How to choose your SEC school: a primer for disinterested fans

Let's assume we're all sports fans. Let's assume that you've watched some television over the past month. If you're anything like me, your regular bowl game, NFL playoff, and NBA (hahaha, gotcha!) viewing has been punctuated by breathless announcements from Verne Lundquist about tonight's national championship game (full disclosure: it might be Gary Danielson, Bob Costas, or anyone else. For the life of me I can't tell those guys apart.) Since it is an intra-SEC matchup, and television contracts have all but assured the Sabanization of your Autumn weekends, we at the Cup created a flowchart to help disinterested sports fans fine-tune their rooting interests. Much like that scene in Indiana Jones: The Last Crusade, your pathway to enlightenment follows after the jump.

So you want to be a SEC fan?
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Do you like football?

YES
Is winning often important to you?

YES
Are blue jean shorts and Crocs acceptable clothes to wear in public?

YES
Florida


NO
NO
NO
Kentucky

Vanderbilt. Have fun running for Senate, nerd.

Well, do you own more than one blue blazer?

YES
Unwarranted elitism--good thing, or the best thing?

YES
Hotty Toddy, you're an Ole Miss fan.
NO
NO
Texas A&M. Welcome to the party, next time bring some female cheerleaders.

NO
Would you like for your coach to be an insufferable ass?

YES
Does anyone in your immediate family own a tractor?

NO
That's okay, your journalism degree makes up for it, right?

YES
Missouri. Blaine Gabbert is the best NFL quarterback who is named after a Homecoming queen.
YES
NO
Arkansas. Admit it, you'd rather be in Dallas.

NO
Does the local media always cover subjects you dislike? Is the government run by a bunch of snooty jerks?

YES
Mississippi State: the only school in the country where finishing fifth in the division is considered a championship.

Congratulations on employment. If given a choice between Masters tickets or Super Bowl tickets, would you go to the Masters?

YES
Do you know someone who lives in Buckhead?
NO
YES
NO
You're an LSU fan, but you probably knew that already. Please let me know next time you're cooking.

YES
You meet someone named T-Mike. Without asking him, do you know his father's name?

NO
Do you have a problem killing unusual animals and eating them?

University of Georgia. I hope you own bow ties.

South Carolina. Do yourself a favor and Google "Hoppin' John" before you step outside.
NO
YES


No matter. Would you like to have a dubious number of championships?

NO
Tennessee. Remember your Holy Trinity: Peyton Manning, Johnny Majors, and Krispy Kreme.

Have fun complaining about the lawyers in Birmingham, Auburn fan.


YES


Alabama. Roll Tide, and remember, Bear Bryant is still dead.






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