Every week during the college football season, noted Ole Miss fan Steven Godfrey opens a dialogue with his namesake: "God, Allah, Yaweh, Etc.," creator of all being, to discuss the meaningful and superflous alike. At press time, a semblance of Rebel fans still believed in a higher power.
Godfrey: Lord: You have taken my dignity. What say you of this?
God, Allah, Yaweh, Etc.: (silence)
Godfrey: Lord: You have shamed my people.
G.A.Y., Etc.: (silence)
Godfrey: Eh... you know, actually I won’t lay that on you. We’ve done a strong job of that on our own.
G.A.Y., Etc.: (silence)
G.A.Y., Etc.: (silence)
Godfrey: FINE THEN. YOU HAVE TRULY FORSAKEN ME. I admit that while most of us would be lying to say we saw this coming, at least a good majority of us not subsisting on an IV of Abner’s sauce and a Spirit subscription have long since grown dull to atrocities of this ilk. But all that being said, it’s college football, and as long as the helmets have that logo on ‘em, a small part of our soul still screams "WHY GOD WHY?" And right now, I hate giving you the satisfaction.
G.A.Y., Etc.: Sorry. Were you talking? My iPhone isn’t getting shit for signal, because of all the intercessory prayer requests from what amounts to an angry mob of middle aged men in pleated Bill’s Khakis emanating from the greater Mid-South.
The last time I had this much action from your people was fall of ‘03, when I had to turn the ringer off because Muhammad and I were waist deep in tits and ass at the opening of a nightclub in Dubai. Your best kicker ever ended up missing some important field goals because I was trying to get some little hot dish to take her burka off, and I figured from that hash mark he didn’t need my help.
Anyway, that was during a game, and we’re prepared to handle that sort of bandwidth capacity on fall Saturdays. This is way worse. It’s been non-stop since halftime of the Vandy contest. What’s wrong with you people? Did I miss the memo on "No Tents in the Grove"?
You have no monopoly on not wanting to provide satisfaction. Obviously, Houston Nutt’s prone to shooting his wad early as well. But I digress.
Godfrey: That's your consolation? A little extra Old Testament-y this week, aren't we? Shit...
G.A.Y., Etc.: Believe me, I garner no celestial satisfaction by watching you suffer, Steven. Remember, I have blessed you with the gift of the written word. I have made you tall so that you have irrational confidence as you walk through airports and grocery stores. I have given you a pleasantly attractive woman for a wife, who allows you to tether yourself to various electronic gadgets, sharing your inane observations on college football AND the NFL all weekend. I gave that felonious dog killing ex-Falcon QB you hate so much a concussion and had him spitting blood from his mouth as he walked his ass back to what would prove to be the losing team’s locker room. Don’t act like you’re not living a pretty charmed life.
Godfrey: /aimlessly peruses Google Reader for an hour
/checks watch, opts against pants until 1pm, ignores abnormality of wearing a watch and not pants
I mean, yeah, it’s alright. I’m a little bored though.
G.A.Y., Etc.: It's not even your place to know "Why?". Just know this: The Rebel fans that didn’t see that ass whipping coming also probably thought Ricky Martin was straight and that the hobo with the golden voice would stay sober as soon as he had some disposable income. Aside from a couple of long runs against a middle of the road FCS program, the Rebel offense had looked horrible. Over the last 14 games, the team had played with the emotion and passion that a toothless East Baltimore hooker turns tricks.
Godfrey: Don’t tell me you’re a fan of "The Wire," too? How does that even work, adoring something so brutally nihilistic?
G.A.Y., Etc.: Huge fan. I like to think of myself as little more than one big Omar, the homosexual stick up boy in the sky. Remember, I may be the God that gave you puppies and ice cream, but I’m also the God that gave you heart worms and lactose intolerance. In case you haven’t noticed, I pretty much get my rocks off by watching people suffer. Hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, Ole Miss football; they’re all my work.
Godfrey: I get that we’re a beleaguered lot, and by most rational accounts a lost cause, but I don’t remember "locust" as an option on the mascot selection.
