, drama queen who we didn't want anyway" becomes a common one on Bulldog message boards. So your program recruited him very heavily, but you didn't want him anyway? Makes total sense.
15. White bread - Because wheat bread is for city-slickers who watch soccer and eat arugula salads.
16. Resentment - No explanation necessary.
1. Gene Swindoll - While EliteDawgs.com has become the most hilarious corner of the intertubes of late, let's not forget what got a group of mouth-breathing Ole-Miss-loathers together on the internet first. Before there was anything, there was Gene Swindoll's GenesPage.com. Thanks to Gene's insight, Mississippi State will always have incredible players riding the bench because the starters are just that good... and they'll still lose to LSU by thirty points.
2. Thinking wearing bow ties is "gay" - There's no greater sign of the genteel South than a bow tie and a seersucker suit. To criticize the wearing of a bow tie is to criticize culture and a Southern renaissance. Also, what else are you supposed to do with a tux? Wear a long tie like a peasant?
3. Having opinions not shared by the rest of America - "Tailgating in Starkville is actually much better than at Old Piss." "I don't understand why anyone would go be a Weeb when their campus is just soooo ugly."
4. Rankin County, Mississippi - Guys.... guys... Flowood has the best Fazoli's this side of the Mississippi. Seriously. It is almost as good as Pearl's Ruby Tuesday or Brandon's.... Olive Garden? Seriously... no group of "cities" better represents MSU than those in Rankin County. Next month, I hear the county will be getting a restaurant without a single picture on the menu. It will still be laminated, but that's just for efficiency's sake.
6. Paying recruits not to visit other schools - For those of you who are not familiar with this, it definitely happened. It landed Mississippi State on probation ("those cheaters at Old Piss are always cheatin'!") when they paid Will Redmond 6 thousand dollars not to visit Georgia. I can imagine the booster said something like, "oh, you don't want to go visit Athens, Georgia. It's ugly and unsafe, and there's nothing to do there! PLEASE DON'T GO... PLEASE." Seriously, if anyone visited other schools and still chose to attend State, we have nothing whatsoever in common.
7. Working for Ole Miss graduates - I don't really mean this in a funny way. Ole Miss graduates own things. Mississippi State graduates are their assistant managers. That's just how it is.
8. The School of Architecture being housed by a horrendous building - A revered architect from Starkville designed this. That is all.
9. Billboards laying claim to territory ownership - I'm not sure whether Ole Miss graduates want to make a claim to the entirety of Mississippi anyway, but it turns out that isn't possible anyway. "Hm... how should we reach out to people? I know... BILLBOARDS ALL OVER THE STATE! They'll let people know that Mississippi belongs to us since we won the Egg Bowl!"
10. Having bad quarterbacks - Quick. Name the last quarterback from Mississippi State to be drafted by, signed by, or mentioned in a mock draft to any NFL team. CFL team? Arena League?
11. Nicknaming and making a big deal out of an Independence Bowl - No one cares that you once beat Texas A&M in a bowl game in Shreveport, Louisiana. They don't call it the Snow Bowl or think about the game at all. Can you imagine if Ole Miss fans designed some type of special uniform to commemorate the year we beat Nebraska in Shreveport? Awesome! We beat a 6-6 Nebraska team! COMMEMORATE!
12. Misspelling "Mississippi" on school-commissioned signs and sporting events - How... how can you do this? This made it through at least one home game before anyone noticed.
13. Looking unbelievably plain - I'm not going to use an image here because I don't want to call anyone out. I'm just going to assume that you know what I'm talking about. I mean.... come on. How is that possible? How can droves of people look so dull?
14. Claiming Kevin Fant was better than Eli Manning - It's not all that surprising that people said this while Eli was still in school. He didn't win ten gmes until his senior season. That being said, I've heard Mississippi State fans say this.... in years when Eli won the Super Bowl. "If Kevin Fant had a team around him when he was at State, he'd be in the NFL too."
16. Inexplicably convincing good cornerbacks to go to college in Starkville - Here's the thing I'll never understand. Ole Miss has struggled at this position for roughly forever. Mississippi State never has major issues at this position despite their coaching staff or the rest of the team. How.... how do they find them?
Whiskey Wednesday's Selections:
1. Being Fat and Having a Goatee - The title says it all. If I see someone in the state of Mississippi who is a.) fat and b.) has elected to rock the worst facial hair configuration known to man, then it's almost a lock that they are in allegiance with Mississippi State University. Ole Miss fans generally have some combination of sense, self-respect, and dietary habits that prevents this dreaded combination. Southern Miss fans (those of them that haven't killed themselves or gone into hiding as full-time LSU fans) are scrawny, cagey little bastards who wear upside-down visors. Even away from Mississippi, on those rare occasions when I bespy a portly individual with a scraggly circle of whiskers about their gaping maw, I mentally picture them in a XXL dip-stained 1994 Final Four t-shirt... and I feel like I'm home again.
