Excuse me, Steve, But What Exactly Do You Mean?

In his old age Steve Spurrier has mellowed out a bit.  I understand.  As you mature, you know when to pick your battles, and when to just hang out with your membership to Augusta National and be content.  After all, things could be worse.

 

I'll give you an example, my grandad has always been a pretty serious guy.  In fact, in his younger years some might have mistook him for being down-right surly.  But, then, my uncle brought home this peach of a lady from over in Alabama somewhere.  A real Tider, if you know what I mean.  After a Christmas or two with her, Grandad was, well, beat down.  So, when my uncle finally sent her packing, the whole family was pleased to note that Grandad's whole personality had improved.  He was a jollier fellow.  And it was all because he recognized that things could be worse.

 

I don't know if Spurrier wakes up in the morning in cool puddle of NFL regret, but I do know that the Ol' Ball Coach's ups and downs have evened his temper and now moderate his commentary.  For this reason, it's necessary to sift through Spurrier's new-found coach speak to figure out ... what's Steve really thinking?

 

We scoured Spurrier's weekly press conference to find out:

 

"We're looking forward to another national TV Thursday night big time ball game. Ole Miss is number four or five in the country. They really haven't started the meat of their schedule yet. Hopefully we'll be considered one of their tougher opponents as we go through."

TRANSLATION: Have y'all ever heard of Sergio Garcia?  Sergio Garcia?  Well, he plays golf, like me.  One time, a couple of years ago, everybody was talkin' about how Sergio was going to start winning majors, and beating Tiger, and not being a skid mark on the historical underwear.  Everybody liked him because he was good looking - and I can say that because my Heisman trophy validates my heterosexuality.  Ole Miss is just a big ol' bunch of good lookin'.  Nobody's even thought about how they are going to act when the pressure gets on.  Ole Miss has a hype-performance ratio that would make Sarah Palin ask, "Seriously, do you guys think you were prepared for all this?"  I mean, who have they beat?  The cast of The Waterboy and Tommy West, who proves what my uncle told me after he bet on the Jets in '69 - "It's better to be crazy than to be damn moron."  But, you know what, it's better to be my crafty ass than to be a Grade A 'Nutt' job. See what I did there?

"Our defense is OK. Our offense is OK. We're trying to get better in special teams as well. We're trying to get better in every area. We haven't dominated in any particular phase."

TRANSLATION:  Our defense worries the ... well, I suddenly find myself comparing our defense to Arkansas', and, obviously, that scares me more than the NFC East.  Let's be honest, I've fired the up-and-coming defensive coordinator and the established defensive mind, now I've got a defense that's letting a flu-stricken Joe Cox look like, well, look a helluva lot more like a Spurrier quarterback than anything I've put on the field in this football-forsaken state.

[On the Wild Rebel formation] "We pretty much sort of know it."

TRANSLATION:  The wild what?  You mean they don't use a quarterback?  Son-of-a-Baghdad-fireworks-show, that Houston Nutt is crazy, isn't he?  I've never even heard of this stuff.  ELLIS!  ELLIS!  What the heck is this wild crap? Whatever, have you guys ever heard of me?  I could figure this stuff out.  I'm like football Rain Man.  

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