[Note: Sources have provided me with exclusive access to Houston Nutt’s application materials that have been sent to a wide range of Athletic Directors at programs currently hiring head coaches. If you’re interested in the coaching carousel, this is a great opportunity to look behind the veil of a complicated, ever-changing process.]

Letter of Application:

Mr. Director Guy,

You got a job opening. I hear about it. People talk. Lotta talking. Know who’s a good fit? Fella by the name of Houston Dale Nutt. I got experience. Got more experience than a lion driving a Kia.

Coaching football. Woooo! Takes heart. Takes ability. Ability ain’t as important as heart. I got heart. Coached Boise State. Yep. THAT Boise State. Coached the Arkansas Razorbacks. Coached the Ole Miss Rebels. I coached a lot. I can coach for you, too. Wouldn’t take a lot. Need some Take 5 candy bars. Need some fresh pasta. Not dried. Can’t use it. Got to be fresh made.

We got a deal? We got a deal. Got some materials attached to this letter. Couple letters of recommendation in sealed up envelopes. Haven’t looked at them. Real sure they’re good. I can send you a carticulum visa, if you want to take a look see. Can send a picture of me riding a horse on the beach, too. Can send 8,537 packets of Equal. Tastes good. Healthier than sugar. Better than Sweet-n-Low. Blue packet. Love it.

Howdy,

Houston Dale Nutt

Oxford, MS

***

Confidential Letters of Recommendation (3):

Dear Director of Athletical Endeavors:

It is with much gustiness that I sit upon chair of wooden construction to write letter such as this of recommendation-make for Coach of Football Sport, Houston Nutt. In all of interactions undertaken between myself and Football Coach Nutt, he has bolstered reputation and scale of People’s University with much vigor and pridefulness in Our State! Without efforts made by Football Coach Nutt, Commissar Mullen’s road to Championships would have not been paved so easily with golden metal of great value! Much difficulty would have befallen Our Glorious Commissar. Dedication shown by Football Coach Nutt made inevitable success by Commissar Mullen only that much easier to obtainment!

Day Football Coach Nutt left school of Northland was day of great sadness for Our State. If history of Football Coach Nutt’s involvement in affairs of People’s University is indication, great impact will be felt upon Football Squadron such as yours!

Agrarianly,

Minister Stricklin

People’s University

Starkingrad

***

Dear Athletic Director:

Can you believe they forced me out? After all I did for the school? I built the fucking IPF. And they kick me out. What do they want? Do they want fatass former players all over the workout room? My son couldn’t do his curls because of that fatass. So I kicked him out. Big fucking deal. I gave ten years to that place, and this is the thanks I get? Fuck Dan Jones. Fuck Robert Khayat.

I hired Nutt. I’d do it again, if those motherfuckers hadn’t booted me. He’s an experienced coach, and he wants to be at your school. Here’s a tip from an old pro: when there’s an experienced coach that wants to come to your school, you hire him. Keeps you from having to do the work of an actual coaching search. Shit, I don’t think I even googled Nutt before I hired him.

Sincerely,

Pete Boone

***

Dear Athletic Director:

Do not hire this man. Why any school would ever consider hiring him is a mystery to me. He is certifiably insane. He will wreck your program. I have personally seen him eating tinfoil. For fun. Stay away. Stay far, far away from this lunatic.

If you have other questions, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

Sincerely,

Randy Kennedy

God’s Country

Oxford, MS