2. Wearing camouflage to church - Perhaps it started as a cold-weather phenomenon. I guess I get it: you work a blue-collar job in the deep South, so your need for a nice woolen coat is pretty limited. So maybe you start by wearing a camo hunting jacket over some ill-fitting Dockers and an Old Navy polo shirt when it's cold outside. Your family and peers do this often enough that any reasonable sense of shame that you might otherwise be burdened with is removed. You find yourself wearing Mossy Oak shirts to church in the summertime because they're comfortable and whimsically unsophisticated. Soon, no formal occasion is safe (save for the fact that you're wayyyy less likely to be invited to one in the first place). Please, MSU fans, stop the madness.
3. "We drive tractors, they sue people" - I had initially thought (maybe correctly) that "We Drive Tractors, They Sue People" was a sign handmade by some MSU kid at the College World Series. Unable to dig up a photo of the sign, I instead found this video, which was pretty difficult to sit through. Heck, even the reporter sounds uneasy and annoyed throughout. Not surprisingly, a full seventy seconds of the 2:49 video are exclusively devoted to Ole Miss's absence from the CWS and MSU's general disdain for them. Skip to the 2:00 mark for a look at a man who clearly thinks he's just said the cleverest thing ever uttered.
4. Rushing the field after defeating a 3-8 team by a field goal - Karma is a funny thing. Sometimes, the payback never comes. Sometimes, it takes just one year. In 2007, MSU notched their 7th win against a listless Ole Miss team (who was hours away from firing their coach, if they hadn't already). Rather than celebrating modestly and getting excited about a better bowl berth, MSU fans rushed the field, and head coach Sylvester Croom skipped the post-game handshake to lumber around the field waving a giant school flag. One year later, MSU suffered the most lopsided loss in the rivalry's history.
5. Accusing your rival of paying players... while on probation for paying players - Look, recruiting in the SEC is not a clean business. You can ignore it (recommended), you can get butt-hurt about it (I can't stop you), but you can't scream "CHEATERS" at a program that is currently NOT the subject of any NCAA investigation when your own program is on probation for buying a player a vehicle and paying him thousands not to visit Oxford.
6. #SocialMediaDisasters - Yes, our generation does love social media. But perhaps our favorite thing about social media is when someone leverages their social media presence to create a uniquely embarrassing trainwreck. Be it #WeBelieve, #Hailstate, or #Snowbowl, if MSU can put a hashtag in front of it, it's going to fail miserably.
7. Travelling poorly to bowl games, then losing them - I'd definitely rather be known as the fanbase that drinks all the bourbon in Dallas than the one that tips poorly at Applebees on the way out of Jacksonville.
8. Having football players named "Pig" and "Pork Chop" - I don't know how many of you were Ole Miss fans in Mississippi in the late 90's/early 00's, but MSU fans during that time were as intolerable as ever. The two programs were about equal... maybe MSU even had a slight upper hand. Even as a kid, I just remember thinking that all of this folksy, backwoods stuff that MSU people swallowed up was really, really stupid. Perhaps none more so than the beloved nicknames (shoot, I had to look them up to find out if they weren't their actual names) of Edward "Pig" Prather and Floyd "Pork Chop" Womack. It was pretty terrific, though, when Pig achieved perhaps the lowest Wonderlic score in the history of the test, then went undrafted after being projected as a 1st round pick.
9. Saying (without irony) "you know, I'm really more of a basketball fan" right after the Egg Bowl - This is another late 90's MSU gem. Oh really? You're just a basketball fan now? The extent of your basketball knowledge was hearing someone shout "Box out!" at a game this one time and sort of knowing what they were talking about. But hey, now that you've lost the Egg Bowl, you're well-versed in every nuance of the sport, right? Heck, maybe you even forgot to tune into the game. You were too busy dreaming about opening night at The Hump. You're not bothered at all that MSU lost, is what you're trying to convey here...
10. Any Cow of Mine - Submitted without comment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v7mrISWrJJY
11. The dawg pound rock. Seriously, what are you even doing? - So, a lot of football teams like to hop around excitedly to get themselves pumped up for a game. Don't take this and try to fill MSU's tradition vacuum. It's just sad. Here it is, in all its glory: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9XhlQwnuh1o
12. Store brand Cheez Whiz - What's better than a colloidal mixture of cheese-flavored trans-fats, hydrogenated oils, and preservatives that can be stored at room temperature and propelled into your fat face with compressed air? Getting the store brand for 18 cents cheaper, that's what.
13. Having your most famous alumni riding pine in the NFL - Seriously, if Anthony Dixon didn't have that ridiculous gold hair, I'd have forgotten that he was on the 49ers roster. The most famous NFL player ever to hail from MSU is... who? Eric Moulds?
14. Having Alabama as an auxiliary rooting interest, despite playing in their division - Don't lie, MSU fans. At some point, you've at least considered fiddling around with the picture settings on your old TV set to see if you can make Crimson look enough like Maroon to let you imagine that you're actually beating LSU on CBS, instead of eking out a nail-biter against Bowling Green on pay-per-view.
15. Scrapping an (admittedly) pretty cool logo in favor of something that a Conference USA team wouldn't wear - Seriously. If MSU switched back to these uniforms (http://imgur.com/IgwpjLS), I think we'd all respect them a tiny bit more and pity them a tiny bit less.
16. The fact that an MSU blog or message board is going to at least be tempted to do a "The Most TSUN Shit Ever" Bracket, because everything State fans do is derivative and desperate - Come on. Do it.
So that's all we got. Get to voting.