I feel compelled to share this essay with all of you since it is LSU Hate Week and all. It was written by a fraternity brother of mine a few years ago for an English class. At least I think it was for an English class. He may have just been bored one day... who knows.... I hope y'all enjoy
A Brief Commentary on:
The Similarities between Fans of Louisiana State University and Corndogs
Perhaps man’s most severe affliction, the curse of indentured servitude that plagues those who follow with a vested interest the football team of Louisiana State University is an abomination to society whose only agreeable solution is to be wiped clean from this earth by the hand of God. The suggestion that the corndog is comparable to the beleaguered sons of Baton Rouge is at once an unwarranted compliment to LSU fans, and a cutting insult to the integrity of the corndog. For the sake of argument, however, the case must be made that these two factions do indeed possess some degree of similarity.
Before we continue, to ensure mutual agreement and satisfaction some important terms need definition. A “fan” of Louisiana State University is any person or persons who at any time regarded the tiger as their favorite animal, considered “geaux” a clever and/or humorous spelling of the word “go”, wore the color purple at a time when it was not warranted or required by an extenuating circumstance, or related to (or even enjoyed) the Adam Sandler movie The Waterboy. For the purposes of this discussion, the definition of a corndog is limited to any one of the three hotdogs on a stick fried in a corn batter which are sold in clear plastic boxes in the Stockard/Martin Convenience Store.
Now, to understand the truly dire state of being of LSU minions, one must examine numerous cultural, economic, and social factors which influence the upbringing, development, lifestyle, and values of those who become fans. At this important juncture, it is of interest to note that the word fan is a derivative of the term fanatic which implies, according to a definition developed by Princeton University, a person motivated by irrational enthusiasm. Indeed, in the words of Winston Churchill, “a fanatic is someone who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.” Such is the stubborn minded obstinance of LSU fans, but I digress. The topic at hand is the importance and influence of various cultural, economic, and social factors which, in turn, impact directly not only several personal aspects of LSU fans, but the very measure of their mental capacity and stability.
Before we get to those important matters, however, I would be remiss if I did not, at least in passing, acknowledge the elephant in the room: LSU fans smell like corndogs. Perhaps it is this very phenomenon which, aside from prompting comparisons between LSU fans and corndogs, has even contributed of the football team’s success, at least at home. Be it too presumptuous to suggest that the overwhelming stench of corn dogs caused by the hoard of ignorant ingrates who flock Tiger Stadium on those given Saturdays in the fall cause the opposing players’ and coaches’ minds to wander from the task at hand to topics of a more delicious nature? For instance, could a linebacker miss a tackle because he was wondering whether if took a bite of someone’s finger if it would taste like a corndog? Would it be improbable for an opposing quarterback to be lulled into an unsuspecting state of delirium by the sumptuous and intoxicating smells of fresh corndogs?
Perhaps the greatest mystery of all, though, is the rather conspicuous lack of corndogs and corndog consumption by Tiger fans. Have they already consumed corndogs prior to their arrival at Tiger stadium? Is there a corndog factory in Baton Rouge and everyone works there? Is the water contaminated by corndogs?
To return to topic of culture as a catalyst for the degradation of society, the Baton Rouge community proves to be the essence of the term “the armpit of America” and it is easy to see why the corndog has become such a ready comparison to those negligible nincompoops. At one end of the spectrum is an institution like the University of Mississippi, for instance, whose tradition of class and elegance need not be disseminated in this forum. At Louisiana State University, the wearing of shoes at all (let alone loafers) is a hit or miss proposition with football fans. But still the question lingers like the stench of corndogs over Tiger Stadium, what has brought this sorry place to this sorry state of existence?
The obvious answer is the influence of the French. This point lacks the need for in-depth analysis.
Reader, if I might further trespass upon your indulgence, let us turn our attention to the grievous injustice that has been paid to the corndog by these, although grounded but nonetheless piercing, comparisons to LSU fans. From the standpoint of the corndog, these evaluations of similarity are inequitable and immoral. It is clear the corndog is far from a willing accomplice to LSU football, but rather an unsuspecting victim that has been targeted based on its universal appeal to the hungry.
Unfortunately, the identity of the creative confectioner who is responsible for the corndog’s derivation has been lost to the ages. Regardless, the human race undoubtedly owes a debt of gratitude to whomever it was that created this timeless foodstuff. Whether consumed as a meal or snack, garnished with ketchup, mustard, or left plain, the corndog is a satisfying source of strength and energy.
The corndog’s nexus to Louisiana State University football fans has left its reputation tarnished but intact.