FanPost

SEC: Alien Invasion

John L. Smith is probably an alien. - Wesley Hitt

With the 2012-2013 college football season finally wrapped up, people are already wondering what is next. From now until early February, every college football fan will be praying to see their favorite high school and junior college recruit's name inked onto their respective school's football roster. Then we've got spring practice before heading into the dreaded football winter from May until August.

But before we completely shut the books on this past season, though, I thought it would be worth looking one more time at the success of each program in the SEC. As some sort of metric, I have described each SEC team, based upon their performance in the 2012 season, as a movie alien; this will undoubtedly make things less confusing. (Note: Sometimes I am referring to the alien and sometimes the movie. It is vague, but that is just how it is.)

Appearing in reverse-alphabetical order (Alabama can't be first all of the time):

  1. Vanderbilt Commodores: Battle: Los Angeles.
    Good, solid alien movie, but no one is really talking about it.
  2. Texas A&M Aggies: Alien.
    Sneaking around. Killing folks. And when you finally think you have them defeated, out pours acid blood to erase a 10 point fourth quarter lead.
  3. Tennessee Volunteers: Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
    No one really knows what is going on, but there is a strong cult following that wants to go wherever they are led.
  4. South Carolina Gamecocks. Independence Day.
    A well organized and lethal squadron with a sure-fire victory plan and a stellar defensive system wins a few big battles but inexplicably falls short of total domination.
  5. Ole Miss Rebels: Super 8.
    They made some waves in a small town and were not really known about on the national scene. That's OK with them though; they just wanted to get their ship fixed and back on track.
  6. Mizzou Tigers: Paul.
    Not many people watched this movie, and really not many people care to.
  7. Mississippi State Bulldogs: Predator.
    Predator blew through the first seven or eight Army commandos in the jungle easily and felt pretty good about it. Then came Arnold who beat the brakes off of him. Maybe next time, Predator.
  8. LSU Tigers: War of the Worlds.
    Just when the puny humans are defeated and victory is in sight, that overlooked bacteria/fake-field goal/12-men-on-the-field-penalty comes back with a vengeance and the win is thwarted.
  9. Kentucky Wildcats: E.T.
    Seemingly left here by mistake, they just want to get back home (basketball) after suffering through a near death experience.
  10. Georgia Bulldogs: Signs.
    There are lots of clues pointing to the existence of a good team, but everyone is afraid that everything will fall into place just a little too late. Now Georgia fans are telling themselves that everything happens for a reason.
  11. Florida Gators: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
    A once powerful and prideful race lays in ruins agonizingly waiting for someone to come put the pieces back together.
  12. Auburn Tigers: Transformers (Decipticons).
    The Decipticons have all of the resources, weaponry, talent, and out-number the Autobots by a good margin. Yet they still find a way to lose to a lesser team.
  13. Arkansas Razorbacks: MIB (The Bug).
    This alien was dirty, big, and had a mean temper, and in the end he was destroyed from the inside.
  14. Alabama Crimson Tide: Cloverfield.
    He's just here to cause destruction, and there's really not anything we can do about it. Seemingly impervious to any known weaponry, full fire power must be unleashed to even stand a chance.

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via i875.photobucket.com

This post is a Red Cup Rebellion FanPost. Please don't sue us.

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