I haven't the slightest clue as to out of which recesses of my poorly maintained mind the idea for this post sprung, but it did, and it's here. For those of you who are fans of the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, FX's ridiculous, disgusting, and lighthearted series on a group of vain, alcoholic friends who own and operate a failing Irish Pub in South Philly, you should enjoy this. For those of you who aren't fans of the shows, then just look at the order of the SEC football teams from one to twelve because, beyond that, none of this will be relevant or amusing to you.
So, after five weeks, here are the SEC football teams, arranged by "power" - whatever that may be - and which character from Always Sunny applies to their program, either currently or generally. And, like the show, the descriptions and justifications for my character assessments have their vulgar and uncouth moments. Get over it.
- Alabama: Dennis Reynolds- Attractive, smart, and powerful enough, your only near fatal flaws are your horribly misplaced values and insatiable ego. You're unwaveringly willing to put anyone in any sort of compromising position so long as it deflects blame off of yourself or makes you look good. Once, you literally starved yourself for several days because your sister said your face looked fat. That's how vain you are.
- Auburn: Mac- You're constantly trying to impress Dennis and, frankly, it's gotten a bit annoying after several seasons. You also spend too much time working on your glamor muscles in favor of your core, which became embarrassingly apparent after Dennis out-pushupped you during an impromptu fitness challenge held while you and the rest of the gang were appealing parking tickets in court.
- Arkansas: Frank Reynolds- You're weird, disgusting, and out of place. The gang only keeps you around because of your wealth, a wealth which isn't so readily apparent because you voluntarily live in and consume filth.
- South Carolina: The Waitress- While sexy (you know the actress that plays the waitress is from Mississippi and an Ole Miss fan, right?), sassy, and proud you may be, most people forget you're even there. Hell, we don't even know your name yet. And, while it doesn't at all fit the metaphor here, Charlie is unrequitedly in love with you, which is kinda interesting considering that the two are married in real life.
- Florida: Rickety Cricket- Remember when you were a respected member of the Clergy before Dennis and the rest of the gang took advantage of you (Mac and Dennis have, in fact, been teabagging you since high school. Dennis claims he has a "shoebox full" of evidence.) and turned you into a cocaine-addicted street peddler? See: last week.
- LSU: The Lawyer- As a cocky, smartassed, patient Machiavellian, you somehow always get the better of your adversaries, no matter how high or bizzarely the decks are stacked against you. This frustrates the hell out of everyone, and as a result, nobody likes you.
- Mississippi State: Gail the Snail - You won't go away. Ever. People have resorted to literally throwing salt on youwhen shit gets awkward with hopes of that causing you to slimily slither out the door. You also gave Frank a handjob under a table within plain sight of your mother, which is fucking gross.
- Ole Miss: Charlie - Lovable but tragically stupid, your schemes and designs generally fail because you're just too damned dumb for them to work, and not because you're toying with the forces of Karma, a la your peers.
- Vanderbilt: Bonnie Kelly - On the exterior, you're sweet and innocent, but something about you always attracts you to horribly abusive people and any sort of resulting sadism. This does not at all apply to your dearest Charlie, with whom you have an uncomfortably close relationship.
- Kentucky: Carmen - Just as Kentucky is a basketball school pretending to be a football school, Carmen is a dude pretending to be a chick. You're a sexy chick (with male genitals, up until quite recently) however, which is why Mac dated you for a while.
- Tennessee: The McPoyles- You're a set of incestuous brothers who hang out in their soiled bathrobes all day. You are literally the most vile characters I feel anyone has ever dreamt up for television. You occasionally get the better of the gang, having even held them hostage in their own bar once, but your eczema, unibrows, unkempt appearances, and clear mental disorders limit the extent of your schemes.
- Georgia: DeAndra Reynolds - You're attractive, kinda, and used to be something worthwhile and somewhat meaningful, but now you just let everyone take advantage of you which really isn't very fun to watch anymore.
Alright Always Sunny fans, where did I go wrong?