Jevan Snead and Houston Nutt, a Conversation

by The Ghost of Jay Cutler on Jan 7, 2010 12:24 PM EST

SCENE: HOUSTON NUTT'S home office, some 24 hours after the conclusion of the Cotton Bowl. The room is brightly lit, overly so, and the faint scent of Lemon Pledge and Phillip's Grocery corn nuggets is wafted about the room by a squeaky, off-kilter ceiling fan. HOUSTON NUTT is sitting at his desk, clutching a Dan Brown novel in his right hand. There is a low, unenthusiastic knock at the door.

HOUSTON NUTT: Gig?!

Peering through a now slightly opened office door is JEVAN SNEAD, clad in a red polo shirt, jeans, and a flat-brimmed Texas Rangers cap.

JEVAN SNEAD: Uh, so, that means I come now, or..

HN: Yeah yeah, come in Jevan.

JS walks in and throws himself into a chair. Quickly slouching, he has an air of impatient annoyance about him.

HN: So what's up Jevvie?

JS: Um, Coach Nutt, you called me here.

HN: Oh, right, yes, blotankus. Let's see... AH! Yes! Ya put any thought into the NFL?

JS: Well coach, I think I'm gonna do it. I think I'm gonna give the combine a shot and see how well I do. I'm thinkin' maybe early-third, late-sec--

HN: Nah, nah, spoodankus, that ain't so much gonna happen.

JS: What do you mean coach? This isn't fair. Dad and I talked it over and we reall--

HN: Ya ain't gonna wanna do that, Jev. C'mon now (wiggles fingers, stares at ceiling, grunts).

JS: Well you know that it's always been my dream to play in the NFL and I think a pro salary would be ballin.

HN: Fuck a dolla and a dream. We're gonna need you and you ain't goin' anywhere.

JS: (confidently) Oh yeah? Why not!?

HN: Have you seen yourself play this season? You're Jay Cutler with less mobility, Jamarcus Russell with a weaker arm and (significantly) smaller skull, Jake Delhomme with less cajun. C'mon Jevan, let's work on that.

JS: Coach, you don't so much work on that whatsoever. I mean, in prac--

HN: Let's not get caught up in semantics here. Hold on let me call up Kentofankupoo baby WHOO holdon to it baby!

JS: ....

HN: Ok ummm, how do you, um, do you press it here or?

JS: It's a damn phone, coach. Here let me--

SNEAD grabs the cordless phone off of NUTT's desk, dials KENT AUSTIN's telephone number, turns the speakerphone on, and places the receiver into the phone dock. The telephone's ring fills the room.

KENT AUSTIN: Hyello?

HN: Can I get-ah, can I get-ah, can I get an AUSTIN baby whoo let's go bowl practice!

KA: (Long, audible sigh) Hello, Houston.

HN: Hey coach, lemme tell you about ol' Jev here tryin' to go to the NFL.

JS: Hey coach!

KA: Don't, ugh, don't you "hey coach" me. And Houston, leave me out of this. (under breath) I mean, it's not like you weren't doing that anyway.

HN: Ha-what now there Kent?!

KA: Nothing goodbye tootle-oo (receiver clicks).

A brief silence stales the office. HOUSTON NUTT's head and eyes dart about wildly, as if the words he's looking for are flying in circles around his head. His mouth slowly comes open.

HN: Well lookie here, why wouldn't you wanna stay here with us Ole Miss family can't let go.

JS: Well, Shay and Dex are going to the NFL and it just worries me about next year. Also, there's this:

HT: FotP

HN: Hah! Yeah diggity I remember that shit! Your head bounced like a fake pair of tits when you hit that turf baby that's the SEC TOUGH LEAGUE STRAP YOUR HELMET ON YESSIR!

JS: Yeah, um, and well if I go to the NFL this year, I'll probably just get picked up by Seahawks or something. You know, I'll back up Hasselback or whoever for a few years, suck dick for a season, then get traded away for an aging free agent before "retiring" back to Texas with the few hundred-thousand I've got left. I can, I dunno, coach high school football and sell insurance in Stephenville or some damn place.

HN: That's what you're thinking?

JS: Maybe...

FOR THE RECORD, we haven't a clue what Jevan is actually going to do. We'll post more unfunny shit with maybe some analysis later.

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Comments

I saw on the ESPN-SEC blog..

Snead’s leaning towards going pro and has told Nutt in their two meetings he plans to make the jump. What a complete douchebag. Snead played like sh!t this year and forced us to stand behind him because he was a star/his dad has an awesome mustache.

Now when he sees that we may not be a top ten team and winning the SEC West, he’s going to jet. He loved being here when we had the “One Heartbeat” season, he was all about being in the top ten when we were “Unsatisfied”, but now.. now he’d rather suck dick on a practice team than come back and try to help us in the 2010 season

I hope Snead goes pro. I hope when he’s in the combine showing off for scouts that he breaks his leg. Don’t get me wrong, I think he’s played like garbage and his attitude about the season has been on the same level, but he still has the experience we need in a team that’s not dead in the water by no means.

Just remember, Snead.. When you’re in the NFL, writing articles in the Sporting News telling the fans to lay off you because you pinky promise you didn’t get into a bar fight or get dumped by your girlfriend.. That sh!t won’t fly.

by Land Shark on Jan 7, 2010 1:56 PM EST reply actions

Harsh.

Hypothetical question, Landshark:

As an insurance salesman, (a respectable career, for sure) if you knew that you would make the starting salary of $285,000, without ever having to sell a single share of insurance, would you go want to wait a year? Now think that you would have weekends off to watch football games on the sidelines, and during the week, you would just show your coworkers how to counter rival insurance company’s tactics.

I don’t want him here, because I have faith in the future, and I wish the best for him. If $285,000 is good enough for him, then it’s good enough for me.

by David. on Jan 7, 2010 2:25 PM EST up reply actions

minus the "go"

by David. on Jan 7, 2010 2:26 PM EST up reply actions

I see where you’re getting at from that perspective, but I’m a loyal person. I’ve worked at the same small insurance agency for a while now when I could have went to a bigger one. I wanted to take what I have and make it better, and I’ve increased sales and gotten smarter. So when that big job comes open I’ll be more than ready..

And it’s now like I’m trying to be anti-Ole Miss for hoping he fails. I sat in the South Endzone through the Eli years, the Flatt/Lane/Spurlock/Shaeffer years, and now the Snead years. I leave work on Fridays and drive straight to Oxford on game weekends. And will until I can no longer make the three hour drive to Oxford.

It just like he’s quit on us. Sure he sucks and I look forward to the Stanley/Cotton Era as much as anyone, but it seems like Snead saw Dexter, Shay, and two offensive lineman leave and decided to skip town like he was some high and mighty quarterback. Graham Harrell didn’t get drafted and he had that Texas Tech run behind him. Jason White won the Heisman and never played an NFL down. Snead should come back and try to work on his suckitude, but instead is chasing after a small hope that he can make a practice team or something.

Good riddance to him. Snead may have no faith in Summers, Breaux, Patterson, Grandy, and our backs, but I do. No team can honest to God be as bad as the first two after Eli left.

by Land Shark on Jan 7, 2010 4:00 PM EST up reply actions