G.A.Y., Etc.: My point in referencing the catatonic oral stylings of the half-dead whore was to point out to you that once a Houston Nutt coached team stops playing with emotion, it’s over. Done. Finished. Think mushroom clouds, scorched trees, toppled buildings, dead animal carcasses tossed casually on the ground, not unlike your precious red Solo cups littering the ground in the Grove after another Larry Wamble themed winner of a tailgate party.
Godfrey: And Vanderbilt was merely a vessel? So this isn’t a divine endorsement of inherited wealth metering out justice? That’s good to know, because you creating the imbalance of a private school named after a rich white guy dominating in football so close to next year’s GOP convention might produce the world’s largest Republican circle jerk.
G.A.Y., Etc.: Fuck no. The World’s Largest Republican Circle Jerk is scheduled for December of 2012, when Aggie alum Rick Perry as President-elect gives a post-game congratulations speech to Texas A&M after their first SEC Championship. Players and coaches eschew the practice of walking around with a conference sign, but instead begin line dancing to a soundtrack of Robert Earl Keen’s best odes to enchiladas and Shiner Bock.
Godfrey: In other words, Christmas Eve in Katy, TX.
G.A.Y., Etc.: Something like that. Anyway my child, do not be fooled by Vanderbilt beating Ole Miss. As we’ve seen far too many times in recent years, this early in the season, Vanderbilt is like that dork in Dazed and Confused who thinks that if he just lands the first punch, he can actually win a fight. Only instead of jumping back up and whipping that little prep school dork’s ass like Clint does in the movie, the Rebels stayed on the ground, rolled over and allowed that said dork and his fellow crew team members to rape them, Book of Genesis style.
Godfrey: But, not to dwell on this, but why Vanderbilt? Couldn't this come at the hand of an Arkansas or Georgia? Maybe an even more lopsided than usual buggering from Alabama? I can't help but think a balancing of the scales would be in order for State. Even that seems somewhat more respectable.
G.A.Y., Etc.: And next you're going to start telling me about what a sound investment it would be to purchase a "gameday condo" (which is a lawyer's mid-life crisis code for "bungled extramarital affair cottage") in a town that's never produced a division title in a state with virtually no health care or education. Even divine omnitpotence has its limits on the real estate market, but I'm calling that a risky purchase, to say the least.
My point is, you're an Ole Miss fan. Evaluating prospects based on an overinflated sense of standing has mired your every thought from the womb on. Vanderbilt cause such a panic to you fan base Saturday despite having beaten you four of the last six meetings. You're a lot of self-verbs, young Rebel, but self-aware isn't one of them.
Godfrey: Then I stand humbled. Vanderbilt is a fine executioner. Now, the bigger question: What next?
G.A.Y., Etc.: That we'll address in the coming days.
Godfrey: Wow, a two-parter? How sweeping. I like the scope of this, it pays merit to my mourning, at least.
G.A.Y., Etc.: Sure, whatever. This is your delusion, after all. That and I've got to run. Got a bun in the oven.
Godfrey: THE SECOND COMING OF THE LAMB OF GOD? IS HE COMING TO OLE MISS? CAN HE EFFECTIVELY RECRUIT AND MANAGE THE SPREAD AND CEDE DEFENSIVE RESPONSIBILITIES TO AN AGRESSIVE BUT TRADITIONAL MINDED PROPONENT OF THE 4-3?
G.A.Y., Etc.: No, dumbass. I meant a literal bun in the oven. I created Heaven and Earth. That deserves fresh bread with every meal. Besides, I can bend the fragile human concept of time, so it's not as cumbersome. I just beat a ROM of "Final Fantasy 6," start to finish, during this conversation. And tell me child, what doesn't go with sourdough roll?
G.A.Y., Etc.: Wait... did you think I was delivering Malzahn? To Ole Miss?
Godfrey: (embarrassed silence)
G.A.Y., Etc.: How cute. I certainly am happiest when my creations are at play. Imaginative, delusional play that ignores open coaching positions at UCLA and Georgia.