Hecklin': Louisville

[Thanks again to Freak A Leak for this]

I know it is merely Wednesday (ED: Frontpag'd on Thursday), but I wanted to give you all plenty of time to study up, because this one is a biggie. Don't let this keep you from Austin Peay tonight (ED: I've gotta get to these things sooner), but, gentlemen, start yer learnin'.

Here is your outfield lineup according to the Louisville roster. They all play exclusively in the outfield, unless they are specifically mentioned as playing other positions on the team. Other people of interest for this team are: Andrew Clark (#24, 1B) and Coach Dan McDonnell are both former Rebels, so be sure to give them a warm welcome home. Also, RHP Matt Lea (#15) is a former Mississippi State bulldog, so if and when he plays remind him that he likes humping legs or drinking peepee (ED: I added that second part) or something.

Louisville's site gave plenty of good info to use. It's almost like they invite hecking.

1. Drew Haynes, #1: Born in Louisville to Paula and Richard Haynes, he is the youngest of three siblings.  He can do back flips, and wears #1 because he likes Ozzie Smith. Like any baseball player with half of a brain, he doesn't have a facebook or, if he does, he hides it well.

2. Stewart Ijames, #5: Born in Owensboro, KY, to George and Joan Ijames on 8/21/88.

 Says his facebook info, and I quote:

My name is Stewart Ijames i attend the University Of Louisville and i graduate in 2011. I am an athletic person and hate to loose, so i will try till it is over. My main goals in life are to become an Major League Baseball Player. I was drafted out of High School by the Brewers but turned it down to get my education. If there is anythig else you want to know feel free to ask.

 Do what you'd like with that.  (ED: Ijames, is that kinda like the iPod?! HA BURRRRRN BITCH)

3. Mike Morrison, # 14: Also plays 1B. Son of Randy and Jackie Morrison. Has one sister, Amy. Tread lightly when talking about Amy, because I couldn't find her age. Majoring in sport administration at U of L. His dad was a professional kickboxer. Mike played at Gulf Coast Community College in Panama City before he ended up at  UL. One of the "bullpen boozers"* likes screaming "go back to community college", so consider using this on Mike. Couldn't get much out of his facebook, but he likely doesn't use it much, as his picture is still of him in the bullpen at GCCC.

4. Jarred Clarkson, #17:  Jarred smiles like a dumbass.   He has a brother, Grant, who I assume is in that picture with him. His father Tim played college basketball at Cumberland College and his mother Lori played softball at Western Kentucky University.

5. Josh Richmond, #32:   Is a Junior education major. His favorite cereal (?) is frosted mini wheats.  He is the only person ever that still watches MTV.   The son of Heather and Jim Richmond. Jim played ball at EKU.

6. Nate Holland, #37: Born in Decatur, AL to Dean and Teri Holland. He has an older brother and a younger sister. He is a relatively boring guy until I checked his birthday. 3/14/89. That means the kid will be celebrating his 21st birthday on Sunday. 

7. Phil Wunderlich, #44: Also plays 3B. I dare you to try not to use the phrase "wunderlich my balls."  His parents are named Lary and Mary.  Hidden on Facebook.

8. Drew Fitzpatrick, #45: He wants to be a biochemist, but he's only a freshman, so give him time to change his mind. He also loves to landscape(?). Son of Thomas and Linda Fitzpatrick. Has one brother, Michael.

There's your list. These guys must have a team rule to have their facebook locked, because there wasn't much to work with. Good luck.

*This is the group of Louisville Baseball fans who are making the trip for the game. They are called the Louisville Bullpen Boozers. Obviously, they will be drinking heavily. Show ‘e m how it's done, boys.