Commisar Mullen and Retired Commisar Croom (via twoyardsandacloudofenricky)
Is time of season off from sport of football activities wherefore Glorious Commissar Mullen and Junior Commissars of People’s University Football Squadron plan-make for season next. So that it may rouse spirit of proletariat pridefulness, enjoy to read this advancemently released schedule of football related occurrences. – Minister Stricklin
Month of Dawgust
Day the First – Commencement-make with secret-like practicings of football squadron. Dictator Slive must not gain knowledge of events such as these! Quiet yourselves on subject of these practicings, People’s University Faithful, for even now, in State of Alabama, machinations are being foundationed which threaten to harm Our Glorious Commissar’s Legacy!
Day the Tenth – Allowance information of our practicings to be disseminated, as official practicing date has arrived!
Day the Fifteenth – Board aeroplanes for People’s University Squadron-Building Trip to Museum of Communism in City of Prague. Opportunity great for education-making of young Bookfarmers on history of Our Wondrous Way of Life!
Day the Twentieth – Return to Starkingrad. Immediate-like put into practice lessons of trip to City of Prague! Blood on its own is rotation-maker for wheel mechanisms of revolution!
Month of Septcroomber
Day the First – Football contest against mighty Tigers of Jackson State. Clanging of cowbells to be heard thundering across Our State!
Day the Twenty-fifth – Celebration make for Retired Commissar Croom’s day of birth! Capitalist publications and agencies of news disbursal manufacture lies and truths of at best half weight concerning Retired Commissar Croom’s record and performance at People’s University, but heed not their jealous ramblings, Citizen! How do they obscure truth of fantastical victories over Gators of Florida or Tide of Alabama! Lies must not be believanced! Celebration make our Glorious Former Commissar!
Month of Sherriltober
Day the Thirteenth – Football contest against Volunteers of Tennessee! Junction is to be brimmed with merriment! Many hot dogs microwaved beforehand! Much Southpaw to be imbibed with pridefulness in knowledge of our Wondrous Gating-of-Tail!
Day the Twenty-seventh – No football contest will be conducted on day such as this. Again, lies of Capitalist Media are not to be believed! People’s University Football Squadron will be on trip to remote book-farm where communication is an impossible ideal. Do not look for Football Squadron on this day! Do not believe false reports claiming their presence in City of Tuscaloosa! Surely if Football Contest were to be conducted, Glorious Commissar Mullen would make such known to all loyal People’s University Supportists! No reason exists for him to not broadcast loudly all matches!
Month of Grindember
Day the Twenty-fourth – Citizen! Am I required even to informance you of the import of day such as this?! Surely you have been planning for Egg Bowl all year! Only lowly Capitalists could become so hinderanced by false pride as to forget most vital day of year! Let them feel the quaking of the soil as Our cowbells invade their pathetic facility! Let them speak the name of Our Glorious Commissar only in tones of hushed awe and fear!