Hey Santa, have a seat big guy. We need to talk.

So. It's been... uh, a while. Last time we talked I used a few to many adjectives and four letter words, I know. But damn dude, you really made be believe I was getting that Mongoose with pegs, shocks, spinner handle bars and those bad ass blue rims. I was just a little pissed when it turned out to be a Huffy Wal-Mart special, okay? So anyway, I really need a favor this year. We're talking big, BIG favor in importance, but only requiring a small contribution from you.

And to be honest, I've earned it. You know it. I know it. Not that it has anything to do with you specifically, but I sat through the 3 most ridiculously tragic sporting seasons in the history of mankind. We're talking millenia until it happens again. Football? No comment. Baseball was a flop of uncanny proportions considering it's the one sport in which we've traditionally NOT been awful and Basketball was one of the greatest cock teases ever perpetrated on the hard woods. Bottomline, I've been a friggin choir boy over here, considering the temptation and epic frustration over last years cosmic punchline of a sporting debacle.

Not to mention, I didn't cheat on my wife. I didn't steal that guys Porsche. I gave back the $32,435 accidental deposit into my checking account that BofA didn't even notice. I did NOT crap on my neighbors front porch after LSU stomped the dog water out of us. I gave the homeless guy under the I-10 overpass at LEAST 70 bucks this year. I volunteered at the soup kitchen this past summer and I have brushed my teeth at LEAST once a day for the past 356 days. I'd say that's a damn strong body of work, wouldn't you agree?

So, after spending the past 26 years making up for my hostile reaction to a really awesome Huffy by being as saintly as possible, as well as this past years unparallelled goodness, I'm thinking I need to go ahead and cash in those good boy points for something really, really nice.

Can a brother get some W's around here? Seriously. It shouldn't be that hard. It happens to less talented teams all the time. Valparaiso. State. USM. Tulane. Davidson. Clemson. Texas Tech. The list goes on and on. Teams get hot at the right time, balls bounce their way, unknown players step up and have monster games, coaches make seemingly clairvoyant decisions at the perfect times, blind refs miss obvious calls and VOILA!!!! Welcome to the Elite 8, a BCS bowl or the Great 8 at Omaha.

All I want are a couple extra W's this year. I'm not expecting Sweet 16 or a BCS bowl by ANY stretch of the imagination. All I'm asking for is a little, tiny bit of over achievement. Say, oh I don't know... Football wins against Arky and State next year? Or perhaps a little mini streak at the end of the SEC slate in Basketball including wins over UT, Ark, LSU and Bama to get into the dance for once? I'm not expecting anything after that, we're on our own. But a little nudge to get over that hump would be nice. And last but not least, come on. Baseball? Seriously, what would that require? A decent sneeze? A loud fart? Hell, a fake cough could get us into the CWS. We should be pretty decent already. We're young but talented. All we need is a couple arms to get hot late, a little help at the dish at the right time and we're there. And once again, after that, we're on our own. I just want to get there.

So you see? I'm not asking for too much. Really. Just a bounce here, some help on the rim there or a missed call or two. Come on big guy, you know you wanna. Wouldn't it be fun to watch the Spirvals crowd go completely insane with expectations and bravado after making the NCAA's and Omaha in the same season? Aren't you dying to hear the 8-4/9-3 in 2013 talk after going 5-7 in 2012?

I deserve this. You know I do. A pregnant wife, a 3 year old and an Ole Miss habit to boot. I really deserve this. So, what da ya say?

This post is a Red Cup Rebellion FanPost. Please don't sue us.

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