Dear Darkly Bears:
Shocking this letter must be, emanating from People's University as it does. Belief is necessary to comprehend that two fort-evenings in past, I could not have imagined my personage to compose such a writing as this. Changes of time! Now, after engaging jump, discover vital nature of communique.
Opportunity accosted me Saturday to observation School of North Football Squadron battle Commodores of Capitalist Nashville. Stunned and outwildered I found myself to discover following information upon watching contest:
1. School of North is not darkest of Capitalist regimes in Conference of Southeastern Land. To my shock, I discover-made that school of Vanderbilt was foundationed by noted Capitalist! To provide an addition, school of Vanderbilt is not public institution, maintenanced by State. Contrastingly, school of Vanderbilt is prime example of despicable private education system. I know what you ask now, comrade. "But Minister, how does school of Vanderbilt procure cattle and chicken insemination machines if not from glorious State?" Only answer I may provide is that school of Vanderbilt does not opportunity students with education on such matters. We must weep and gnash teeth for children of Tennessee!
2. True nature of school of Vanderbilt stumbled me to core, but next piece of intelligence brought me further low. Observationing football contest, realization appearanced me that School of North Football Squadron and extension-by whole of School of North Athletical Program desires to cease being Capitalist entity. Players proved such as this to me by purposeful allowing passed footballs to touch floor before attempting to catch. Linemen of offense decision-made to allow Capitalist Vanderbilt into back of field zone repeatedly. Perhaps exhibition of most generosity, Zach Stoudt, quarterback of North Squadron, chose to completion passes to Vanderbilt Capitalists. Tear to my eye came upon realizationing that Quarterback Stoudt performanced very much like People's University's own Quarterbacks!
Showing such as this can indicative one occurrence: School of North Athletical Program seeks no financials from supportists, media, or others who would engorge Her coffers beyond proper State dictated levels. School of North desires to be free from taint of Capitalistic drives!
And so to point we arrive. For past days, I have interrogated myself. "Are we so different from enemy to North?" "Might they, too, drink joyous fruits of People's Revolution?" In full faith of potential for unity between our Squadrons, I urge you, School of North Supportists: Uprise yourselves! Join Football Squadron in already begun efforts to cease Capitalist nature! Cast off shackles of Sperry's and shirts of collar! Greet Commisar Mullen as conquering hero! Claim for your University the honors and prizes of being at one with the State!
By the People,
Minister of Athletics